How do I stop my 4 year old boy from hurting his friends?

Question

I've tried everything I can think of but nothing seems to work...

Answer 1

1-2-3 Magic
This is the website: http://www.parentmagic.com/
The website looks overwhelming... but if you can find the book, it's straightfoward and really simple.

It's basically a warning system with a 3 count till timeout. "That's 1" then say excatly what you want him to stop. "That's 2" (if he doesn't stop) And repeat your instructions. "That's 3, Time Out". Put him in time out immediatly.

The counting can go quick, or slow, depending on the situation.

When my son was young, he wouldn't sit in Time out. A friend suggested I make a "wall"(for lack of a better description, really sounds worse than it is...) with my legs by sitting him in the corner and standing directly over him so he couldn't move away. He didn't like it much but it only took a few times (10?) and he learned to stay there till I said he could get up.


Consistency is really the key to any discipline system. My husband calls it the Three P's: Probable (Consistency, they actually think it's probably that you will do something) Prompt (not delayed, "when your dad gets home" or waiting till friends leave) and Pertinent (applying to the situation: Toys jamming the toilet = cleaning up the floor. Hitting your friend = timeout and apologies and maybe helping to fix it with ice or bandaid)




If it's really getting bad, talk to your friends about it. Tell them you are trying to teach him not to hurt their kids.

Send friends away as soon as he hurts. If your friends know this in advance, they will know it's nothing personal. "That's it. I told you if you hit your friend again they have to go home. (or, We have to go home.)" and then leave, followed up by a time out.

Answer 2

What do you mean by "hurt"?

If he's being overly physically aggressive, then you should have your son evaluated. While it's likely nothing more than the fact that he's 4, it worth checking.

Kids of this age are exploring boundaries. He's experimenting to see what will happen. If he consistently gets negative responses, he'll eventually back off.

However, if he's hurting other kids, then "eventually" is too long.

First, he needs to have clear and consistent consequences, directly linked to the event. Taking away a treat several hours later will do nothing. However, if he's consistently disciplined (see below for how) immediately after the event, there will be impact.

Under no circumstance should you use any form of violence to deal with this (or anything else for him). Spanking, yanking him, or other physical activities will only reinforce that problems DO get solved by being physical.

Likewise, screaming will only reinforce that verbal assault is a proper way to act and solve problems.

One approach that I've taken with my own child, at 4, was to make his life about "choices." By making him feel empowered to make choices, he began (slowly!) to take pride in making good ones and shame in making bad ones. Again, this takes time.

In the end, if he's prone to violent behavior, you need to protect the other children. While isolating your child (unless he has a bona fide mental illness) is counter-productive, it is important that he be supervised when with other children. If you (or a teacher or a nanny or whoever) sees him start with inappropriate behavior, he should be removed and asked why he's making the choice to be a bad friend. At first, he'll say "I don't know." As time goes on, hopefully, he'll start to say "I don't want to be a bad friend."

Hope this helps some.

Answer 3

Is it during playdates or at school? If another child is at your home, you will have to a) monitor the playing better in order to head off any aggression and b) end the date the second your son starts to act up, even calling the other mom to come get her child. Just tell the other mom "Jimmy is not being a very good host today, I'm sorry but Sammy will have to come home." You will have to be strong and enforce no-tolerance. If it's at school you'll have to have multiple checks w/his teachers to get it under control. Read "1-2-3 Magic" for good info on discipline. Good luck!

Answer 4

Boys by there very design are an aggressive sort some more than others. Think of ways that he can express his aggressive tendencies in a positive way. The is a primal need for the male of our species that has been sequestered by our growingly feminist society. Also explain the importance of self control and that none of his friends will want to play with him if he continues to hurt them.

Answer 5

just sit him down and explain the difference between good play and rough play. some kids are more aggressive than others. you need to stress that he can't hurt people and show him how to play with others the right way. maybe a little discpline would work. after you explain this to him and he keeps doing it then come up with some type of behavior plan of him to keep him from acting this way. eventually he will understand that he shouldn't do this and hopefully stop. if you correct this problem now you will have less trouble with him down the road. hope this helps. good luck.

Answer 6

I do childcare and ussually when kids start hurting eachother it's because they are getting tired of eachother. If there together for a long time try seperating the friends for a while. If it is at playdates at your house try having the play dates elsewhere. You child may just be protecting his toys. Also, try having your child put up some of his favorite things before the playdate arrives. This away he doesn't have to share the problem starter.

Answer 7

Have you tried to show him what it felt like? That might sound mean, but it works. My son used to do that and no matter what I said or did, he kept doing it. One day he was at the playground and hit another child a little bigger than him and that child hit him back. My son didn't like it and felt the pain of being hit. He no longer does that anymore. Sometimes it takes someone to understand what the other person is feeling before they understand what they are doing. Good luck.

Answer 8

Maybe he is not getting the attetion he feels he needs. not that he isnt given it.
im sure he will grow out of this , sorry i am a mom of three and a half and i dont know all the answers. Talking to my children have always helped just tell him it hurts you when he is mean to his friends.

Answer 9

Sometimes younger children find physical play fun, but don't realize that they are hurting their friends. When he does this, really look him in the eye and say DON'T DO THAT. Don't yell, but say it in a strong firm voice. If you keep on doing this, he will probably stop.

Answer 10

Apply hand to *** with great force, repeat as necessary.