my husband and i met in college. before we graduated we had a daughter. because my mother lived 3,000 miles from the university we attended, we agreed to allow our newborn baby to live with his mother (because she volunteered) and she lived only about 3.5 hours away. gosh, i missed my baby so much and because i could only afford to come and be with my baby every other weekend it was very stressful for me. my mother-in-law would never call me to let me know how my baby was doing neither would she call to discuss anything about my baby's doctor visits or to simply hear her voice. she never wanted me to give my opinion on anything that i thought would be best for my child. whenever i was at her house for the weekend, i would want to hold my baby and bond with her, and my mother-in-law would shout in a very nasty tone put her down! whenever we would try and talk to her about how she was treating me she would get very angry. am i wrong for not wanting my children around her?
2007-01-30 18:16:41 · 25 answers · asked by shun t 5 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
Then go pick up your baby....
2007-01-30 18:41:26 · answer #1 · answered by ABBYsMom 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
First off - You should have spent all those early years with your child., not someone else - Your child will bond with that person not you even though you are the parent. You lost out I am sorry to say. I had my wife stay at home with my daughter becouse I wanted her to know the parent structure and my girl is almost 4 and understands daddy goes to work and mommy stays home to take care of that business. I never understood how being a "Mother" was not a job and all women need a career outside of the house! And ohh your going to school - Should of thought about that before having a kid. Watch your own children don't give them to someone else to watch! If you can't afford the same living conditions, you should think before spewing forth children you can't afford or take care of!
I amsorry - It is a difficult thing to say but - You should have thought first.
2007-01-31 02:36:34 · answer #2 · answered by The Dude 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't want to be judgemental on you, I'm sure you have your reasons for not taking care of your own baby, it's just that I have my own experiences with this kind of problem. When you have decided to have children you should be ready to take care of them, even if you can't take care of them during the day because you have school or because you have to work, try to pick your baby up every night from your MIL's place so she can spend the night with you and know that her home is with her mommy & daddy. I'm not saying that your MIL is right, in fact she sounds evil. But if you say it's too far or you're too tired to do that every night, then you have only yourself to blame when your MIL feels she has the right how to raise your child or when your child loves her more than you or worst when your child develops her personality based on what your MIL teaches her and blames you for not being there for her when she was a child. I hope you can work things out.
2007-01-31 10:00:42 · answer #3 · answered by trax2345 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, it sounds like you need to re-establish the boundaries in this relationship!!! It sounds like your mother in law took on the role of mother and liked it quite a bit.
Now you are legally the mom right?
Get your baby and keep your baby with you and re-establish your role as the child's mother, and respect your mother n law for her wonderful care and honorable duty of watching your child!!!!
OMgosh, I have never heard of this!
But the sooner you let your child know that you are mommy, and Grandma is Grandma, the sooner everyone will know how to act!!
Your inlaws did you a great service by providing you with free childcare and taking on the caregiving role.
*to keep a good relationship be gracious and and thankful, but DO re-establish that you will be taking over all the caregiving as in the Mother role from here on out.
Do remember, it was your husband's mom who is your child's grandmother who agreed to take on this task. It's best to have your husband deal with his parents when it comes to the issues of parenting and NOT put you in the middle.
Respect your child's generous grandmother for taking on the role of caregiver while you were away persuing higher education.
Remember we all make choices, never realizes what the ultimate outcome may be.
Now is the time to be a Mom to your Child.....Please realize that your Mother in Law is ALWAYS GOING to be an important role model in your child's life!!! She was her primary caregiver for that time when you were away.
So have some compassion and put the needs of YOUR child first.
AND please do not punish your child for loving her Grandmother.
That bond is precious, as is your bond.
I feel your resentment comes from the fact that you just weren't able to be there and missed out on many 'firsts' with your baby.
I hope Gramma took lots of video and photos, and that the 2 of you can be great friends, and not warriors and build a scrapbook together, of times you both missed out on.
YOU cannot change the past.
YOU ARE the only one who can Control how you feel and act.
Be kind, loving and gracious, and be a good role model!!
2007-01-31 02:31:51 · answer #4 · answered by Lilly 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have a reason to be upset about the way that she treated you. But it sounds like it's all in the past. I'm guessing by your question that you've graduated and your kids are living with you full time now. If that's the case, I don't see much harm in visiting with her or having her visit with you. You may have to remind her to respect certain boundaries. Ultimately you have to decide how much stress she still causes you and your children and weigh it against the stress it will cause your marriage (if your husband still wishes to have his mother spend time with the kids). My advice is that if she's toxic, stay away from her. But if she's just a bit overbearing and a know it all, you should be able to tolerate her periodically for short visits. Good luck.
2007-01-31 02:28:01 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
Sweetie I dont want to be mean but why did your baby have to live with either of the grandmas? You guys should have kept the baby with you.. you still could have finished school. Your mother-in-law should have been more open with you but your baby has probably bonded with her more than you becuase of the time apart and in return, she feels more like the mom since shes been raising her. Keeping your baby from her now would be a cruel thing to do to your child and for the woman who raised your baby while you were at school.
2007-01-31 02:22:02 · answer #6 · answered by PenguinsWife 4 · 2⤊ 1⤋
I think it was wrong for you to allow your baby to live with you mother.. in law any how.. i mean... its your child and not hers.. she would've never been put in the situation if you would've just taken care of the kid yourself.. if anyone was wrong it would be you.. the only right thing to do is let her see the children.. and be very thankful you had someone there to hold you up.. when you needed it the most if i got pregnant my family would never take in my child. they would help me.. but that would be about it.. as my mother said to me.. you made your bed now lay in it
2007-01-31 02:48:37 · answer #7 · answered by danielle112307 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Maybe you should learn how to take care of your own and make things work...so what if your schooling has to go an hold for a bit...God gave you a beautiful gift and look what you did with it. This baby needs its parents...the bond will never happen if you don't jump in and work on it right now. So what are you waiting for?????
2007-01-31 02:24:52 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
i don't think so, i would never allow anyone to treat me or my family that way, she was only looking after your baby, the baby is you and your husbands. You should decide how the baby is raised and always be involved. But at the same time she is your daughters grandmother, i think if she realizes she did wrong by you, then forgive and forget, if not i don't think i would like my kids around her.
2007-01-31 02:29:15 · answer #9 · answered by blue butterfly 1 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Honey it sounds like she feels that is her baby. I know you were in school but should have NEVER abandonded your newborn with her. Though you thought it was best and she was family you gave her control. When you give up control you never get it back. You're stuck in an ugly situation. I'd move far away and get some control back in my life, and no you're not wrong but you allowed it to happen!
2007-01-31 02:22:50 · answer #10 · answered by healthykidnow 3 · 2⤊ 1⤋
As a grandmother myself. I would say that is harsh not letting the grandma see the child(ren). Esp. being that she took care of your daughter after she was born, so that you could finish school.
She shouldnt have acted the way she did, that is for sure.
But you have the child now, right?
2007-01-31 02:24:05 · answer #11 · answered by faith♥missouri 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