My father is in a rehabilitation/live in home.?

Question

How do I cope with my fathers anger and dimentia. He argues about his finances. He can't manage them anymore. He feels no one cares for him. But we do. I am the primary care giver. I've handled all his life decisions for 4 years now since his stroke. Sometimes its so over whelming for me. I hear all his complaints and he is just never satisfied. He is now 93 years old and still fiesty as ever. How do I cope?. Is anyone in a similar situation?

Answer 1

In that same rocky boat. The most important thing to have right now, is a strong sense of humor. You should not feel any guilt. You didn't create the situation, you have no control over the situation and you can't fix the situation. I guess you know he isn't angry at you. And it is perfectly okay to cut the visit short and leave when the anger starts. E-mail me and I will tell you about my mother stealing another patients dentures and refusing to give them back. 8o)

Answer 2

I'm a visiting nurse and have worked with many families in the same position you are in. Currently, I am working for an 86 year old woman who also suffers from dementia and frequently hallucinates. Some days, she refuses to eat or drink anything at all because she's positive she's already eaten all day long. Her daughter is beside herself and frequently cries. I'll tell you the same thing I tell her. You're doing the best you can. You are taking loving care of your parent and you're doing a wonderful job. Even if he doesn't say how much he appreciates you, on an emotional level, he does. And he loves you very much! What would he do without you? He owes these past 4 years of his life to your care and concern for his well being. What an incredible person you are!! I must emphasize, above all else, that you have to get out on occasion. Even if it's to go read a book in a corner by yourself, you MUST take the time for yourself. Try to see (if you maybe have brothers or sisters) if someone else can give you a break just for a little while. Go get your hair done or a manicure. You MUST pamper you! And your other family members have to understand how vital it is for you to regenerate so that you can keep providing that for him. Lastly, I know there are caregiver support groups in most areas (just google it to find out in your area) and they offer a tremendous amount of support and help with most things. Good luck and I just want to thank you for being such a good child to your parent, there is no more important role in this world than being a caregiver!!!

Answer 3

I'm so sorry for your plight, however, the opportunity to be able to care for them, as they did for us, is irreplaceable. My parents took turns, Dad was easy going and understood there is a time for everything. Mom was a bit more volatile, she said things that I knew only came from her anger and frustration at her loss. These things are meaningless, do not dwell on them, the only reality that you need, is the divine intention of your heart for your parent, keep your smile and share it with everyone, you know the old adage that laughter is the best medicine, it's true, find the humor in silly things that happen, look at things sideways and don't be too serious. There is one constant truth that you must remember, you can never lose your parents, they will always be there as the best part of you and always think that they would want you to have a happy life, that is each parents best wish. MOST IMPORTANTLY, DO NOT hesitate to call on the professionals that deal with these problems every day, they will help you to cope with the changes that are to come. When the time comes, get help from hospice services and don't be afraid to face the situation, peace will come. Make him comfortable and keep telling him you Love him. You're doing God's work!

Answer 4

I WAS in your situation. My mom died 13 years ago, during which time I handled financial and household management for my dad who was ill with diabetes and renal failure, and was blind. You're right! It IS overwhelming at times and you begin to feel you are not appreciated and that you no longer have a life of your own, even tho I have a family of my own, I still was responsible and treid to do what was right by my dad. He complained a lot too, and would become angry and verbally abusive at times. No one understands unless they have been thru it! My dad died on New Yrs Day (just a few wks ago). I do miss him greatly, but there is also a sense of calm in my life now, that wasn't there before. I don't regret helping him, and I loved him (otherwise I would have never took on the last 13 yrs), but I realize that you can love someone, and still be overwhelmed by the burdens that come with being a care-taker. I wish you strength to carry on awhile longer, patience that you can do this and not explode, and peace, that when your dad is no longer here that you will know in your heart that you did your best in an almost impossible situation. GODSPEED

Answer 5

I feel very bad for you. It's a difficult situation. I did in home care for a lady who has dementia. My husband and I lived with her and I'm the one who took care of her. She was a friends aunt and they didn't want to put her in a rest home. It got so hard to take care of her, she became totally bed ridden and I had to do everything for her. At times she would be lucid and things weren't to bad, but most of the time she acted pretty much like a spoiled child. She would get confused and wake me up at all times of the night and want a soda and chips. I'd have to explain to her that it was the middle of the night and I'd get her some water. This would go on all the time. She was in and out of the hospital and rest homes. Each time she'd come back she would have physically deteriated more and more. Her last hospital stay ended up with her in a rest home permanantly. She has been moved many times because she became very difficult for the hosp/rest home staff to handle. She would cuss and yell at them, even attacking some physically, so they'd move her somewhere else. She and I got along pretty well, she never physically attacked me, never cussed at me either. But taking care of her was a 24 hour a day job for me, 7 days a week. I physically couldn't handle it any more. So I know how difficult it is for you, especially since it sounds like you don't have any out side help. Don't you have ny other relatives that can relieve you? If your not careful you'll end up in the hospital yourself. You need time for yourself. And I don't mean someone helping with him while you do errands away from your home. You need time to rest and unwind. Contact your dads doctor or local medical facility and see if they have programs or know of any programs that can assist you. Good luck and take care of yourself. Don't feel alone their are lots of us care givers out here going through similiar situations as you are.

Answer 6

look into a caregiver support group.......even with him in a facility the dementia and side affects from the stroke can case the person to be very mean and abusive which although you understand why it doesn't make the pain ant less.

Answer 7

go to groups who have people like yourself, who are caretakers for their elderly loved ones! you need support and it is out there if you seek it out! do not make yourself miserable! FIND A BALANCE IN YOUR LIFE! TAKE UP NEW HOBBIES IF NEED BE SO YOU CAN MENTALLY BE STRONGER! it sounds like you are doing all you can! AND YES, THERE ARE OTHERS IN SIMILAR SITUATIONS! LOOK UP A GOOD COUNSELOR IN YOUR AREA AND DISCUSS THIS WITH THEM! THEY WIIL BE GLAD TO POINT YOU IN RIGHT DIRECTION! [e-mail] says good luck, and pat yourself on the back for a good job you are doing! sounds like you need a reward for caring!

Answer 8

do onto others as you want them to do to you if i were you i would do all that you can for him at 93 he could go at any time and you never know you might be in his shoes one day

Answer 9

Find a caregiver support group in your area.

Answer 10

that's ludicrous