My husband basically wants his crazy mom to raise our first baby?

Question

My husband thinks his mom knows everything about raising babies. She keeps telling me about crazy things she does to babies like shaving their heads bald so that hair will grow in thick, putting chicken grease in their noses when they are sick, and all sorts of nutty things. Both of us work full time and we cannot really afford expensive childcare. His mom just lost her job and wants us to pay her for watching our baby. My husband couldn't be happier but I am a bit nervous. She keeps calling my baby hers. Throughout my pregnancy she continues to tell me I have had a bad attitude, I don't take care of myself right, and other off the wall things. I don't know how much more I can take it.

Answer 1

She will be your child's mother. Infants cannot tolerate more than 10 hours separation a week from mommy without emotional, physical, intellectual, and social harm. Research on this matter has been consistently showing this for 50 years. There's no doubt - tho lots of media hype trying to hide the truth. A few years ago, NICHD found that the damage to infant happened even if daddy, grandma, or a great nanny provided the substitute care.

That's because babies evolved with the need to bond to one caregiver (we used to call this a mother) who will hold the child nearly continually, nurse on demand, and talk and listen with sensitive reciprocity.

However this woman raises your child, your child will be aching at the loss of you day after day, absorbing the message that she is helpless to get what she needs (you), you don't want her to have you, and that you and the world are unreliable. That's the psych component. Physically, her brain floods with cortisol when she is apart from you, unavoidable. This suppresses learning, causes anxiety and depression and leaves the child very vulnerable to stress as an adult.

On top of all that damage, she will nonetheless come to bond to the person she spends most waking time with - your mil - and then miss her when she has to go to you.

It's a bad scene even with a healthy mother in law.

Isn't it long past time for you to put your foot down in healthy ways to stand up for yourself and your values?

Answer 2

Eck, I feel for you. My mother-in-law isn't nutty, exactly, but she's a lazy, inattentive slob. Her house is always *filthy*, not just dirty, or messy, but Filthy. She's always sitting on the couch watching tv, or ordering pizza instead of cooking dinner (only to complain that there's no money when the bills are due). When someone does happen to sweep or something, they don't go back and pick up the mess with a dustpan sometimes! They'll just let the dirt pile get spread back out again.

Her youngest two children are still at home, and they're forever dropping hunks of food on the flood and leaving it, or knocking over drinks and not wiping it up.

She babysits several days a week for my neice, who is about 14 months old now. When she was younger, she let her roll off the couch twice in one day because she was too busy playing a card game on the computer to notice what the baby was doing. Now, she lets her eat off the floor and since she started eating solids (at 3 months old), they've been feeding her all sorts of crazy things like oreos and marshmallows. I saw them give her a sip of Coke a time or two, as well.

And last week she said to me "I'm off during the week now, so I could take him a day or two" about my son, who's almost a year. I wanted to say "You've got to be kidding!"

I'm sorry I don't have any really good advice, except maybe see if she could rotate with another sitter, and force her to agree to not give any 'home remedies' unless she calls you first. And the second she cuts a hair on your baby's head, take him out of there.

Have you looked into church-run daycares? I haven't, but they may be cheaper that others. There are also people licensed for childcare out of their own home, and I beleive their rates are usually lower than the standard daycare rate.

I'm sure you've looked at all your options here already, but have you thought about switching to a part-time job or being a stay-at-home-mom? In our case, it would have cost us more for me to go back to work full time and pay for gas and daycare, than it would for me to only work weekends and some nights. Sounds crazy, but it's true.

I worked it out and a full 1/2 of each paycheck went straight to pay gas for the next week, and the other half didn't cover the weeks daycare bill. So some of my boyfriends check had to cover the rest of that, plus pay everything else.

Now I don't pay childcare at all. I work on the weekends when he's home, and almost all the money I make goes for extras, like that baby outfit I just had to buy, or movie tickets.

Anyway, you're not alone in this situation, and I hope it works out for the best. Good luck, and Congratulations on your baby!

