My family member makes innapropriate comments to me ....?

Question

and I'm not quite sure what to say or how to say it.I'm obviously against it but I don't want to lose the last close family that I have. He never just comes out and says anything, it's always a hint or a little comment. I usually act like I didn't hear or understand what he said but this needs to be taken care of. I don't want to make too much of this if it isn't necessary, I just want it to stop. I'm old enough to know what he means and he knows that. I can't keep pretending he isn't saying things. God this is weird as an adult-I can't believe I'm even asking this but who better to ask than the world? I'll have to deal with the knowledge that my(family member)is a freak and a pervert for the rest of my life. Like I needed more issues.......but first please tell me how I can approach this.
Thanx-i know this is weird

hey zellparis-
he basically says things like "now you can send lewd pix to me", he has asked to rub my stomach when I had cramps, my shoulders when I was stressed, and he constantly brings up a sexual thing I did when i was younger( I didn't tell him, my cousin did). It's a feeling I get when I'm around him. but why did he wait unill i was older?he never did this when I was a kid-ever.

oh and this is my uncle

Answer 1

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Call him out on it. When he says something, ask him what he means in front of everybody. And don't drop it until it's drawn out. When he gives an answer that you know isn't a true one regardless what others see right away, say 'I don't get it' and ask him to explain. Make this last at least 30 seconds (which is longer than it sounds) which should be just long enough to make it uncomfortable for him. Do this every time he does that, and he'll stop after a few incidents.

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Answer 2

I can tell you as a victim of inappropriate family comments and as someone who's read up on the issue, your reaction (i.e. not wanting to make a fuss or a scene) is very common for the victim. It's hard to say why. Sometimes it's because you are just embarassed by the whole thing and want it to go away. Sometimes it's because you're afraid other family membes will blame you or accuse you of being overly-sensitive. Sometimes you are afraid to hurt his feelings - sounds weird but it's not uncommon. This type of person has a way of manipulating you into feeling that they're just a nice, friendly guy. And as a woman you've probably been taught not to hurt people's feelings.

It's hard to pull youself out of those ways of thinking but YOU HAVE TO. For your own sanity and for the safety of other family members who may end up in your position. You are not weird or sick. He is.

First tell him quietly that you think his comments are disgusting and inappropriate. Tell him that if he keeps it up, you're going to tell others in the family what he's doing. If he doesn't listen to you, the next time he puts his hand somewhere it's not welcome, tell him loudly and in front of others that if he every puts his hand there again he'll loose it. Then turn to everyone else and say, "Sorry folks but I'm sick of him making disgusting comments to me and putting his hands where they don't belong on me." Then add, "If you disagree then let him do it to you and see how you feel."

Answer 3

I think you need to bring it up in a situation where he can't deny his meaning otherwise he will just say you misunderstood and quite possibly continue as he was.I know you must feel very awkward about this but you need to be straight forward and firm with him. Let him know how you feel and that he needs to stop!It's simply not right.Remember that this is not about you as you have not encouraged his behavior. He knows you are family and chooses to totally disregard that fact. You shouldn't feel bad in any way about setting him straight.What would be worse is if you said nothing and he decided to act on these thoughts he's having. Honestly , I think you need to react quickly the next time it happens. You don't have to say much ..... maybe just look at him and say ( nicely but firmly ) we are family and I feel very uncomfortable with what you just said ..... then continue on with whatever you were talking about or change subject if needed . If he reacts badly (outside of being embarrassed ) you might want to question if this is really a relationship worth hanging onto because he will most likely do it again . Maybe worse !!
Hope it works out for you. Take care : )

Answer 4

You aren't telling us what kind of remarks - do you mean sexual innuendos about you? If so, that is very inappropriate.

If it were me, I would choose to confront it, or to avoid the person, or both. I would probably choose a time where it was only me and that person around, tell them that when they make those type of comments it makes me feel uncomfortable and that I choose to not be around them because of how it makes me feel, and avoid them for a period of months then let the relationship slowly develop again.

I have a brother who used to be horribly verbally abusive and would sometimes use physical force to make a point. When we were in our twenties I decided I had had enough and after a particularly ugly scene I announced to him and to the rest of the family that I was no longer speaking to him, that I would not attend any family functions that he was invited to or present at and that if he showed up at a function I was attending I would leave. This caused a big flap in the family, they tryed to intervene in many ways and would 'trap' us together. I was true to my word and would always leave, and did not speak to him for about five years. For about two years of that time he lived close to me, but he moved to Hawaii for work for three years that made it easy to avoid him. During that time I referred to him as "the evil one" and never referred to him by name.
After five or so years he came back to California and he really made an effort to redevelop our relationship and now we are very close again. Sometimes he starts to get a little harsh, all I have to do is give him a look, he remembers the five years I wouldn't talk to him and he calms right down.

Answer 5

Dear friend
I am giving u auto-suggestions for yourself which u should give at least 200 times a day:

" I am the most beautiful and loving creation of God."
" God loves me and I am blesssed with divine protection"
If you do this sincerely every day, u will see miraculous change in your family's behaviour towards U. At the end of the day, before you go to sleep thank the lord for loving you and blessing u. I feel u are not loving yourself but depending on others opinion of u. Be good and true to yourself and things will smoothen out. You can also pray to the Lord for giving wisdom to your family members so that they do not hurt u. what we cannot do ourselves, our prayers to the lord will do that for us. My best wishes for ur health and happiness. Sudershan Tingni 9818319588

Answer 6

I would suggest an indirect answer back at the person... Not knowing the comments that are being made makes it a bit hard to give you a better advice/suggestion... but if it's something like: "wow, that dress really shows your curves", then an answer of "you think so? let's go ask my mom..."

I'm not sure, but that might have him think twice before he makes another inappropriate comment next time...

Good Luck!

Answer 7

You need to stop worrying about losing him. You need to tell him how you feel and tell him to knock it off. I understand he's the last close family member, but that's not a good reason to accept that type of behavior. If he has any deceny, he will stop and then you guys can have a normal relationship.

Answer 8

It is very weird and you wouldn't be any worse off without this family member in your life. My guess is he is "feeling you out" to see how far his inappropriateness can go. I wouldn't trust him or be alone with him...ever. When I was a young teen, I was molested by my uncle (blood relative, not a spouse of my aunt). I made sure I was never alone with him again.

Answer 9

Take care of it now! He needs to be publicly humiliated, embarrassed and reprimanded for his behavior. He is an adult and should know better. Besides chances are if he hasn't done so already he may end up hurting others in the future.

Answer 10

You need to let him know his behavior bothers you or have a family member that you trust talk to him for you. If you don't say anything he'll probably keep doing these things and it could escalate to him getting physical.