Am I wrong?

Question

My boyfriend and I live together and the I am trying very hard to get used to his family, and lately boiling to a point. His parents live in NY and we reside in MD, but every 2 weeks, him mom comes to our house and cooks, cleans and washes everything possible. She calls him about 6 times a day to see how he is and calls me only to talk about him. Tonight, my boyfriend went to the hospital because he had flu-like symptoms. We called his mom to tell her and she freaks out and his dad drives all the way from NY to MD to be here. We were in the hospital a whole 4 hours (mostly waiting and hes fine). Now, his dad is spending the night and as I try and clean out kitchen, he keeps telling me to go to bed like Im some child! Im 22 and my guy is 25! I have talked to him about this and he gets defensive thinking that I am being rude to his family. I feel that they are overbearing and need to understand that he is grown with a fiance now. I feel less of a woman sometimes. What can I do?

I guess I should clear up any confusion: he lived here and asked me to move in, we are not engaged, I have talked to him about this and he has told me many times to leave if i dont like it. Hes also claims that I am jealous the my family doesnt do this type of stuff for me. I just want to feel like I am a part of a family, too and so that they can know that I can take care of him when they are in NY...we take care of eachother, but he fails to remind them of that. They only way they will know and feel that is if he tells the, but he gets defensive and only looks at it through his own eyes, no emphathizing at all. And yes, he is a only child. Now, I am grateful that he has a loving fam, and that they do these things that benefit the both of us, but where is the middle ground that realizes that he now has a girlfriend who lives with him? This is a first for them. We all have to adapt, but I cant live like this. Its killing me, I feel less of a woman over and over, and like a child.

Answer 1

Hmm.... tough one. I sometimes feel like my soon to be mom-in-law is a bit overbearing... but here is my advice, based on what works for me.
1-PICK YOUR BATTLES. for example, ask him to have her limit her visits and phone calls, but try to get along when you do see her. Clean and make things spotless to impress her when she gets there, and she'll leave that be. Allow her to cook... she probably is just trying to be sweet and share the load not realizing she's stepping on your toes.
2-TAKE A DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVE. Is he telling you to go to bed because he thinks you're a child, or just wanting you to relax since he sees you working "too hard".... is she washing because you "don't do it right/good enough" or because she sees you BOTH as family, therefore she isn't so much a guest, but a member of the family who needs to help out around the house? Less work for you... enjoy it. ?
Remember, once you're married, they are your family, so learning to get along now is important!
(Maybe talk to the mom... say... "I appreciate your help, but I'd like to spoil you as my guests.." ? )
GOOD LUCK!!

Answer 2

Wow lucky you. Not much fun I can see that. Sounds like the parents have no lives. Is he an only child? Maybe you should all get together an just bring it up casually that you would like more privacy and notice when they visit. Maybe turn the ringer off once in awhile. I hope it works out because in the long run if your man and his family don't see what they are doing to your relationship then is not going to work. Your man should see your point of view. Good luck to you.

Answer 3

As parents, they will always look upon their child as a child no matter how grown up they are. And by telling u wat to do, they are showing care and concern. I understand you may not like it but That is how they brought up their boy or at least tot that it is what the family should be like. Talk to ur bf about it when he gets better. This requires really good communication else things may turn ugly. Get some self help books to read too. It'll give you a better perspective of what the parents think and you'll tend to flare up lesser when they start telling you what to do.

Answer 4

greetings...it's just a guess, but is your boyfriend and only child? sounds to me like his parents are suffering from separation anxiety. your not alone. nor are you wrong for feeling the way you do. after my wife and i were married and living together my mother in law was just like yours. i confronted my wife about this and she thought i was over-reacting. in other words she wasn't seeing it. if you haven't already, try telling your boyfriend how you feel about it. i know the last thing you want is for them to cross the line and have you loose your cool. it's really going to come down to your man stepping up and putting his foot down. he's going to slowly have to ween them out of your personal space. it's going to take some time. if it's done right, then nobody should get there nose out joint. the truth is they just don't know any better. they have been taking care of their little boy his whole life. just be patient and have faith in your man. as a last resort, sit down with your mother in law and simply tell her how you feel. you may ruffle a few feathers, but sometimes that's what has to be done. don't worry, they will get over it. good luck

Answer 5

Is this the first time your guys is living with somebody besides his momma? if so I would try and give it some time - b/c ifs this is the first its going to be some time for them to get used to it.

And try talking to your guy, try talking calming and tell him how they make you feel - he should care about your feeling and should be man enough to tell his parents he doesn't need them to clean his house etc... he is a grown *** man. They need to figure it out.

if he wont help and you want this to work - i suggest then to just make the best out of it - and enjoy her cleaning everything for you and helping you out. Or try and make a relationship with her - when she calls talk to her - make her like you. And if she continues being rude - leave the house a mess when she comes over and maybe she wont want to come over to a dirty house.....

Answer 6

if your his fiance, you've got to get used to that and accept his family is around. when people have close families like that, a marriage will stay together longer.

personally, i think you are wrong. yes, y'all are grown, but his parents have so much experience under their belts. they want whats best for their son and daughter-in-law. if you think it's annoyin that they're cookin/cleanin FOR you, you've got the wrong priorities. his parents care, why does that bother you? accept it graciously.

when you're pregnant, you'll be wishin they were there everyday. ease up on the pride and accept their help. the first couple years of an engagement/marriage are the roughest ones. you'll get your time to shine as a responsible young lady, but for now, don't be so proud as to actually get mad about someone helpin you.

Answer 7

I don't think that you are wrong - how dare anyone tell you what to do in your house!

Try to talk to your bf without sounding like you are complaining as we all know men hate that.
If he can't see it from your shoes you have problems - as it will never change whilst he is willing to let his parents treat him like a child.
Does his mother think that you cannot clean or is this a way of checking up on you both and making sure that they are still involved in his life. I find it hard to comprehend that it doesn't annoy your bf!

Good luck i think that you are going to need it :0)

Answer 8

First off...tell his dad that he is a guest in yours and your boyfriends home, and you will damn well go to bed when and if YOU are ready! Secondly...if his family is this attached, and your boyfriend does nothing to stop their obsession...then you have to ask yourself if this relationship is worth the hassle. They obviously have no respect for you, and if you and your boyfriend were to marry and/or have children...they would probably interfere even more. His mother and father have NO RIGHT to come into what is YOUR home too, and to take over cleaning cooking and telling you what to do. Your boyfriend needs a reality check, and you need to move on

Answer 9

WOW wonder what its like to be loved like that, thats wild. I guess kind of hard for you, you are going to have to deal with it the best you can and try not to get angry, your guy doesn't want you to be rude to his family. I'd be kind of jealous not only of him, but because noone has ever cared about me like that. Also on the good side he will have learned how to care because they have shown him. He may be a good father one day. Shoot I'm jealous now. My mother forgot my name. lol

Answer 10

The question is how long you both had been living together and how long you have been dating him ? This is why they treat you like a child. They treat him like a baby and they think you are too young to run the house.