possible not to love your child??

Question

i adopted a daughter at two years of age, she is now 14. I've been trying for 12 years to love her, but I can't. I mean i care about her and have always looked after her and treated her well, but i just can't seem to love her no matter how hard i try! She is an open, kind (not to me especially, but i notice how caring she is with her friends) girl, who, although she has given us problems with her being permiscous and such, is a fairly good girl. I just feel that she's ungrateful that we ever adopted her; maybe this is preventing me from loving her. Is something terribly wrong with me?? Have any mothers ever felt the same? (Please don't answer if you're going to write things like "You're a terrible mum" - thanks.

Answer 1

It sounds to me like you never really bonded with your little girl ..this is something that would take place when you first brought her home. As far as her being ungrateful to you for adopting her. She doesn't owe you any thing...she didn't ask to come and live with you...You chose her and she doesn't have to be grateful too you for it. That may be part of your problems. I have four kids none of them asked to be here either. I don't feel they need to be grateful to me for raising them. All kids go through a tough time in their teenage years. Don't forget your daughter is probably dealing with alot of insecurities because she was adopted too. It sounds like everyone needs to go to counseling. There is nothing wrong with you for your feelings being the way that they are. Maybe your expectations of motherhood just weren't what you expected...But it's never too late , go and talk to someone about your feelings and work on rebuilding your relationship with your daughter open up the lines of communication between you and remember you were a teenager too at one time. My best to you!!
momf4.

Answer 2

I think the love of an adopted child begins with whole-hearted embracing the process. If you were not entirely excited about an adoption, that may have been problem number one. Just like any mom (adopted child or not) there may not be an instant bond with the baby but it should develop over a relatively short amount of time, (12 years is off the charts though as I'm sure you're well aware). You may treat her right, but you obviously know the difference between that and love --- here's the kicker --- SO DOES SHE. Children need love and if you cannot provide it, they find it elsewhere and that isn't good. A lot of promiscuous girls rebel against their parents or particularly an absent father, just to feel a sense of love. She's also 14 and the whole teenage angst thing is going to be an issue so be prepared.

Lastly, this dynamic between you and your daughter ISN'T her fault---not even a little, so don't blame her or accuse her of being "ungrateful" (parenting is a thankless job sometimes!) Don't give up on your child -- she may even feel that she's been given up twice already in her short life. I believe it's never too late to try and do what's right. You'll need professional help on this one so seeking counselling is a must -- just you at first, maybe she'll get introduced later.

You have it in you.

Answer 3

If you have to ask the question, then there is some genuine concern for her. I think because you have a part of you that regrets that you could not carry her and form that physical bond. You are a great person for taking in a child that was abandoned by her own parents and yet you blame yourself for not being able to love her. Think about how she must feel. Why did her parents leave her? Perhaps she has some anger issues about the fact that she was adopted and has no one else to vent on but you. You have done a good job in taking her into your home and if that is all you have to offer then so be it. You have kept her alive and healthy for 12 years. What more do you expect from yourself?
Take your time and do your best. There are biological mothers out there that are going through what you are so you are not alone.

Answer 4

It could be that you have too high of a preconceived notion on how loving your kids would be. You may want to discuss this by yourself with a counselor. I say by yourself because there may be no need to stir things up by letting the girl know that "you don't love her".

When you say "promiscuous" I am not sure what you mean. Is she acting differently than you did at age 14? That may be just because she is a different person living in a different era.

If she really is promiscuous, it may be her way to find affection that she feels she is lacking from others (at home).

I did not notice if you have other kids as well. It is normal to love each child that you have differently as no two kids are exactly the same.

Just remember that if she is a caring person with others, you can take some credit for her turning out that way.

Answer 5

Maybe you do love her. Sometimes when you feel the same way about someone for so long you become immuned to it. Just like when you love someone when you are a lil kid and you grow up with them, you feel like you have been married and never knew it. One day maybe ya'll should sit down and talk about it and you will realize that you do love her. Now i am only 13 but i have a pretty good feeling you do love her. And coming from someone her age i am sure she doesnt regret you adopting her. Espeicially because she gets a family and a home, not a home she has to share with 100 other girls.

an honest Texan
Megan

Answer 6

I agree with the first answerer that maybe there is a problem in your childhood that you never got over. Children can only give what they receive. Its VERY important that you give them love in the best way that you know how, so that they can be functional members of society, and so they know how to be loving parents someday too. I would seriously look into support groups, counseling, something. Try to find other adoptive parents to talk to. Try to work through your issues and find what is blocking you from loving her or what is making you feel that you dont love her. This is SO vital to her development. She is probably promiscuous and difficult because of a lack of love and understanding, and never feeling accepted from her mother. You're not a terrible mother, but you need to seek help from PROFESSIONALS, because no one here can know your exact situation and how to handle it.

Answer 7

When you adopt a child or have your own baby...you do it because you want to and because you have love to give...NOT because you want and expect them to be grateful. She is only 14! When she is an adult, and has children of her own, she will then realize what you did for her, and will be grateful...but at this age, and from age 2 on...you cannot expect them to be grateful to you as it was a choice you made. Even tho you treat her well and provide for her...she no doubt feels the distance and lack of love from you. This could be affecting your relationship with her in a negative way now and for the future

Answer 8

There is not a child in the world who feels "Grateful" that their parents had them, natural or adopted. Get over it. You do not like her promiscuity and that is legitimate at fourteen, start acting like a parent and stop it. If you adopted a child to be loved by, you went in it backwards. You only have a child to love them. It never comes with guarantees. All kids will do things you dislike its part of life. Get counseling and get real.

Answer 9

i am adopted, like your daughter, and i just want to say something - your daughter is grateful, but she doesn't know how to express it. She can't come out and say "Thank you for adopting me"; it's just not something a daughter says, because it would make her feel like a burden to you. She can sense you don't really love her, if you don't, and this hurts her more than ever and prevents her from bonding with you. My mum is so cold to me (probably cause she also has trouble loving me) and i feel it every day.

Answer 10

i be conscious of that it variety of feels impossible to not love your individual toddler - and that i be conscious of that i'm unable to even fathom that - yet i think of there are those that for despite reason (their very own undesirable early existence or maybe something genetic), that don't manage to truly love yet another individual, even their very own toddler. not understanding your challenge (why dad isn't in youngster's existence first of all) it incredibly is not undemanding to assert. Does dad have deep resentment in direction of you which could cloud his emotions for his toddler? Did dad certainly not desire young babies in the 1st place and hence not sense the reliable parental bond? Is dad an a**hollow it incredibly is merely egocentric and would not decide to handle the emotional accountability of a young person? Does he merely not be conscious of a thank you to be a dad? If accessible, possibly you may talk over with him and enable him be conscious of how your son feels, you will possibly not in basic terms like the respond you get yet a minimum of you may supply up questioning and could be better equipped to deal inclusive of your sons questions and emotions. possibly dad has no concept the consequence that he's having on his son. sturdy success to you and your son - and merely love and hug him each and all of the greater! you are the blessed and fortunate parent to have him on your existence conventional! Dad is the only that is lacking out - not your son.