Answer 3

Don't do it!!! If you have to pay someone then make sure it's someone you are comfortable having your child around so much. If she is saying negative things to you now, she may very well raise the child to have a negative attitude about you and the way you do things too. This is YOUR child, not hers. She had her chance. Now it's your time. Put the kibosh on this idea pronto!!! And be very firm about it! Tell your husband you want the baby in daycare in order to learn how to socialize with other kids. It's a valid reason and won't make him or his Mother as defensive as you telling them you think she's a nutbar.

Answer 4

Sounds like there are some issues with roles and boundaries. Not only with your mother-in-law, but maybe between your husband and his mother. Being that it's you and your husband's baby, you two should be the ones deciding how to raise your child, not your mother-in-law. It hard to tell by your brief description, but it sounds like your husband may still be a bit of a "mama's boy". I would express your concerns to your husband and if the situation warrants it, you should both sit down with your mother-in-law and let her know what you are comfortable with and what you are not. I assume you want her to play an active role as a grandmother, so don't be afraid to reiterate that to her, so she doesn't feel like she is being pushed out all together. This situation sounds fairly delicate and I would treat it as such.

Answer 5

If you are having second thoughts about your mother-in-law baby-sitting your baby, and it sounds like you are you will have to take a stand and learn to be firm with this women. Write down some rules and regulations that she must follow if she wants to baby-sit your child..Emphasis that this child is yours and your husband's and she must under no circumstances take liberties in administering anything that has not been approved by you first. She will not discipline or do anything to the child like shave its head, pierce their ears, or anything else without your full approval. She will not feed food that has not been approved by you or minister medications that you do not know. I would have it also in writing, and make several copies of it, then have her sign both copies, yours and hers. If she does not want to sign the copies tell her you will not pay her for her services and you cannot hire her, then tell your husband his mother failed to sign a binding contract you gave her. He must support you. If his mother is as nutty as you say, I would try to find a Day-care in my area...But be strong, do not let her intimidate you, mother-in-laws can do that.. when she says things that are not true, like you not taking care of yourself tell her she is wrong.. be tactful and not rude, but with backbone and courage.. After a few times of you standing up for yourself she will stop her put-downs .. trust me. If you respect yourself others will learn to respect you too.. Good Luck

Answer 6

Don't go for it. While I am not a parent, my mother raised me all by herself and I think that she did a fine job. My mother's second child, my sister, was primarily raised by my grandmother since my mother had to work. Now my sister is attached to my grandmother way more that she is to my mother. Its like the chick hatching out of its egg and believing that the first thing it sees is its mother. My sister even admitted that she loved grandma more than mom. Also, this way, the grandmother feels that she bears most of the responsibility and that all decisions made regarding the child should be approved by her. In conclusion, I think that parenting is something that must be learned along the way. The more you do it, the more you learn and know.

Answer 7

Wow - how was your relationship with her before the baby? Do you trust her with her heart and soul - cause that is what matters. And hey, your hubby obviously turned out ok - right - so maybe you should think about that. If she is bringing you down in any way or making you feel like not a very good mom then you most definitely need to pray about it and find a way to tell your hubby and go from there. I hope and pray he supports you. Good luck.

Answer 8

There's no reason for your mother in law to keep the baby unless you both agree to it. There are always other solutions. My husband and I started out with nothing but i still stayed at home with our baby and he worked. We found it cheaper not to pay anyone to watch him. Of course he worked very hard to make more money and provide us with a better life. Personally i wouldn't trust anyone who called my baby theirs! You better speak up now before you crack and say something you may regret later. The worse thing to do is hold back.

Answer 9

Well first off alot of the old people remedies seem to work. but the fact that he isnt consulting your feelings about this i see your point. Also i wouldnt pay my mom to watch my kids. In my family you do for other because you can not to expect pay or other things. Thats wat family is for. Tell the woman to back off and tell your husband its you and his baby not him and his mothers baby. Things go down easier with honey. WINK!

Answer 10

its your child, so why don't you look after it. ask yourself what is more important - working full time or looking after your child? so much happens in the first few years of a baby's life, things you are going to miss. her ideas sound crazy and i personally would not leave her alone with my child. if there is no other option, then daycare it is.