Can you forgive someone who is not sorry?

Question

My stepfather physically abused me the whole ten years we was with my mother. He was a terrible man to live with. I live on my own now, but I still see him occasionally when I pick up my little sister (she is his daughter) from his house. My older sister (not his daughter) keeps telling me I need to forgive him and move on. But how can I do that? I truely do hate him! If he died, I wouldn't care, in fact I would be glad that the Earth is rid of one more dirtbag! I know he doesn't care about the hell he put me through. He probably still thinks about it and admires himself for beating up on a six year old kid. Trust me, that's the kind of person he is. He never mistreated his biological children, just his stepchildren. How do I forgive someone who isn't sorry for what they did to me?

I'm a Pagan, by the way, so some values from the Pagan faith would be of great help.

Yes, Uncle Wayne, I know that. That's why I'm asking this question. What does forgive mean?

Answer 1

How about just some good ideas from a mental health perspective? If you can talk to a counsel about your past this would help you a great deal. If you can not do that you can write about it in a journal. Pour your heart out in it. Write to him in it, but do not give it to him. Get as much of your anger out as you can. Then when you have written all that you can, and cried and screamed all that you can, when the time seem right you are going to take the journal and have a little ceremony. Some place safe to build a small fire, maybe a small barbecue grill in the backyard. You are going to do some of your practices from Wicca or whatever you follow and you are going to burn the journal. When you do this you are going to pray for his release and for yours. You will allow yourself to forgive him. I once had a good prayer for that, but don't have it here. I think it goes like this "I freely and fully forgive you and release you to go on to your highest and best self. I am freely and fully released to attain my highest and best self in this life."

The reason you are going to do this is not for him. It is for YOU. As long as you have the anger and rage and have not forgiven, you are binding him to you. Let him go. The universe will take care of him. It is not your place to do that. Let him go, and move on with your life. Remember the best revenge is to live well.
Peace with with you.

Answer 2

I think that forgiving someone isn't necessarily about absolving that person of blame, but about accepting what happened as reality that can't be changed any longer - regardless of right and wrong.

My father did the walk out of the family thing years ago - here one day, gone the next, both physically and emotionally.

I forgave him for what he did a number of years ago - on the other hand, I still have no interest in a relationship with him beyond a casual acquainted. I still want to understand what happened and why, but now its an intellectual curiosity rather than what was a desperate obsession.

I forgave him to 'save myself' rather than to 'save him'. Doing this helped me to not resent my sister's relationship with my father - a relationship she still feels guilty in many ways for having. It's also allowed me, by forgiving that resentment, to have a relationship with my niece and nephew - I never would have really given that a chance and wouldn't have known what I was missing.

I don't think being pagan or otherwise has anything to do with it really - all beliefs or lack there of have their own way of interpreting the same reality we live in.

I don't know if how I've dealt with things was the right thing to do or not, but I do know I am healthier and happier for it - ie - I can sleep better at night for example, I have a relationship with my niece and nephew, I don't boggle my mind daily trying to figure out why he did what he did.

Answer 3

Hi, Maria,
Yes, yes, you absolutely CAN forgive someone who isn't sorry! If you do, you'll get rid of the old pain and resentment that undermine your present happiness and you'll start to heal from the trauma of the abuse. Although I don't know what values are relevant to paganism, you'll surely be reducing the amount of evil and pain in the world, which has to be worthwhile.

I was abused as a kid, too. One thing that held me back in learning to forgive was the idea that the other person had done me wrong, and GOTTEN AWAY WITH IT! My pride said, "They can't do that to me and get away with it!" But the truth is, sweetie, once a person does something, they have ALREADY gotten away with it. Even if they pay a penalty later, that's just revenge, and revenge can't undo what that person did. Nothing can undo it. They did it, and they got away with it, and now it's time to pick up the pieces and go forward.

And see this: if your ability to do something good and healthy for yourself is dependent in any way on his being sorry, then he still has you in his power! Well, f**k his power! Forgive him, freely and fully, for YOUR sake!

Answer 4

I am trying to understand what you went through. It sounds terrible to me. I can see why you feel like you do. You ask about forgiveness. I can give you my definition of forgiveness- i think that in your case you could try to forgive your-Lousy-dirt-bag-creepy step-father just for your own good. It is not an easy thing to do-forgiveness. You will never completely forget and you should avoid even seeing this person who hurt you so bad. Try to get it out of your mind as much as you can. Do it for you. In a pagan kind of way- i think you can manage to do this and find yourself a much better and stronger person. Don't ever let anyone hurt you this way again. Forgiveness in a way is putting this behind you and moving forward looking toward the future for your happiness and not letting the past drag you down. Forgetting is not the same as forgiveness as your uncle was trying to tell you I guess---

Answer 5

Forgiveness in this situation can be for your sake more than his. The negative feelings you have for him, justified as they are, can affect other relationships. I have been hurt in the past. Not in the way you have, but I was mistreated in certain ways. It has caused me to lose trust in others, guard myself, and avoid being vulnerable with people, even those I care about. This robs me of part of what it means to be human. I hope to overcome this eventually --and I do forgive the person who hurt me-- but it will take time. Maybe the same is true for you.

