Do I have a bad mother, or do I just blame her?

Question

My father died in 1996. My mother moved 150 miles away and I lived alone as a 16 yr old senior in high school so I could graduate with the friends I'd gone to school with all of my life. My mother drowned in her own sorrows, drinking at bars and coming home with different men all the time. I fell into a downward spiral over the years - drinking, drug use, etc. After graduation, I ended up under her roof, but was eventually kicked out because I couldn't support her. I've since joined the Air Force (been in for 7 years) and have a beautiful family of my own. My mother has never been to any of my daughter's birthday parties. I'm stationed in Germany, and she claims her fear of flying keeps her from coming to visit. There is much much more to the story, but I don't have the room to write about every little thing she's done to disappoint me over the years. I can honestly say that I don't like her, but is it wrong to hate her? Am I allowed to never speak to her again? Please help...

Just to clarify more... My mother was awesome before my father died. Since his death, she's made horrible remarks to me like "you and I are more like roommates than we are mother/daughter." And "if your father hadn't died, we would have divorced." And "why do you hold HIM on the golden pedestal, he cheated on me!" (which I know for a fact he did not do! I have tried to talk to my mother, but she's very selfish in that she refuses to see her faults, and she's quick to point out mine. I do still call her, but she never really pays attention on the phone, and she's always the first to find a reason to hang up. I already know the answer to my question... I just needed the rest of the world to feel my pain somehow. :(

Answer 1

hey there. i am going thru similar stuff with my family. we're probably the same age, i am in the army, and without going into too much detail here's what i've come up with so far. i know that i resent my parents very much and want to hate them for the horrible things they did/do. its very hard to let a whole lifetime of hurts go, i know this, and am still struggling deciding if i should let them be a part of my life. a part of me does hate them very much, but there is still a deeper part of me that i can't ignore that needs them and still loves them somehow. knowing this is hard because i know its up to me do chose love or hate and hate is so much easier. I also realize that I will never be whole inside without them because i'll always be hating them or holding resentment in my heart. the bottom line is, even as adults, we still need our parents in some way. even if we never see them or talk to them often (which can sometimes work out better), its knowing that they are always there and they would support/love us if we ever needed them again, although we won't need them in the ways we once did as kids or teenagers, they're still a valid part of our lives. also, you have a daughter, something i have yet to do, but i've given much thought to. they are entitled to have a relationship with their grandparents just as any one else would. grandparents are an integral part of a childs life. i guess this is where it gets complicated because where does that leave you? right? have you already tried talking to your mom about the past? if things are unreconcilable, can you at least coexist to some extent so that your daughter can have a grandma in her life who loves her just as much? these are my thoughts. take them as you will and good job with making your life better. you have a lot to be proud of.

Answer 2

Oh dear lord the pain family members can inflict upon each other!
Nothing can be more feral than a bad relationship between mother and daughter. Surely your scars run deep since this is your MOTHER you have these difficulties with.

Congratulations for pulling your life together against the odds. It sounds as if you have really done well and you must be pleased with your life as it is now. It sounds as if you were brought up well and strong and these roots inside you are what gave you the insight and the strength to life yourself above your problems when you felt the time has come. Surely some of that strength is the result of your mother's care and love when you were small. I am sure she gave you many gifts you are not even aware of because they are so ingrained into your very being.

Surely your mother was a good mother after your father was taken? Do you have good memories before the bad times began? Have you ever considered the source of her pain also? What was she hiding from? Losing a husband can be a traumatizing thing for a woman. Perhaps she was having a breakdown and has never truly recovered. It is a shame that you were not there to support each other in your mutual loss.

Has your mother pulled her life together yet?

It is ok to not like a person, including a parent, but hatred will only eat you up inside and that is just not a good idea. I went through a time when I hated my father for many deep reasons so I can relate in a small way. It took some maturing but finally I realized, suddenly, that alcoholism or not, my father had been a good father in most ways until I was older. It was funny, the insight just hit me right out of the blue. I was upset about my hatred and anger towards him and how this was effecting my relationships with men.

It was not until one day I realized, yes he was my father and I had personal issues with him, but, first and foremost...he was just another soul in this huge universe trying to get it right... again. The moment the insight hit home, I found both the will and the compassion to forgive him for his human frailties including the ones he took out on me. It was liberating to say the least. The secret was to separate myself from the accumulated emotions I had towards him and just not take it personally any longer. It worked. We were never close again, but at least I no longer carried negativity within me when he passed away.

We do not know the future. You might want to speak to your mother again some day. There is no predicting these things no matter how certain you are at the moment you want no contact with her. Just in case things might work out, do you have the right to deprive your children of a grandmother? If she called for your help and you refused, could you live with yourself? Don't burn your bridges, just keep some distance for now.

I am serious, you never know what turns life will take and you just might find, as unlikely as it sounds, common ground with her at some unpredictable time in the future.

So, it is not wrong to dislike someone, but hatred is just a no no. It always bites you in the behind when you least expect it.

I pray you find peace with this situation.

By the way, that suggestion of using a web cam that Cathy gives you is a wonderful suggestion. This way you could spend time with your Mom, your kids could share her also, yet still have a safe distance between you until things, hopefully improve. Yes geography and distance suck, but a web cam will bring you all together when you want to be so!

Answer 3

First lets not focus on you liking her or disliking her.

When your father died and you were able to live on your own so you could graduate with your friends. Was this your idea or your mothers. How did you support yourself while you were still under age and in high school.? Did your mother send you money or did you live with a friend, which would mean you did not live on your own, If your mother send you money to live on then you did not support yourself by yourself and that is at least something your mother did for you while you were growing up.

