why cant i cry?

Question

My mum died last monday from lung cancer she was 82 and i was with her till her last breath but now i have the job of sorting out the funeral the wake and doing all the notification my day is 92 and cant do it and id gladlly do everything i can to help him but my sister keeps phoning in tears saying she cant cope with it even though she only saw mum and dad 1 or 2 a year due to locations and i dont feel any malace to her my children 20 -9 are upset and i feel im carrying their grief to which as a mother i should but i just dont seem to be able to cry is this normal i just seem to busy all the time and those tablet that the doctor gave me to help me sleep arent working any sugestions please....

i am the yougest of 7 children by my mum and dad and have 5 chilren of my own

Answer 1

I'm so sorry for your loss. Please don't think there's anything wrong with you, we all deal with bereavement in different ways. My Dad died 10 years ago, and just like you, I was the one who had to do all the necessary things. After it was all over, I had to travel back to my own life and family in another part of the country. My Mum and my sisters all grieved at the time but I was so busy playing the role of a 'rock' for everyone that I never had a moment to deal with the emotional side of it myself. It was nearly two years before my grief came out sometimes in the most unlikely places and when I least expected it. I know it sounds like a cliche, but over time, you will come to terms with it and life will begin to normalise for you. I hope that all the supportive answers you are getting here help you cope with this and to realise that you are very normal and not alone. My heart (and I'm certain, everyone else's here) goes out to you and wish you light and happiness for the future.

Answer 2

I'm so sorry about the loss of your mum!

Don't worry about not crying for the moment. This is normal for many people. You are at a time now where you are very busy and holding it together for your family. Your brain switches off the tears to enable you to get things done.l

You may find that you never cry or perhaps you will cry at the funeral or some time after.

There is no set pattern for grief. A lot has been written about all the stages of grief, despair, anger, numbness etc. but it's now realised that these stages do not come in any particular order and can hit you at any time, go away, then come back again.

Try to get through all the practicalities of the funeral then take some time with your family and talk about your mum.

Don't worry if tears do not come, as long as you allow yourself to think about her death and not TRY to block it out, your grief will come in it's own way.

Best wishes.

Answer 3

Everyone grieves in her own way -- difficulty in sleeping is certainly a sign of grief, which looks a whole lot like depression (except there's a reason to feel that way and an end in sight, since grief doesn't go on forever). Being kept busy with funeral arrangements can be such a blessing as you reel from the shock of the loss -- because however much the loss is expected, it's still a shock to realize that they are finally gone and you won't see them again -- at least in this life. Sounds like you were very close to her and cared for her, and that's what counts -- not whether your immediate reaction to her death is crying. As to your family members, they need to find someone else's shoulder to cry on, someone who isn't also trying to cope with the loss (because even if you're not crying, you're feeling the loss just as greatly).

Answer 4

Everyone grieves in her own way -- difficulty in sleeping is certainly a sign of grief, which looks a whole lot like depression (except there's a reason to feel that way and an end in sight, since grief doesn't go on forever). Being kept busy with funeral arrangements can be such a blessing as you reel from the shock of the loss -- because however much the loss is expected, it's still a shock to realize that they are finally gone and you won't see them again -- at least in this life. Sounds like you were very close to her and cared for her, and that's what counts -- not whether your immediate reaction to her death is crying. As to your family members, they need to find someone else's shoulder to cry on, someone who isn't also trying to cope with the loss (because even if you're not crying, you're feeling the loss just as greatly).

Also, I don't know what you're taking, but antidepressants and tranquilizers flatten moods and make crying difficult. Why not quit taking the tablets and absorb the loss naturally -- even if it means sleeping too much or too little. I personally think drugs are inappropriately used for people who are grieving. Feeling the pain is necessary to grieving, I think.

Answer 5

You have got too much going on in your head at the moment, deep down you probably feel that if you stop, you just won't be able to get going again.

You are trying to keep your whole family together and being the tower of strength for everyone (I am sorry to say) won't last long after the funeral...that is the time you will "ALLOW" yourself to grieve.

No tablets will help you get the sleep you need, you need to relax to be able to sleep and at the minute there is no way you can relax with so many things to sort out.

You are the baby of the family, try to pass some responsibility onto some of your siblings, you need to all come together at a time like this.

I am so very sorry for your loss but you need to realise, this isn't something you should be taking on all by yourself.

Answer 6

Hi, I also lost my mum to cancer 8 months ago, she was only 60.Everyone's grief is different. I too have not cried as much as I thought. I suppose that i cried enough watching her suffer when she was in so much pain. I have two brothers, but I was the closest to my mum as she felt more comfortable with a female when the time came to wash her etc etc. I was always with her at home and then when the time came to go to hospital I was there 24-7 as she did not want me to go. My husband had to bring me food and clothes so that I could shower there but up to this day everything I did to help my mum was worth it. I know that my husband and kids also needed me but I knew that I have all the time in the world to be with them now.Apart from being my mum she was my best friend and we were always together. I have been with depression as soon after she passed I had to have a hysterectomy too. I too have 4 children, I am 38 years old and keep very busy but my mother is always in my mind. I dream with her a lot, its like the dreams are real, many people say that the dreams will start going away but I pray they do not as seeing my mum in my dreams makes me smile every morning when I wake up.I hope everything works out for you and if you ever need to talk do not hesitate to email me. Good Luck and God Bless

Answer 7

It just means you are an incredibly strong person, you are keeping strong for the sake of everyone around you. When there is a death there are no guidelines and for some people it can be a totally new experience there fore everyone acts in completely different ways, if you havent cried yet it is only because of your strong character not because you are cold or anything like that, maybe you will find it will happen once everything has stopped or it may not happen at all. But just because you are not crying or feel as distraught as anyone else doesnt mean you are not greiving, its just a different way of dealing with it.

Answer 8

Sweetie, people grieve at different times al the time. I believe right now you're just numb from her death and that is alright. One of my friends passed away Oct. 2006 , and I didn't think it was right that I didn't grieve " right away". I was told that because I was still in shock ( and still am to a point) that it was okay not to cry, but when I am able to cry, to just let it flow. I hope this helps you as far as your grieving process goes. You will probably have feelings of anger and denial as well before you get to the last, acceptence. And not everyone goes through all of them either. Tell your sister that she should probably talk to a grief counclor or her clergy person, since you have to prepare things. Hope this helps and may you and your family find comfort in the Lord during this difficult time. God Bless.

Answer 9

Wow, a big age difference. But your not crying because: your in a state of reserve or auto-pilot and your brain is telling you there is a job at hand to do. The pills are a placebo and because your mind is racing around trying to handle everything your not thinking of escaping the tasks so the pills seem not to have any effect. Your carrying the load of all your siblings and Father too. Once everything has bee taken care of and you have time to really sit and take it all in you will feel better, the tears will come and you'll grieve for the loss of your loved one.

Answer 10

i imagine you will cry in time....when my sister died i was in shock for a long while and it took some time before i could face what had happened...
i think everything will feel like you are in a dream...just do the best you can and tell others when you need help...maybe someone from a local church could come by and help you or a pastor....
i found that there was nothing i could do to ease the pain......death is my least favorite part of this life but then i know that i wouldnt want to live forever since these bodies do seem to break down and living like that would not be pleasant...
i will say a prayer for you for comfort.....