getting married 29th february, budgets and inlaws?

Question

we're getting married next year, my mother is on a pension and my father passed 10 years ago, but she still wants to give us a grand towards the big day, the thing is how do we ask if his parents want to contribute something towards it. we are quite happy to pay for it ourselves although it will be tight, and i know that if it was my partners sister getting married they'd be too happy to throw money her way. whats the best way to ask his parents, they have split up but they are not skint. should i just let it lie and go ahead budgeting without them, i feel they always push my partner out like he's the black sheep of the family

Answer 1

As per good old tradition...it normally is the parents of the bride that foot the bigger portion of the bill (totally unfair, I know...)So it would be "normal" or expected if they were to foot more out towards his sister when she gets married.
Rather than coming right out and ASKING for actual CASH you can do 1 of 2 things:
1-Next time you're talking to them about your plans, and if there was an area/issue/item that you were unsure about due to cost, just say something like, "Well, thanks to the money that my mom gave us to put towards the wedding, we'll be able to do '...this...' now." and see if maybe they take the hint.
2-Again, as per traditional etiquette, usually the parents of the groom help by getting all of the alcohol for the reception...so just ask them if they would be willing or able to help out with a certain aspect of the reception. It's better than just asking for cold hard cash, and it makes them feel more involved and as though they've contributed something important.

I'm in the same situation in a way. His dad had just recently passed so his mom is on a tight budget as well. So rather than put her in a position where she feels that she has to offer upmore than she can really afford...we're not having a caterer, we're doing a "family favorites" picnic style buffet and I asked if she would be willing to supply her prize winning potato salad. She was more willing and able to do that then what I think she would've been with money.

Answer 2

If your fiance's parents offer, then there is no harm in accepting. If they don't, then I agree with the previous post - it is traditional for them to pay for the pre-wedding dinner the night before.
The reason that the bride's parents pay for the wedding is that it takes the place of a dowry - the money they give their daughter to start a new life with the groom. It was - and still is, to a large extent, expected that the husband will both support the wife during pregnancy and bringing up their children, and it is also expected that while the husband may receive an inheritance, the wife is less likely to. Thus the money spent on the wedding by the bride's parents represents the end of their financial committment to their daughter. Unfair? Perhaps. But some things in life are unfair. Personally, as a man, I would be more than happy to be able to have children, but I can't. Is that unfair too?

Answer 3

I honestly do not think you should ask your future in-laws for a contribution towards the wedding if they haven't offered. Should your partner wish to ask the question that is a different story but my advice would be to steer clear of such a confrontation. I understand how you feel. My husband and I were in the fortunate position to pay for the wedding receptions of my daughters but their future in-laws were also in the same position and didn't offer. If I was on a pension etc I would probably be like your mum and try to give my utmost if a member of my family were getting married. However, it's a fact of life everyone thinks differently. When the time came my families in-laws were very generous with wedding gifts, admittedly my girls may have made better use of the gift towards their wedding band, cars etc but that must have been the way they thought best and who could knock it? Another example is when I was being married, albeit some time ago my parents were not well off but said they would pay the reception and my father took a part time job to do this. I remember not having very nice thoughts about my future father-in-law as he was well off but I am glad now I said nothing. He ended up buying us our lounge suite and other items for the house. He was a widower and it was years later when my husbands 2 sister's were getting married that I realised he thought it his duty and quite willing to pay for their weddings. In this case if anything my husband was the slight favourite, not the black sheep. Afraid it's all down to what the individual(s) think.

Answer 4

Do what you can on your budget. There are lots of simple weddings where the couple involved has a long happy marriage. There are also many people who plan big weddings, not big marriages, and get divorced quickly.
The other answerers are right--there are traditional expenses for each "side" of the family. You need to let your in-laws do what they can for that, and leave it alone. If you get on their case about money and how unfair they're being, you will just be setting yourself up for problems in the future. They will resent your resentment. If you really have the money, what is the big deal about how much his family puts in? When you pay for your own ceremony and reception, you get to decide what happens and what doesn't.
When there are fewer details to worry about, the list of what can go wrong gets considerably smaller.

Answer 5

I would be straight up with them. Let them know that you are budgeting everything but that you would like to know if they had planned on helping with anything that way you can go ahead and write down what you do and dont have to worry about.

My Fiance IS the blacksheep of the family but bottom line is thats not the point. Whether or not he was not the best doesnt take away the fact that hes still getting married and he still has parents so the question really is...are you or are you not going to support me on this? Of course this isnt what he asked them but this is how we thought and felt and its the attitude that gave him the balls and heart to ask. Just be nice, casual, and honest about it. The plans do have to be made and you arent going to know whos doing what or whos paying for what without asking.

Or you can go the other route and just go ahead and do all your planning and budgeting without them and if they offer to help than good and if not then oh well...life goes on.

Answer 6

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Answer 7

When my husband and I got married, my father (retired) gave us $1000, and also got us a beautiful venue (for free!) We were also tight paying for our wedding. When things were discussed, we never asked his parents for money, but when the DJ was discussed, we mentioned we didn't know what we were going to do about that, because they were so expensive. We couldn't really find one in our budget. Since the DJ was important to them (they are big music people) they offered to contribute toward that. Personally, I think that was fair. If something comes up that is important to them, then you can state what your plans are, and if your choice is budget based, let them know why you are making that choice. Then they will know they have the option to either accept what you are willing to do, or they can pay the extra. Otherwise, I think it's pretty old fashioned to expect anyone besides the bride and groom to pay for the wedding. I wouldn't have asked anyone for help. It was always offered. We even paid for our own rehearsal dinner. Are they planning to pay for that? If so, that's more than enough.

Answer 8

I personally don't think you should ever "ask" or assume someone is going to give you money. It's rude and disappointing.... if his family wants to give you money- then they will do so. I won't bother putting them on the spot. Budget without them so if they do give you money- it will be a nice surprise but I think if you ask- your going to be opening a while new problem. And some family's are different with boys vs girls..... they may think it's your mother problem to pay for the wedding. I think everyone should try to pay for their own wedding!!

Answer 9

I'd say ask. After all it's tradition for brides parents to pay. If they decline then it's their lose.
Have a great day and married life together. Enjoy every minute of your day as it passes so quickly.

Answer 10

i would just let it be and pay for it yourselves, it's a wedding and most likely some of the guests will be giving money as a gift, so in all actuality, you will have help, just have to budget what you do have and hope for the best. and as far as for his parents throwing money at his sister... well that is the tradition, brides parents pay.... unfortunately not all of us have that luxury.... anyhow just budget your money and i am sure you will do great and it will be a beautiful wedding, congratulations and good luck.