You speak of your mother drowning her own sorrows in unhealthy things. Also of moving away after your father died. No on can EVER understand what it is like to lose a husband.Unless is has happen to them. Some would say it is like loosing a part of oneself or even like loosing a limb. Maybe the pain your mother felt from your father having passed was only lessened with drinking or men. Not good but at the time it may have been the only things that kept your mother alive herself.

As for you 'felling into a downward spiral over the years' Sad and hard to understand you and you alone are the only one that can be blamed for that. When you started to drink and do drugs you had have known these things were not good, mostly because you would have seen what they did to your mother.

We as adults have to get to a point in our lives where we STOP blaming our parents for the things that have gone wrong in our adult lives.

If you say you started drinking when you were underage then when you became an adult you would have know by then things should be different.

I do not think you should hate your mother but more come to understand her and except who she has become or who she was as you were growing up.

You do NOT have to like her, no where is it written that say we have to life our parents. We have to respect them, even when they do not respect us or themselves. We would want the from our children.

YOu also said your mother does not want to fly to see you. Can you not take your family to her.? Or buy a web cam so she can see you all and maybe want to come to you guys. ?

Answer 4

You are a grown up and are allowed to speak or not speak to whom ever you choose.
It sounds like your mother is a sick women that has a lot of problems. She was not a good mother to you.
But, you made all of the choices that you did by yourself. You could have looked at your mother and said "I don't want to be like her" and chosen to take a different path much earlier.
Although you have the right to be angry with your mother, you cannot blame all of you troubles on her.
She abandoned you in a terrible time of your life (physically and emotionally) and for that you should be hurt and at that age you were not mature enough to handle the emotions that you were having alone. Your feelings regarding that are justified.
But as I said before, YOU fell into a downward spiral.... part of letting go is taking responsibility for you actions.
You have straightened out your life and have a beautiful family, you should be proud of yourself! Don't spoil all of that by dwelling on your painful past... get some counseling if you can't get past it.
As far as your mother goes... ask yourself this. If you never speak to her again and then someday get a call that she has died, could you live with the fact that you had no relationship with her? Sometimes it is just better to let things go and start fresh.

Answer 5

You know you could heal this relationship by forgiving her for everything. She is a human being too, and she must have suffered even though she slept around and drank, when your father died. You admitted you made mistakes also. Cannot you not find it in your heart to put yourself in her shoes so you can maybe better understand her? I am not saying that what she did was right, and that she was a perfect mom and didn't hurt you. None of us are perfect, and we each and everyone of us hurt our loved ones at some point.. I think you would find peace if you could do this and embrace her as your mother. You may never be close or ever get along, but at least you can make peace with yourself.

Answer 6

Let me say first, you have only one mother. Ok with that said, after your father passed away, your mother could not handle it...and then her grief turned into depression, severe depression, and she never got help,maybe because she was too embarrsed...I am thinking of a generataion gap here...because, someone from her generation, might think it taboo to go see a shrink...So instead turned to alcohol and drugs to numb the pain...So she lives with the past negative memories of him also to help deal with his death, trying to convince herself that she is better off without him....

I am not defending her, just trying to give you a different point of view....You can hate, what she has done, what she is doing, and what she has not done for you, but you really cannot hate her....Seeing now that the drugs and alcohol is talking.....Maybe you should talk to someone to help you through this and maybe one day be able to talk to you mom again....I would not shut her out of your life.....

I am glad that you have done well with your life and have a family of your own. But think what I have said over..and I hope that you can find it in your heart to fogive your mother.

Answer 7

I'm very happy that your life turned out so well, given the tragedy in your formative years. If you can think back to the times before your father passed away..What kind of relationship did you have with your mom then?..Was she nurturing and supportive? Were you happy most of the time? Did your parents have a good marriage? Were they good role models prior to your father's untimely death? If the answer to these questions is yes..I would say you need to try and get your mom back to that point...In a way, you abandoned each other when you needed each other the most...but grief can often cloud good judgement. Since you seem to have your life together now, it falls on you to be the strong one. You know what is best for your children. You know the kind of people you want in their lives, if your mother can reach your standards then I would definitely not shut her out of your lives. I'm sure it won't be easy. Your past leaves scars, and what is done can not be undone, but it can be dealt with. With love and patience. Remember you only have one mom, for better or worse. You really should try to get her back, if that person ever existed. Good luck to you, Life lessons have turned you in to the good mother you deserved for yourself, and its not too late to have.

Answer 8

Mostly, I feel pity for her. You sound like you're married. How would you feel if your husband died and left you alone with your daughter? She couldn't cope and she crawled into a bottle. I hope that she's working on straightening out her own life.

Based on what you've said here, I don't think that you've got a real right to hate her for the rest of her life. Yes, yes, she wasn't there for you, but that was the result of her (continued) inability to deal with her own life, much less take care of you. It certainly doesn't sound like she actually had any malice towards you.

Please keep an open mind. Don't let her hurt you, but don't be too harsh on her either. Remember, you're setting an example for your daughter and your generosity of spirit is what she'll take away from this.

Answer 9

You owe her nothing. She has not been a mother to you. You must be a very strong person to have been able to move on and make a happy family of your own, most children born to such a mother can never do this. Cut her from your life and never look back. Those that say she gave you life, do not understand women like this. She most likely was the type that got pregnant and was too poor or dumb to know how to abort it. She just let you be born, because that was the easiest thing to do. You do not need her, she would only be a moocher.

Answer 10

Don't let the hurts hurt you! She is still your mom. When the world came falling down on her and during those bad times, she was alone too and no one "stable" to turn to. She is lost.

Now that you have a family of your own.....I'm sure you are (re)building the kind of family that you wanted. You can not fix the past anymore. What matters is that you have a family now which is good, don't you think?