I need to hear a really good joke, the one that makes me laugh the most gets a best answer!
2007-01-30 12:32:39 · 21 answers · asked by NeonBlue 3 in Entertainment & Music ➔ Jokes & Riddles
This is kind of long, so follow the details and you'll get it!
Four people are in the passenger car of a traveling train. There is a mother and her attractive 19 year old daughter. Across from them are an Army captian and a young male soldier.
The train is traveling along, they aren't talking ... it's dead quiet and then the train goes under a tunnel. It's completely dark now and all they hear is a kissing sound and a really loud slap!
Each person has their own thoughts about it:
The mother thinks that the young soldier tried to kiss her daughter and her daughter slapped him for it.
The daughter thinks that the young man tried to kiss her but got her mother instead. And again, he got slapped for it.
The captian thinks that the young man tried to kiss the young girl and the mother meant to slap the young man for it but got him instead.
All the while the young man is thinking "I was able to kiss the back of my hand and got to slap my captian for it!"
Get it? I loved it ....
A second one ... short and cheesy:
Q: How does a blonde know when the food is done?
A: The smoke detector goes off.
2007-01-30 12:45:09 · answer #1 · answered by ~Les~ 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
This old guy wobbles into an ice cream shop.
He has a hard time walking.
He is hunched over.
He goes up to the counter and says,
"Banana Split, please."
The lady at the counter replies,
"Crushed nuts?"
The old man says,
"No, Arthritis!"
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .
"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."
“Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.”
The website that this is from is hilarious! Check it out!
2007-01-30 12:36:14 · answer #2 · answered by ? 4 · 2⤊ 1⤋
a couple was at a counseling service. the counselor was interviewing the husband first then the wife later. "so", the counselor was saying to the husband, "are you a religious man?",
"oh yeah" the man replied with enthusiaisim. "me and god have a very close relationship. i do what im supposed to and he rewars me with small miracles. just the other day i woke up in the middle of the night and when i opened the bathroom door the ligth came on for me without me even doing anything." amazed the counselor asked a few more questions then talked to the wife.
"so your husband is quite the religious guy?" the counselor asked. "i guess so i mean he says his prayers and reads the bible." she replied.
"but he was telling me that god was performing miracles for him, like he said that the light just turned on for him when he goes to the bathroom at night." the counselor informed.
the wife rolled her eyes then said, "oh great he's peeing in the refrigerator again."
2007-01-30 12:50:20 · answer #3 · answered by the bertis 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough, they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."
He said, "Screw him, give him a dollar."
The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
2007-01-30 12:35:04 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 4⤊ 1⤋
A man and woman have been married for 20 years, and everytime they make love, the husband insists on turning the light of. The wife is getting really annoyed with this, and wonders why he keeps doing it. Well one night they wer about to make love and the husband turned the light of, so as he was giving her a good seeing to she turned on the lights and she was suprised by what she saw. Her husband was standing there with a vibrator in his hand, she goes really mad saying '20 years you have lied to me, how could you, I want you to explain yourself' and the husbands reply was 'I'll explain the vibrator, you explain the kids'
2007-01-30 12:38:41 · answer #5 · answered by crazyicklepwincess 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
How do you give a hillbilly a circumcision?
Kick his sister in the jaw
.... Saw that one online... not very funny
Uh.... Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil.
Hey man, thats not a joke thats a riddle!
2007-01-30 12:37:37 · answer #6 · answered by Pat 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
A man was very distraught at the fact that he had not taken out a woman for a very long time. He began to worry that he had something wrong with him, so he decided to employ the services of a medical sex therapist. His own GP recommended that he go to see Dr Chang, a well known Chinese sex therapist.
So he went to see him.
Upon entering the examination room Dr Chang said, "OK, preeze take off all your crose". The man did as he was told. "Now, get down and craw reery reery fass to odder side of loom". Again the man did as he was instructed. "OK, now craw reery reery fass back to me". So he did. Dr Chang slowly shook his head and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not get dates".
Confused, the man asked "Oh my God, Dr Chang. What is Ed Zachary Disease?"
"Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your asss."
2007-01-30 12:36:32 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Okay, two redneck friends went deer hunting and neither of them wore hunting vests. After all deer are color blind they said. Well
they continued walking through the woods and one of the hunters
heard a shot ring out and his partner fell to the ground. He dialed
911 on his cell phone and told the operator that he thought his
friend was dead. She asked him to be sure that his friend was
dead, he told her to wait a moment and went to his friend and
the operator heard a shot ring out. He returned to the phone
and told her yep he's dead now!
2007-01-30 12:40:18 · answer #8 · answered by my-stang 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Two peanuts were walking in Central Park. One was assaulted.
A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm and says, "Bartender, give me two drinks; one for me and one for the road."
2007-01-30 12:37:39 · answer #9 · answered by Bestie 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
ask some one: why r firetrucks red??
they say no, u say...
because
2+2=4
4x3=12
there r 12 inches in a foot
a foot is a ruler
Queen elizabeth was a ruler
Q elizabeth had ships
the ships sailed the sea
the sea has fish
fish have fins
the finns fought the Russians
and the russians always wore red
thats y firetrucks r red
2007-01-30 12:38:01 · answer #10 · answered by Tigers Gal! 4 · 1⤊ 3⤋