My mother blames me for my father yelling at her. Am I the problem?

Question

My parents have been at each other for as long as I can remember. My father verbally abuses my mother, although he no longer does so physically. My mother used to fight back, but now, she has taken to blaming me. I've always thought my father a victim of abuse by my grandfather and my mother a victim of my father.

I always tried to be a "good kid" to now worry my parents: no dating, no drugs, no partying, no sex, etc. But one thing that has been difficult for me is to not talk back. I just find it so unfair that I always have to keep my mouth shut. It doesn't matter that I hold my tongue most of the time. It just takes one time that I rebel for my parents to make me feel like the worst kid in the world. And the fact is, I'm no longer a kid. I'm an adult. My father always says I have an attitude problem and that I'm not "mature" or "wise".

Am I being rebellious? Do I need to seek help about my attitude? What can I do to make things better?

Answer 1

You are not the problem. The problem was there long before you came along. Try hard not to give in and talk back. Rise above that junk and be the better person.
Best of luck.

Answer 2

I say don't let your parents say their problems are because of you! Second your an adult and there is nothing wrong with telling your parents how you feel.

By the sound of things you've done every thing to be a "good kid" but nothing will make them happy unless they are blame you. I should know I've got a mom like that. Finally, I just walked out of her life and I much happy for it.

Answer 3

I think you need help in dealing with your folks. Talk to a family member, a relative, a teacher, councilor, anyone that knows your parents and can support you against them. You have two against one here, even if they are your parents. Get some support from someone that knows you well and can be a good witness on your behalf and can tell your parents the truth on what a good person you are. If things do not work and you are still being accused for the reason your dad abuses your mother, then leave them be to their own suffering, and go and get yourself your own place to live. Ask a family member or someone you know and trust to let you rent even a room from them, till you get on your feet. Who knows if your mom and dad see that you are taking a mature stand for yourself they might think differently on how they treat you.. Remember to gain respect you have to want respect, do not yell or talk back, just work in a mature way to gain it. And pray for them, they need help. Good Luck

Answer 4

It seems your mother and father have their own issues and want to take it out on you. You are grown so tell them how you feel. Make it clear that if you weren't mature or wise you wouldn't have taken so many steps to prevent the normal teenage rebel. Tell your mother that she needs to get out of that verbal relationship because it isn't your fault your father has issues from his past he chooses to bring into the future. You have the right to open your mouth and speak back but don't be rude. Say what you fell calmly and ask your parents to listen because your points are valid and sensible.

Answer 5

You may want to seek help so you will have some one to bounce things off of while you process everything that is going on in your life.

Your parents have a lot of issues and they do to you what they do to each other. They are very caught up in their own dysfunctional lives together. They have brought you up in that dysfunction and you have been subjected to what ever they dish out with out being able to voice your opinions, needs or feelings.

It is not wrong to start to voice your displeasure (especially if you are an adult) with how they react to each other and you. If you don't start speaking up you will not be able to help them, teach them a better way to be if that is at all possible. At the least they would perhaps hear you eventually and start to be a bit better around you at least.

Answer 6

If you have an attitude it's for a good reason. It's not your fault your father yells at your mother. She just needs someone to blame other than herself for taking it. She can't stand up for herself so she verbally abuses you to make herself feel like she still has an upper hand to someone. By your father saying things like that to you is childish. He is abusing you as well.You aren't a bad kid you just have bad parents who have filled their lives with abuse that you do not need. You need to stand up for yourself and don't ever let it turn to physical abuse and if it does you leave,tell someone and get help. Normal,loving parents do not verbally or physically abuse their children or let their children keep living in a household where that happens. Nothing is your fault,they have mental problems and please let this be a lesson for you when you have your own kids. Love them,don't abuse them.

Answer 7

Your father is the problem. He shouldn't be yelling at either you or your mother.

You sound like a good, responsible young lady (I especially like the Hermione Granger reference of "books and cleverness.)

BUT, and I hate to be the one who has to tell you this - you wouldn't be the first young woman to wake up one morning and realize that she was smarter than her parents. You also wouldn't be the first young woman to realize that her parents had very dysfunctional and negative patterns of emotionally abusive behavior in their relationship.

Your father obviously thinks that a "mature, wise" woman is a stoic doormat who takes whatever BS a man ladles out onto her. He probably had a father just like him, didn't he? He probably greatly admires his stoic doormat of a mother, who put up and shut up about whatever your grandfather did to her because she and her kids were financially dependent on him, doesn't he?

The key is, sweetheart, identify these patterns NOW, and resolve to never enter into a relationship like that. I know it can be extremely difficult not to repeat the same negative patterns your parents indoctrinate into you, but you do NOT have to make the same mistakes your parents did. It'll be hard, but you can decide not to allow your life to be like theirs.

Don't worry. Soon you'll be out of their house, off to college, and on your own. Once you're independent, there's absolutely nothing stopping you from entering into a loving, supportive, egalitarian love relationship with a man who would NEVER raise his voice to you unless it was to tell you that the house was on fire.

Answer 8

You are not to blame, do not feel responsible for your parents issues. It was never your fault and you should never blame your self. Your mother is hurting and so is your father and the only way they know how to express their feelings is through abuse. What ever you do don't believe it, because you will suffer your whole life if you do. you know whats right obviously because asked the question you just want some one to validate it. your parents are crazy no disrespect. its up to you to break the cycle of emotional and physical abuse. trust me no matter how hard you try to be perfect it wont change the way they or your mother feels because its not your issue its hers and your dads, you didn't ask to be brought in this world, that was their decision. whats most important is for you to do what make you happy. sometimes the people who are closest to us can be to most damaging to our lives. I know it hurts but you have to let them go emotionally and live for you and your future family. you know whats rite listen to your gut it doesn't lie. Much love and keep your head up.

Answer 9

no wonder this new generation is so messed up. I am sorry for you, the sooner you get a job and independance the better. Move out. Get student digs or a rental share and move out leaving their stupid pettiness behind you. Don't give up being a 'good kid' - your not doing it for them, do it for you. You look like an absolute angel!? Keep your self respect and try to do well - it does pay off in the long term and good luck

Answer 10

No honey, your reaction is absolutely normal. You shouldnt hold your tounge because then you'd drive yourslef to rebellious tendencies and it might get worst as time progresses. I was sheltered by my mother and I felt like she didnt understand a thing about me, not even my personality. This drove me to rebell because I held everything inside me. And even if you do rebell, its not the end of the world, hey, everyone needs a bit of fun right?