I'm gonna try again, since no answered the first time. can someone please critique this?

Question

I stare in shock
watching words appear on the screen in front of me
not wanting to believe them.

I want to be beside you
to comfort you
for every moment of your pain
I feel on my own heart.

You tell me you don’t know what to do
and oh, I want to help you
but I don’t know either.

I want to be wise
I want to ease your agony
For every moment of your pain
I feel on my own heart.

You tell me you don’t want to face it
you don’t want to go home
and all I can do is say, I’m here for you

I want to gather you in my arms
to soothe your sore heart
for every moment of your pain
I feel on my own heart

Then you hit me
with your hardest blow yet
you leave within the month

And tears fill my eyes
you say you’re holding back tears too
and every moment of your pain
I feel on my own heart

All I can do is tell you I’ll miss you
tell you I’ll never forget you
cherish the memories that I have
over a time cut far too short
savor the last moments before you disappear
and my world collapses around me

let me explain this a bit more. I wrote this just after I found out my best friend's dad got arrested for the secound time in a few months, she's confused and not sure what to do, and she just found out her mom decided they should move within the next month. thanks for the advice so far

Answer 1

So what's your question

Answer 2

i fell on my heart > i feel IN my heart
and all I can do is say, I’m here for you > I'm here for you
you leave within the month >you'll leave within the month
you say you’re holding back tears too>you’re holding back tears too
and i don't like how in the 8th stanza how the recurring line is changed from FOR every moment of you pain to AND every moment of your pain. maybe you could change them all to just "every moment of your pain"

otherwise very nice, it makes my heart hurt a little, that's good in a poem though

Answer 3

I feel in my own heart. I feel on my own heart doesn't sound right.
All I can do is tell you I'll miss you
I'll never forget you
cherish the memories that I have.

Besides that It sounds pretty darn good.
Hope this helped.

Answer 4

your poem is pretty good at the end tho, i would change it a little:
cherishing the memories that i have of us
that were cut far to short
I savour the last moments before you disappear
and my life of you collapses around me

I feel of my own heart

Answer 5

I think it is very well written. Maybe try sending it away to get published and they may have more advice for you.

Answer 6

Wow...it's good, and deep. And sad. Did this happen to you? REPORT THE AZZ!!! ...if not, well...nvm :D

but i dont like the person in the story because she still wants him after he abused her. its pathetic. but good poetry.

Answer 7

not bad, may need more opinions from other
i can understand pain

Answer 8

This is REALLY GOOD! You should get it published.

Answer 9

it sounds desperate.