i've got a 10 month old son, we live with my mother in law as my fiancee and i are saving 4 a house. she contantly disaplines my son when i dont think is nessacary, and ive just found out im pregnant again and she doesnt want us to have anymore babies for 5 years. im so frusturated but dont want to say anything to her because i dont want tension between us.
2007-01-29 18:22:02 · 11 answers · asked by blue butterfly 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
the tension is already there... you are holding it all inside of you.... I have had two controlling mother-in-laws... and until you decide to put your foot down.. it does not change... you have to be firm... you can try and be as nice as you want.. but you do have to be firm...
I started my first "sitdown" out by asking my mother in law if she had a good relationship with her mother inlaw... she ranted, vented and even slammed her teacup down a few times when very upset... she felt walked on, not good enough... controlled... I listened quietly... and then asked her when she calmed down if she knew she was doing the same to me that she felt was done to her.....it opened the door to us being able to talk to each other and to build a relationship of some sort.... and to respect eah other.... I told her that I how I felt about her disciplining my children and asked her input in a resolution... one we could both be comfortable with...
my second mother in law it was a little different... I was older and more secure in myself as a parent..so I just asked her to refrain from certain things... like criticizing... I did this when I had her alone, but.... that one I did not handle so well, from what I found out... I left her with a bitter taste in her mouth and feeling as though I did not value her.... which was not the goal...
so I think, as long as you can? try and do it with getting a feel for if she ever felt her mother in law was controlling? if she had a good relationship with her mother in law... let her know that you want to have a good one with her...
you can not keep it bottled though.. it is no good for you or your baby..... and whether she likes it or not? she is going to have another grandchild.. before five years from now! nip it before it gets too much more....
I really hope that I have helped... good luck!
2007-01-29 20:14:07 · answer #1 · answered by elusive_001 5 · 3⤊ 0⤋
since when was it up to your mother in law whether or not you decide to have more children? What the hell has it got to do with her? you say you don't want tension between you but there already is if you feel the way you do and it will only get worse unless you say something. If you don't want to confront her directly then have a word with your partner. Your son is only 10 months old - what could he possibly be doing for her to discipline him all the time? There are better ways to teach your baby than constantly disciplining him like games etc. It sounds like the sooner you move out the better for everyone because she sounds like a nightmare!
2007-01-29 22:54:19 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
The thing is, if you don't say anything at all to her, there's still tension; it's just an unspoken, festering sort of tension, rather than the kind you can deal with and resolve.
With regard to your pregnancy: firstly, congratulations; secondly, even if it is her house In don't see why she gets to dictate to you how and when you add to your family.
Is there any way you can sort of creatively turn around your frustrations in order to present them in a different way? So, for example, on the issue of disciplining your son, perhaps talk to her about how you're concerned that the two of you have very different approaches to the issue, and you're worried that when you and your fiance do move out he'll be confused by the sudden jump from her discipline to yours, so perhaps you could agree a joint strategy to stick to... or something like that? I think it's important you make her see that it's not that you don't want to discipline him AT ALL, just that you have different priorities. (I'm thinking here of the way my housemate always does the vacuuming about a day before I would, if left to my own devices. It's not that I wouldn't ever vacuum, but I think that's the impression she gets!) Maybe you could encourage her to explain her philosophy of childrearing to you, and her reasons for acting as she does? Because I'm sure there are reasons - that she's concerned for his future ability to behave properly, or that with extra people living in the house she gets frustrated, or whatever.
It just seems to me that if you say nothing at all, you aren't actually avoiding the tension; you're just not mentioning the elephant in the corner of the room. I think what you need to do is talk about it, but in as friendly and balanced a way as possible. Maybe acknowledge how difficult it must be for her to have you all living with her, and how grateful you are, and point out that by talking these things through and building some common ground you can actually make it easier for everyone.
And get your fiance to help!
Best wishes.
2007-01-29 18:42:17 · answer #3 · answered by Marzipan 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You need to have a long talk with your husband. Since it is his mother, it should ultimately be his responsibility to put your mother in law in her place. I think if the two of you present a united front against your mother in law overstepping her boundaries then hopefully she will back off. She needs to hear it from her son though in addition to you.
She has no right to tell you when you are "allowed" to have children. That is between you and your husband. She needs to find something better to do than to meddle in your lives.
Chances are if she is an overbearing type of person you will continue to have trouble with her voicing her opinions and stepping in where it is not necessary.
Good luck...
2007-01-29 22:09:10 · answer #4 · answered by Cute But Evil 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Explain to your mother-in-law that you understand and appreciate her help in disciplining the baby, but tell her you really feel it is confusing to the baby and would prefer that the discipline comes directly from you or your husband. Tell her that if she sees something the baby does that she feels he needs to be disciplined for, you would appreciate it if she would speak up to you about it and maybe even advise you how to handle it. But explain that if you choose not to take her advice and you handle it differently that she should not be offended. At the same time tell her how hard you know it must be to have all of you living with her and how much you appreciate her help. Remind her in a kind way that she needs to relax and enjoy her grandchild and let his parents take care of discipline. Tell her you love her for all she does and you hope she understands why you felt you had to have this talk with her.
2007-01-29 19:54:19 · answer #5 · answered by truthseeker221 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, i think you have to involve your fiancee into this, ask him if he wants another child or not and if he does want another child tell him that you both will tell this news to your mother in law to gather. as for controlling thing, don't leave your child in front of your mother in law, be with him all the time and if you are feeding him or playing with him take him out of her sight so that she would not complain or order but be polite that way she won't be seeing what the kid is doing secondly you will be with he kid all the time so you will have fun too. Do not face or confront your mother in law because that can be disastrous, as she might turn against you. just lay low and out of sight.
2007-01-29 18:40:32 · answer #6 · answered by Saint N 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋
It is good that you are restraining your self from getting into an argument with your mother in law.
For the time being, let her go her way, after all it is her grand child. She also gave good advice about waiting 5 years ( maybe too long) for another child
You and your man are saving and staying in her place so let her get her way for the moment. She will appreciate it.
Until you get your own place, just be patient.
Good Luck
2007-01-29 19:31:36 · answer #7 · answered by sonisunny 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I was in the same boat as you are in now! Girl you had better start talking to the in law and the hubby NOW. My mom in law still tries to control my son who will be 16 next month. If is refuse to let him do, go or say something she allows it and says i am to strict on him. He is our only child and her only g-child. So far she has tought him to be an addict on gambling, its okay to curses mom, its fine to drink at home, and no matter what mom says g-ma said better. if only i would had spoke up sooner it wouldnt had got so far out of hand!
2007-01-29 19:08:14 · answer #8 · answered by Martha 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
well while you are living under her roof it is going to continue to be a struggle... if you cant save for a house and support yourself at the same time, then you are gonna be even more strapped in the coming years with this additional child. she may not be able to control how many babies you make, but she CAN control how long she decides to help you out, so remember to be grateful and use this time as motivation to get out of there faster!
2007-01-29 18:55:58 · answer #9 · answered by jessiblu_83 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
You need to tell her you are in a relationship with her son, and not her. I had to tell my mum I was married to my wife and she comes first. Speak privately to your fiancee, and ask him to gently speak to mum and get it straight. You are there to save money not wreck your relationship. If you have to you might have to move out into a flat. Get married, your children need that stability.
2007-01-29 19:15:56 · answer #10 · answered by Ignatious 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