do ex wives with kids feel better talking to father or step mother?

Question

I am asking because i believe you want to be able to talk to their father. Too many step moms try to take control away from father over concerns for their step children.
I am sure there are exceptions, but I am talking to moms who are involved with their children.
Do you feel less threatened by step moms who are willing to let you work out problems with children with their father?

zinntwin- did you ever think that things might be different with him and her ?
You and him were not a good match. Things that his ex complain about do apply to him and me.

Thank you Zinntwin, you are a smart woman

Answer 1

You hit a touchy subject there. I am a stepmom as well as a step kid. I remember what it was like for me, as well as seeing what it is like to be the parent. I dont know what the ex "girlfriend" prefers. I was not a second either-I was first and finished first. She was just an in between. I have to say that the bm did not really step up to the plate till we end up fighting in court (every year) My hubby would try to work things out with her, but got tired of being walked on. So he really doesnt want to deal with her on simple things. ex: pick up/drop off time/day. Dr. appointments and so on. The bm and I do most of that. The bm and dad do discuss sports/activites/vacation and stuff like that.
Personaly, I feel that if there are step parents in the picture who are hands on, then all parents-blood or not need to sit at the table with coffee and discuss what needs to be. I may be a step mom, but I spend more time with the child then either parent. I also feel that if I am responsible to feed, dress, bathe, care for when sick etc, then I should be included also. I am not a babysitter- I love and care for this child, treat him like he is mine, take him to and from school, to the doctor, do homework, etc.

Answer 2

Well I am a step-parent my husband works retail hours and can not be at his sons home at 6 to get him every Friday so I do it. If a step parent is involved it means they love the child as well. Whats wrong with that? My husband and his ex do not get along and it was that way long before I came along. So for that purpose they chose not to communicate the child's mother would rather speak to me then my husband because I do not have any anger toward her as they have toward each other. So if a step parent can make things easier what is the problem? I always hear how step parents try to take over and that's not the case we just want to love the child, be there for it and get respect at the same time. I think whichever situation is best for the child is the one that should prevail wheather it involves both parents communicating or a parent and step parent what difference does it make as long as the issues are resolved civilly. Children of divorce do not need anymore drama. That is just my opinion. :)

Answer 3

Personally I would want to be civil with both. But, when it came down to crucial issues I would want to talk with the father to make decisions about our child. I don't feel threatened by my ex's girlfriend. The way I see it is she ended up with my seconds and I feel sorry for the way she is probably being treated...she really is nice and he isn't and even though I shouldn't care, I do feel bad that she is probably getting mistreated.

I think it is important to have some sort of a relationship with a step parent. They are a part of your child's life.

ADDED:
Could be different with them. But I seriously doubt that a wife beater, cheater is going to change that much. I found out that I wasn't the only one he was abusive with...two ex girlfriends spoke with me during our divorce. So, in my case I doubt it. But good point.

Answer 4

Kids need both parents and need to know that both parents will be available at all times. Step mothers sometimes do try and take over the child and this is not good nor is it fair to the child. This issue worries me about my own grandsons. I want the step parents to be good to the boys but to also step back and let the parents be the parents that they both should be.

Answer 5

THEY ARE, AND ALWAYS WILL BE, THE ANCILLARY PARENT. THEY HAVE NO LEGAL RIGHT TO THE CHILD (UNLESS LEGALLY OBTAINED THROUGH ADOPTION). AND, IN SOME CASES, I DON'T BELIEVE THAT THE STEP-PARENT SHOULD BE INVOLVED IN ANY DECISIONS, ESPECIALLY INVOLVING MANIPULATION AND UNDERMINING. IT IS ALSO COMMENDABLE THAT SOME STEP-PARENTS TAKE THE PLACE OF AN OTHERWISE ABSENT OR INEFFECTIVE PARENT. AS LONG AS THERE IS NO FOUL PLAY OR ABUSE, AND THE KIDS GET ALONG WITH THIS STEP-PARENT, I DON'T SEE THE REASON TO LEAVE THEM OUT IN THE COLD. AFTER ALL, THEY ARE TAKING CARE OF YOUR CHILD PART OF THE TIME.