A cry for help from an Atheist - what should I do?

Question

True story. Both sisters are fundamentalist home-schooling christians. One of them sent her son to live with me. He stayed a month and I helped him set up an apartment in a nearby town. He was 22 at the time and already "not a christian." He became an atheist within 6 months of moving out here. This is now "my fault" and my sister refuses to talk with me. She stopped taking my phone calls two years ago.

After a conversation with our mom, I tried again last week. She basically freaked out on me and I remained calm but ended the conversation.

My question is - how do I "get over" missing my sisters? I think about them often although I realize we probably won't be friends again. And how do I minimize the impact this has on my parents.

((ACK! Asking personal questions like this bites! How do they do it?))

Asked because of this question http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AurMlphjLmiacnCficbLR1vsy6IX?qid=20070130103113AA8dJp7&show=7#profile-info-AA12394429

Answer 1

Laptop - I have the very same issue - with my mother.

Sometimes we just have to let go and allow people to make their own mistakes. It hurts me that my mother is now dying, and dying alone, from cancer... But I cannot remain truthful to myself if I succumb to her threats and demands. She refuses to take responsibility for her part in her failed marriage and instead blames me, my sisters and our "as*hole father."

Funny thing is, that as*hole of a dad has never once said anything bad about her. In fact, he even corrected me when I almost said something bad about her...

You just gotta let go and let people ruin their lives for themselves...

Hope that helps man...

Answer 2

I suspect there is a LOT more than you have said... but your sister is not acting in a Christian manner... this is a wide spread problem within the "fudamentalist" home schoolers... and not much talked about... I have seen a few cases similer... but is also happening in Christian homes who do not home school all the time... children can not be compeled to become Christian... yet too many parents think they can... and end up driving them even further from God in the process... your sister needs serious Christian Counceling... I suspect there is some doctrinal differences between your family members....YOu claim to be an atheist... I would suspect your "beliefe" has been stated voclay at times... there has to be more to this...... as to your relationship with your parents... that is between you and them... if you have not yet, I suggest a long calm talk with your parents and agreeing to keep you relationship and not letting the sister compromise it... and you letting any relationship she has with parents be between them... DO NOT put your parents in the middle of this... it is not their position to mediate...it is between you and your sister and I recomend very strongly... you, your sister, and a good, family neutral, Christian Councelor. If the councelor is any good he will not try to impose "the christian stuff" on you but will guide you sister based on biblical teaching... and mediate honestly between the two of you.... if you did nothing in directing the son in any "atheist" way...then you should work to set things right... but your sister will need the direction of "christian" councel to bring her to see her error in all of this...

Answer 3

Well, the thing is...you probably won't get over missing them. Siblings have a unique bond, and I imagine that part of you will wish they could be around you for special events, time with your parents, etc. All you can do to make yourself feel better is place the power of reconciliation with them. Write a letter, an email, or even just a voicemail, letting them know that despite your differences in belief, you love them. That you want to have a relationship with them, and that if they ever want to start behaving like a family again, your door and your heart is open. Then leave it alone; to keep after them often will just cause you more hurt. (If possible, try to keep a good relationship with your nephew; he may have been ostracized as well.)

As for you parents--this is just going to be difficult for them. For their peace of mind, let them know what's going on; tell them exactly what you said to them. Then, occasionally ask after your sister's and their family's well-being. This will let your parents know that despite the lack of communication, you do still care about your sisters.

This is a crappy situation. I'm really sorry.

Answer 4

Try to understand that your sisters are simply reacting from their own ignorance and not thinking very clearly about anything. First of all the son was old enough to make his own decisions in life, and there's no saying for sure that you and only you are the "cause" for him to become atheist. People don't become atheist because you wave a magick wand and say some magickal formula. Atheism is a thinking and reasoning process.

Secondly, for someone to cease speaking to you based on her son's decision isn't logical, nor is it very Christian-like. It was HER decision not to speak to you, and to not try to understand, therefore it's beyond your control. Same with the parents. You can't reach into someone's mind and make them see logic or reason, you can only try to explain. At some point you have to let go and if they come around then they'll come around in their own good time, but you can't beat yourself up about it.

