A good friend is getting married but my son is not invited to the wedding. What should I do?

Question

The couple in question have no kids and have decided not to have kids at their wedding apart from two nieces and two nephews stating that they don't want kids running riot and there would be about 15 kids. The guest list is approx 150 people. I have said I don't think my husband and I would attend if our little boy isn't invited as I feel it is unfair to invite only certain members of a family. I also think my boy would get upset if I told him we were going but he is not invited. I would not lie to my boy about where we were going. My friend has taken great offense to this and thinks we are being unreasonable. I hate to fall out with them and think when they have kids they may feel the same as I do, but how do I fix the friendship. I would possibly go to the wedding but not the reception but don't like that idea much. Should I apologise and treat them to a meal as a gesture? Any advise will be welcomed. thank you.

I would like to add I had loads of kids at my wedding and it was fun, even though I hated kids. It has nothing to do with over protectiveness but enjoy my son's company and think I shouldn't palm him of so I can go and get drunk. Weddings are family events not selected family member events. How are children supposed to learn how to react and behave if they are not allowed to such events. My 5 yr old has gone to weddings, funerals and seen ill people in hospital and although sometimes his behaviour was inappropriate, a quick chat to explain what he was doing wrong rectified it and has therefore learnt how to behave in these situations. I think it is sad to keep getting sitters in. I would not expect her to change her plans in any way to accomodate my beliefs. I wanted to show my support to her without compromisisng my beliefs by saying I can't go to the wedding but would like to take you both out.

Answer 1

My husband and I would not go to a wedding if our son were not invited - of whatever age. No kids at a ceremony/reception is no fun. We had LOTS at ours and everyone had a blast. We both grew up going to lots of weddings, too.

Answer 2

I think you should respect the wishes of the bride and groom. Some people do not want children at their wedding. Not only can children act inappropriately (i am sure your son would behave), but they are expensive to have at a wedding!!! When i got married, I did not allow children b/c they would have each cost me 50$ for their dinner!!! When i was a child, my parents attended many functions (weddings, office parties, etc) without my sister and I. We learned that there are some place where children belong, and some places children don't. What my mom did do, is take my sister and i to the ceremony (many times the wedding ceremonies were at 2 pm, with the reception not occuring until 6pm) and just get the babysitter for the reception.

Answer 3

maybe your wedding was a family event, but that doesn't means, as you say that all "weddings are family events"

there could be many reasons that the bride and groom do not want children at their wedding...
maybe the food wont be kid friendly, maybe they don't want to have to worry about talking or crying during the ceremony...maybe 15 more guests just isn't in their budget...
but in the end, no matter the reason, it's there decision.

how old is your son? have you ever left him with a baby sitter?
if so, this shouldn't be any different. there are some places/events that are only for adults, and you should just tell him that. (you don't have to tell him that he "wasn't invited")
even if he is upset about not being included, he'll get over it. kids are resilient that way....believe me, you are getting way more worked up about this than you son would.

Answer 4

The couple getting married have every right to not include children in their wedding, they're paying for it, it's their right. You have the right to not attend if you can't bring your child. I don't think it's unfair to only invite the adult members of a family, it's happened with my husband and I all the time. Honestly, I don't think children belong at most weddings, and looking at my own children, the ones they've been to, they've hated, and have been miserable, which made me miserable. Personally, I would hire a sitter for your son, and go to the wedding and have a good time (and you don't have to get drunk to have a good time). You don't have to lie to your child and tell him where you're going, but you don't have to tell him either--also kids don't get as upset about stuff like this as we think they will. If you don't feel comfortable with that, then simply decline the invite, don't give a reason--even though you already have--and make your generous offer to take them out to dinner, or even to have them over to your home for dinner. You should definitely apologise to the couple, not for your opinion (because you have every right to it), but for bringing it up with them. That's where you messed up, because if you had never said anything about it, they wouldn't have gotten defensive about it. They might also be getting flack from other people about it, and you were the final straw, so to speak. Still doesn't make their reaction right, but that's neither here nor there. Tell them that you value their friendship, but just don't feel right about attending the wedding without your son, so you won't be able to attend. Be polite, and then offer to have them over for dinner. Good luck.

Answer 5

It is their wedding and i think it should be respected that they don't want kids there. Maybe they would feel different if they had children of their own, but they don't. The kids they have invited are their family and so it is their choice really. You have to understand also that with every extra head there is a charge, maybe they feel 150 people is already enough. If they invite your son they would also feel obliged to invite everyone everyone else's.

I think you should go without your son and explain that no other children will be there so he may have no one to play with even if he went, and if this friend is a good one you will want to see their wedding.

Answer 6

I am having a "no kids" wedding not because I feel they should not be there or would misbehave-behave but because having children would up my guest list by AT LEAST 30 people. Do you know that the meals are no less expensive for children? And if you are having Hor D'ouvurs you have to include children into the total?

