How can I keep my authority over my adult children?

Question

I have a daughter, 24, and son, 27. I used to be a very strict mom, I was the law, and I belived in strict discipline, punishments and spanking. I believe I did my duty, my daughter is a biochemist and my son is an engineer with post-graduation. But neither likes me, both are kinda resentful and in their opinion I was everything a parent should not be. My husband, who also was strict but not as much as me, died, and, like me, left a strong resentment. Today my kids don't hug or kiss me, show no love, don't pretend they like me, but anyway help me. I have health issues and live w/ my daughter in her apartment, but she doesn't accept my authority any more, she doesn't even bother to ask my opinion. She lets me live there, I don't contribute a cent, but she simply doesn't care about what I think. The same is true of my son, he helps me w/ money, but that's all. They have different opinions and principles, when I die I won't leave good memories. This bothers me

Answer 1

sounds like you should be lucky your daughter lets you live with her.......they don't have to listen to you anymore...let it go...it obviously didn't work anyway.......

Answer 2

Why do you think you should still have authority over your adult children? Once your children are adults and out of your house, you should leave their lives up to them. You earn respect, it is not something that is owed to you. Have you tried talking to your children about these issues? Maybe you should look back and re-examine the way you treated them, you say your husband died (for that I'm truly sorry), and they resent him, then you admit you were more strict and controlling than he was, you have to expect them to not want to show affection towards you. Although, they must have some, or they wouldn't give you money or let you live with them. If your health problems are severe, you should try to look at things from their point of view and try to make peace with them before the end, because as you know there is nothing you can do about any of these issues after you're gone.

Answer 3

I think you asked about this situation before. Being a good parent is a good but being a dictator is another. From you children's behavior towards you it sounds like you were very, very strict. You talk about authority over your ADULT children!!! Why??? Do you not believe that your children at this age have a right to live their lives without being dictated about everything from you??? If you want your kids to care for you then you are going to have to sit down with them and have an open conversation. You are going to have to bare all your feelings about this issue and expect that your kids will respond with hostility. They probably are harboring it and so that's why you don't see affection. You still have time to atone for your behavior. By being open and treating them like adults, NOT like little kids, you just might be able to repair the relationship. The choice is yours whether you want to accept the criticism and make changes, otherwise after your death don't expect your kids to mourn for you.

Answer 4

You said that you were a strict mom, believed in strict discipline, punishments and spanking but you never mentioned anything about love. During those years, did you hug and kiss them in spite of the things that they may have done wrong?? Did you tell them that you loved them with all you heart?? Why would you want to have authority over them now?? It sounds like they have done well for themselves, respect their decision on things. You should keep your opinion to yourself unless it is asked for. Remember, Your Reap What You Sow!!

Answer 5

Well, lets start with the whole authority thing, you are living in your daughters house, HER HOUSE, she can do what ever she pleases, even kick you out. So that wouldn't be even a thought going through my head if I were you. Second, the only thing you can do is say your sorry and try to show your children that what you were doing you thought it was for the welfare of their lives. Now if they can't accept that then let it go. But your never going to repair a relationship with your children if you don't humble yourself and seek forgiveness. Your children love you I'm sure but they don't have to like you, sorry to say. If you start trying little by little I'm sure they will too.

Good luck!

Answer 6

Your days of authority are over. Firstly, your children are adults and they don't have to listen to you anymore. Secondly, you live in your daughters house, for free, so you have to abide by her wishes. From the sounds of it you should feel lucky that they didn't put you in a third rate nursing home. Apparently your children feel that you were too strict and that you didn't show your love and affection to them so why should they show it to you? You say that you believe you did your duty. Well your children are doing their duty which is providing for you. I had strict parents too but they also showed me love and affection so I knew that what they did, they did out of love, not duty.

Answer 7

To be honest with you, instead of asking how can I keep my authority? You should be asking, how can I get my children to forgive me. You may have felt it was right, and that they grew up to be successful. But it obviously damaged them, and their confidence in you. There are boundries, every child needs guidance and a good foudation. But no child wants some drill sargent over them.With rules should come compassion. It seems you spent most of your time pointing at them, than holding them. Your children became who they are by choice. You may have been strict, but they could have certainly rebelled. Believe me, it wasn't so much your guidance that lead them this way. But they wanted to have better and show you. You need to earn their respect and you will not get it until you give it. I am sorry, you truly need to acknowledge and admit and seek forgivness. Goodluck to all of you.

Answer 8

See a shrink to help you with your control issues. It sounds like both of your children are doing well for themselves, but I wonder, you saw it all as a duty, what about love? Did you tell your kids you loved them in between dicipline, punishments, and spanking. Start with your daughter, you kids love you, if they didnt you'd be in a home someplace, try talking to her. You might not be able to heal resentment of the past, but it's never to late to start fresh. I'm sure you hope to have grandchildren one day, maybe it's time to reconcile with your kids so that their kids are raised in a home with love, and rules.

Answer 9

why do you then think it's a good idea to keep your authority over them? You should start by trying to build a new relationship with them so you can leave SOME good memories. They are adults now not your little minions. You should be happy they haven't put you in a home and not dealt with you at all.

Answer 10

do not get into the rude corporation. in case you do, this can reason much better worry, and they could flow by using polices orders and could torture that boy even better most advantageous him to flow into melancholy and doubtless even suicidal situations. purely attempt to assist the little boy one way or the different. Invite him in at the same time as he get's kicked out. Spend sometime with him. i extremely imagine the mothers and fathers ought to come out and yell at you telling you to wander off and not in any respect verify with their baby. I propose you do it in inner most one way or the different. call him in for some snacks, and toys. verify with him. i imagine he ought to decide on the chat a touch better than we predict of. Social amenities will take him into an orphanage . . . i'm not particular if he ought to extremely submit which includes his mothers and fathers than stay with out his blood relatives.

Answer 11

just lay off know that there older thay are there own person, be a friend not a mother thay can sail there own boat just have some fun, go out for a drink or dinner, loosen up