You can think about them, send them cards and well-wishes, etc. and you're doing your part to reach out to them, if they continue to CHOOSE to not acknowledge you through their own stubborness it's not your fault. You can't minimize any "impact" that another person chooses to feel if they CHOOSE to let it continue to agitate their minds.

Bottom line: you can only do so much, the rest is their issue. The old saying about leading a horse to water... is true. Don't let your mind be disturbed by that which is beyond your control.

_()_

Answer 5

- You'll never get over missing your sisters, nor should you.

- Your nephew is an adult, therefore, responsible for his own decision (the drawback of free-will).

- Unfortunately, you being an atheist makes your sister feel like you persuaded her son to follow the same path. She feels like she entrusted her son to you & you led him down a path that will cost him his soul, thus betraying her trust.

- Give it some time, eventually your sister will come to realize everyone must take ownership of there own decisions. Also, it's easier to blame you.

- When she's not blaming you she'll start to feel as if she's a bad parent because of her sons choice.

- All you can do is keep trying to have a relationship with your sister because it's the right thing to do. Maybe all three of you will one day work on your Christianity.

Answer 6

So six months did in 21 years of her trying to brainwash the kid by not letting him see anything else? She REALLY thinks that???? OK this is rather tough.

Your parents: If they aren't taking sides, then don't try to drag them into it. They will continue to stay out and that is the best you can do.

Your sisters: I don't think there is much you can do, so you need to just try and ignore it. I know it sucks but I can't think of anything else.

Your nephew: He probably needs a friend now too, and that might be a long term way to get back in with your sister. He would also somewhat fill the void left there.

Answer 7

Wow, that's a tough one.

It depends on the person, of course. I tend to get over these things faster than others, but I also keep relationships shallow, as I know how long they can last. I imagine that if you're asking for help, then your relationship was pretty deep.

I can't say how you can get over them. In a sense, it's like getting over the death of a loved one. I'm tempted to say that getting over a death is easier. At least you can come to some resolution with a death, knowing that nothing can change. In your case, you have a constant reminder that things could possibly change. You will never have closure (until death does happen on one side or the other).

As for your parents, it is a tough balancing act. You are trying what you can. It sounds like your sisters are maintaining the schism. You can only console your parents. Let them know that you understand your sisters' feelings and respect them (even if you have to lie). Parents tend to be more agitated when the children are actively fighting. If you can keep up a façade of serenity, that may put your parents' minds at ease.

In this case, you just have to do what you can to assuage your parents.

One thing that may help is to have your nephew talk to your sister. He may be able to explain that this was his choice and not the result of some atheist brainwashing in your home. I doubt it, but it is a slim hope.

Answer 8

I'm sorry to hear about your problem. The worst part is there is nothing you can do. Your sister's anger is most likely caused by fear because she believes her son will go to hell since he no longer believes in Jesus Christ. Unfortunately fear for our children many times blinds us to anything and everything else. The only option you have is to remain open to her if she ever wants to talk, not yell but talk. Hey, as a Christian myself I would love it if you two sat down and she saved you, but as an intelligent person I know the chances of that are slim to none. But maybe someday you two can sit down and talk and she can learn to love you for who you are, not who or what she wants you to be. Good luck.

Answer 9

It's a fight you can't win so I would advise trying to ignore it.

Sooner, later, or never you sister may decide to forgive you. Whatever she decides, I would treat her nicely. If she won't talk to you, you might write her periodically. If your parents have you all over, act like you would have before this all happened. Try to avoid arguments. Put the following phrases into your own words:

"I understand that you feel that way."

"I am sorry you feel that way."

"I want you to know that you are my sister and I love you no matter what."

And whatever you do, save your rants for Yahoo Answers.

Good luck.

Answer 10

One of the great tragedies of religion is that people are willing to break up a family or end a relationship over interpretation or denial of whether there is an omnipotent being. If your sisters would sacrifice their relationship with you because one of their sons has failed to subscribe to their beliefs about a supposed afterlife, then I feel very sorry for you and I pity them.

One should never allow one's beliefs about a supposed afterlife to destroy relationships during the actual life.

Re: Apostle Jeff (below)
That is pathetic, unless you are being sarcastic.