Does it have difficult to raising a step child.?

Question

My husband and I have been married for 1 year, he has a 10 year old boy who loves me to death but does not respect me or any other adult for that matter. My husband was a single father who just wanted to keep his son happy but in doing that my step-son controled everything. I also brought a child into the relationship and I am not willing to compromise on how she will be raised, and that will be with structure and respect for herself and those around her. So now how do I start over with a 10 year old who has never had to deal with any kind of life responsibilities, or knowledge of right from wrong?

Answer 1

Well, his current situation wasn't created in a day, it was created over time, and first and foremost, you have to get Dad's approval and agreement, and make sure you are both on the same page. If he continues to see nothing wrong with it, that will be very difficult to overcome, especially when the child learns to run to Daddy when things aren't going his way. THEN, I would take it in small steps. Pick the top three things that you would like to change. For exampe: 1. How he talks to you/adults 2. Eating his dinner and not complaining 3. Accepting Dad or Mom's decision without arguing. (just examples off the top of my head) Then, knowing how he reacts now, think of a few ways to respectfully and lovingly train him to accomplish those three goals. After a while, you see him making progress, add to the list. Good Luck!

Answer 2

the child has learned to play things to his advantage, i know that sounds bad but its the truth. I have several 1/2 brothers and sisters so i have lots of REAL expirence with this. The monst inportant thing if for the two parents to establish that the TWO of you are the Parents in your home. What happends when he goes with his mom must mean ZERO in your home. He must not see hear or have any idea( at anytime) that you and the father disagree in anything concerning the upbring or rules in your home. I f the 2 of you do have diagreements about that, THE CHILD MUST NEVER KNOW. work it out before confrunting the child.The father must also make absolutly make sure that the child knows that what you say carries the same weight as the what the father says- when in your care. i could go on but let me leave you with a few things. If you want more just let me know.
1, Never refer to the child as anything other then your child-In a childs mind it makes a deffence.
2. both childrenn belong to the two of you-no matter what other parents are invaulved.
3.if you treet the kids deferantly in any way because of blood relation then you are going to have problems from both. if not now then later.
4. the parents MUST be a team AT ALL TIMES in front or around the kids.
5. when its time to punish- follow thru as a team when ever possible. Do not back off or let the child play parent 1 against parent 2, or baby mama/dady. DO NOT PLAY THE CHILDS GAME.
If parents are going to alow them selves to be played then why should the children respect them.
I have lived thru this on both ends, it works. there is alot more but this is a good place to start.

Answer 3

Get a good, old fashioned English Schoolroom style cane and learn how to use it. "Spare the rod and spoil the child."

I also suggest you call a "Crisis Avoidance Meeting" with your husband where you two can reach an agreement what the rules for BOTH kids will be and then present a united front in strictly enforcing the rules until the kids are both comfortable in their obedience of the rules.

It is absolutely crucial for you two to be in full agreement about the rules, to present a united front and to fairly, but firmly administer discipline in whatever fashion you can both agree on.

The cane is HIGHLY effective, so unless you have some personal problem in using corporal discipline, I suggest that. In just a few light strokes, you will have changed a rude, willfull child into a very repentant youngster who will certainly learn quickly to avoid behaviors that will surely bring them another 6 across the bare! Most everyone I know was corporally disciplined and it never hurt a thing but the butt and the pride for a short while. Both will recover fully. These namby-pamby folks who do not believe in spanking children are probably childless or visiting their kids in the State Pen today.

Good luck-you have a TOUGH row to hoe.

Answer 4

The first thing you have to do it sit down with your husband and discuss the problem and your feelings. Then you two have to create a game plan and STICK WITH IT. Set down, on paper, rules, and boundries as far as what WILL and WON'T be allowed in the home. There should also be consequences planned ahead of time, for those times when you and your husband will be challanged.

Once this is done, call a "family meeting" with both of you and your children. Explain to them what you BOTH expect from them, behavior-wise, and respect-wise, from now on. Let them know that each time that make a choice or take an action that is a negative one, there WILL be a consequence or punishment....and that they will have to take responsibility for their own actions. Never allow them to play you and your husband against each other....and they very well may try this, especially as they grow older and smarter.

You may even want to post the rules on the refrig. or on a wall where they are visable.

The two MOST important things to keep in mind is that you AND your husband have to present a strong, UNITED front...that means you both agree, each time someone disobeys...and second, that you BOTH are consistent...this means that you don't let either child get away with something one time, and then punish them for the same offense at another time. This is hard, especially when either or both of you are tired and don't have the energy to be strict...but it's important to rally your strength, when necessary and stay on a true course.