All in all, it is her day and her decision. If she doesn't want kids there nothing you do or say will change her mind. Nieces and nephews at the wedding is one thing, but inviting your son would hurt a bunch of people who have kids, right?

And where does the whole "lie to my boy" come in? You can simply say that you are going to a "grown-up's" party. Not a lie, in fact couldn't be more the truth, and it teaches your son that he is not welcome/does not belong everywhere you go (a valuable lesson).

Answer 7

I am getting married in June and no kids are invited to my reception either. Just the kids in the wedding party which are my 2 children and my fiance's daughter.
The main reason I did it is because people will be drinking alcohol and will be getting tipsy. It is an adult event and kids do not need to be around this. Also most people are not offended. They take it as a night out without the kids!! I know I do.
The other reason is we have a lot of kids in the family and it would be a big expense.

Answer 8

Think you were totally out of order bringing this up to your friend. It is her (their) day and up to them if they wish children there or not. Also if she has 150 guests that will be very expensive. Notice someone posted about bringing food for children. I live in Scotland and certainly no hotel, nor venues with caterers would allow food food in. If I was to invite all the children from our family we are talking of over 40. If couples were wanting lots of children at their wedding I am sure they would cater accordingly A four or 5 piece wedding band here costs £1,000 - £13.000 and imagine expensive wherever. Why do people have these bands at receptions??? TO DANCE so you think it's acceptable that children should run around as they do and ruin dancing for the adults? Also you refer to your son as 'our little boy' I presume he is pretty young.Sorry again but you are only storing up trouble for yourself if you cannot tell a 'little' child that mum and dad are going out without him getting upset. This is why there are so many spoiled children in the world today who grow up thinking everything should go their way at no matter what cost.

Answer 9

As you said weddings are a family affair, & your son is not part of your friend's family. THe guest count is high already. Why add 15 non-relatives to the list, even if they are 1/2 price. I had a cousin who was 4 at my wedding. She picked up my bouget while I was away from the table, and ..."he lovesme, he loves me not...." At least no one had to hang my $200 bouquet upsidedown for me.
Keep in mind I insisted that my cousins be invited to the wedding b/c I had gone to my aunts's weddings as a child.

If you don't want to go without your son, don't go, but requesting that someone elses put up with your child is too much.

Definately apologize, but don't expect her to change her mind, as I'm sure you won't.

Answer 10

Am afraid I follow the general consensus on this one... I do not want children at my wedding for many reasons..

1.. It is a big responsibility to be able to entertain a number of children.. one that I do not want on my wedding day.
2.. They tend to be noisy and disruptive at just the wrong moments. . this I have experienced at many weddings before.
3..I plan to drink on my wedding day and i hope many of the guests enjoy a drink or two as well.. tipsy adults are not a good example to children.. and so I don't want to be responsible for exposing kids to that.
4.. Children aren't the cleanest of eaters.. i know for one that my mum is very squeemish when it comes to dribble and food around mouths and I am afraid i am too... I do not want to inflict that on my other guests either at the sit-down meal.

I know children can create a great happy-go-lucky atmosphere and maybe this seems unreasonable to those people who have children.. and I am sure that, if I had children when I got married, that my opinion would change and i would love kids to be there.
But I am afraid that on my special day I want to be quite selfish. Afterall it is only one day.. and I want to make the most of it.

Also, to be honest I would feel quite upset if parents refused to attend my wedding because they disagree with my reasoning. i would understand them staying for a couple of hours and leaving early to get back to their kids but giving me the ultimatum of "kids come or we don't" would really upset me.

Isn't there anyway you can attend the ceremony and maybe a couple of hours at the reception without any hard feelings?
One of the answers above suggests it is a good learning curve for your son to realise their are situations where he cannot attend.. I would agree with this.. maybe give him a treat when you get home or plan a family day out the day after the wedding.

Wedding planning is very stressful for the bride, it is likely that she may not understand your reasoning and could blow your rejection of the invitation out of proportion at this time which could cause a bigger argument. If you really cannot face going without your son then it is best to explain this to her in person.. preferably at a time when she isn't busy and can sit and chat to you properly. I'm afraid I would still feel a little resentment at this if it was me and may see the offer of a meal as an empty gesture. I mean, afterall your son will probably not be at that meal either so what is the difference between spending a few hours at a meal with them to 'fix' the friendship or just spending a couple of hours at the reception to start with?

Answer 11

I can understand not wanting children at your wedding/reception, but you can't invite some and not others. It should be an "all or none" type of thing. Unless the 4 children mentioned are IN the wedding, I think you have a very valid point. If the 4 are members of the wedding party, you have to do what you feel is right for you. A wedding invitation does not have to extend to all members of a family, or even all members of a household.