Answer 6

There is an excellent book out worth reading

at least once (free to read at the library)

Called: "Working With Anger"

BY: Thubten Chodron,

which helps a person deal with anger,

unforgiveness, rage, hatred, impatience,

envy and jealousy. Teaches us how to devel-

their opposites, to live a happy life.

"The Purpose to forgive is mostly for ourselves, not for the other. We live within the prison of our own minds, if we choose Not to forgive.
Whether he deserves it or Not, forgive, or else it will cause you much pain mentally, and cause you much physical dis-ease, & sickness.
Do it for You." Read the book when time permits.

It is written by an Atheist !

Answer 7

I'm Pagan myself.

Here's the thing about forgivness. It's not at all about the other person. It has nothing to do with absolution.

Forgiveness is simply a matter of saying that you are not going to harbor ill will toward the person who wronged you. You no longer wish retribution. It's about giving up your anger and hatred.

You can forgive, and that doesn't mean that you will fail to see their evil nature. You don't have to invite them to dinner, babysit your children. You can still see them for who they are.

Forgiveness is simply the decision to release the anger you have toward that person. They are still responsible for their actions, They might still be held accountable in a court of law, and you can still, with forgiveness in your heart, testify against them for their crimes.

Forgiveness implies the sort of love for that person that you offer to every other person simply for their being a part of the human family. You can pray for their recovery for the sickness that caused them to do such actions. Pray for their healing.

Often, people who abuse were abused themselves. It's a rare parent who decides to do such a thing to their child.

You'll need to work on your own issues to deal with this. I don't know if you've done that sort of work. A good book is "The Courage to Heal". There is also a good online forum that deals with these issues.

As a Pagan, you probably believe in reincarnation. You know that this person will be here again, and will be required to deal with the pain he has caused in this life. In some future life, you will likely come to know each other again, and have a much better relationship than in this one. You can choose to forgive now, or you can wait until later. All of his, and all of your, and all of my transgressions against others will be brought back into balance.

Hatred consumes souls. Get rid of it for YOUR sake, not his.

Brightest blessings,

--Dee.

Email me if you wish.

Answer 8

I have had similar experiences. My father was (and in some ways still is) an awful person. I have chosen to minimize my contact with him, even though I have forgiven him. But forgiveness doesn't have to mean that you tolerate continued abuse, or even that you have a relationship.

It took me a long time to realize that the hatred I felt for him was negative energy that I was internalizing. I had to not just understand but truly believe that what happened was past and could not be undone. Focusing on it and rehashing it in my mind could not change it, or him. I couldn't undo it. Hating him couldn't undo it, or prevent it happening again.

I chose to forgive him, not for his sake, but for my own, and to guard myself against future harm by avoiding further contact with him. Now he acts as though nothing ever happened. And that's okay; that's his thing, not mine. I don't have to own it.

Little bit rambly, there. Sorry. But I hope it helps a little?

Answer 9

Forgiveness doesn't mean "it's all better now, I'm not upset that this happened."

Forgiveness means "I can't change the past, but I will not let it continue to control my present and taint my future."

Forgiveness is not for HIM. Forgiveness is so that YOU can heal and move on.

Hatred is an energy-sink of an emotion. He doesn't care if you hate him, and all it does is feed the negativity that surrounds you, and makes your life bad. You deserve better than allowing your past to have that sort of control over your present.

Dismiss his existence as unimportant to who you are now and to the person that you have become. That is what "moving on" means.

Bright blessings to you.

Answer 10

That is a wonderful question, and I have to say yes, you should forgive him, and I KNOW this would be so hard- I mean I know if it were me I would have bitterness in my heart- that is a hard thing to get rid of especially when someone does not even say they are sorry or asks for forgiveness. But I too have forgiven someone I know for things they did not say sorry for, and these aren't near as bad as the things you went through- but I can understand. I am a christian though- and I know that the Lord would want me to forgive them, in doing so, it is bringing glory to God and He gives me peace through it. This is very true, not just saying it because it "sounds good" but God does bring me peace when I forgive without someone giving an apology.