Answer 5

Well, you really need to have a long and serious discussion with your husband without the kids to start with. Decide what is important to the both of you and what you just will not compromise on with your own children. Then have a family meeting and discuss coming changes and ask for their imput. You offer choices that fit into what you want, that way they both have input and aren't just forced to go along with whatever you or he says. And spell out for them what your responsibilities are as parents so they can't pull the old "You aren't my mother!!!" Or "You aren't my father!!!" cards.

It's a hard transition, but I think you can work it out. Just don't picture it as a battle that you must win - you are married now so there will be lots of compromise too.

Answer 6

Well you sure did ask a question that ALOT of us step parents would love to have the answer too,but the truth is,there is no right answer!I am a mother & a step mother,my husband & I have a 5 year old son together & we have 3 daughters which are from one of his previous relationships.My husband&I have been together since I turned 19,so I was well aware of the fact that he had children & an ex,however at times it is more than I feel that I can bare,but I love him & I,like you,will not compromise,so I try to make the best of everything that has come at me & continues to come at me.Our 3 daughters are not at all disciplined during their visits,mainly due to the fact that my husband feels quilty for not being with them 24/7,but also because we had a terrible experience with the oldest daughter when we refused to do as she demanded,what was the experience?,well she wanted to go back home a few days into her summer visit with us & her dad simply siad no,so she decided to call 911 & say that she wanted to go home & her dad would not let her & he would not take her,so of course we had to deal with the police & all of the chaos that came with a situation such as that & she was never held accountable for her actions,by the police,by my husband or by her mother,so now it is pretty much like my husband & I are afraid to do anything to the 3 girl's or with the 3 girl's,& I can not help but feel that the 3 girl's are not getting the type of parenting that they need inorder to survive as well as thrive in the world,mainly because if their father does not parent them & their mother does not parent them,then how in the world are they getting or being parented?!The oldest girl is 15 & the other two girls are twins & they are 12,all 3 are very sweet & precious as well as priceless,but I feel as though my husband & their mother is setting them up for failure!So,please do not ever feel as though you are alone in some screwed up "step parent" world,there are ALOT of us out there that would love to have answers to all of our questions & ALOT of our questions are similiar to yours if not exactly like yours!I am glad that you posted this question,maybe this whole "step parent" question & answer thing can be something that we "step parents" can turn to for support or encouragement or advice!One more thing,I was a step child & I was not to fond of my step mother but I have never heard stories of me being completely disrespectful or of me not acknowledging her existince & I do not have such memories either,so I really am wondering who or what is behind the "hatred" that some step children display!

Answer 7

Been there. Done that.

I have two step kids and three of my own.

I did very well with one of the step kids and not as well with the other.

There is a dangerous line in your question. "I will not compromise" is a dangerous mindset and will restrict communications.

You and your husband can reslove this only if you work together. You both need a shared parenting plan where you both show common rules, philosophies, concepts about parenting and support each other 100% You need to do that first and foremost. Otherwise both kids will end up resenting both of you. Get counselling if you need it.

Good luck. The kids are worth it.

Answer 8

I have been there my stepson was 4 when we started dating, and my fiance gave his son anything to keep him happy, his son would tell him what to do. When I got pregnant with our daughter I felt the way you did i want her to be respectful and have structure. You need to get the father involved decide what the rules and consequences. if he's 10 years old he could have chores and recieve an allowance to have his own money to buy the things he wants. It is going to get hard but hang in there. Kids crave structure, just remember he will be a better person because of what your doing.

Answer 9

Since you are the step-mother, he will end up resenting you if you try to make him become responsible and diciplined. This is going to have to be your husbands responsibility to lay down the laws. He needs to respect his Father and his Father has to teach him how to respect you. It will not work if you try to be the dicplinary. My dad let my step-mother make the decisions, we all became very resentful and in facts, I felt like my dad failed us in so many situations. He became weak, and didn't stand up and take his place. You really need to have a long discussion with your husband regarding his role, and the roles that will play in the new childs life. I pray it works out for you. Goodluck!| The son will have to have a heart to heart talk with Dad, and Dad will have to take responsibility in the sons actions and also let the son know that he hasn't been doing his job like he should. So the kid doesnt' feel like its all his fault.

Note: If you and your husband become divided in this area, it is going to really be a bad set up for all children that come into this situation.

Answer 10

first there is no easy way to raise a child that comes to you mid life... you have to se t ground rules for that child and examples for it to follow. Both you and your husband need to sit down and give each child an equal amount of chores to be done and remind each child to respect themselves and the people around them... this being new for your husbands child, it is going to be relatively difficult at first to comprehend. However you both must stick to your guns and duly punish each time the child is disrespect full, and never back down, re-assure the child that he/she is very much loved must follow the rules. Reward the child for each effort it makes to comprehend and follow the rules. Remember you are the adult and the child in turn will learn from you