Career or Family?

Question

My bf who is 29 is having quite a dilema. He loves to fly & has always dreamed of being a pilot. The easiest & cheapest way to become a commercial pilot is by joining the air force & he has just be accepted. First he must finish his university degree (he only had a college degree & air force REQUIRES more) which will be 3 yrs. Then he must train with the air force for 2 yrs to become a commercial pilot (this will be in other cities so we will be having a long distance relationship).

This is hard to deal with but I am prepared to stand by his side - BUT he would LATER like to have children. Right now I am 30 so he would like to start having children when I'm 35+. I've already have 2 children from a previous relationship so it doesn't really bother me if I DON'T have more kids. I also have medical problems which may affect my fertility (surgeries for precancerous cells in cervix & damaged tube due to ectopic pregnancy.....(continued)

Our problem - If we get married of course - if I do not agree to having children when he's ready to start he does not see a future for us. I am willing to wait for him but not sure if I want to have children at that age. I'd rather do it now than later.

We are looking at breaking up over this at this time. Any help is appreciated.

Answer 1

Try to talk about this together as much as you can but do not allow yourselves to get emotional over it. Here are a couple of things to consider:

Most guys have been programmed since childhood to go for the career, just like most girls have been brought up to go for the family. It is very important to a guy to know that his woman will stand by him, and I think it's HUGE that you're willing to do this. Most guys also want to have a kid of their own, to carry out their legacy. It might sound stupid and egotistical (and it probably is), but most of us feel pretty strong on the issue.

Now, here's the kicker. From what you've described, he's positioned this situation as to where he either gets everything (career and his own kids when he wants them), or you guys break up. Where's the compromise? Where's trying to make both of you happy? If he isn't willing to be flexible for you, just like you're willing to stand by his side for his career, then there's a problem with one of you not being committed enough.

You need to both agree that while you'll do your best to give each other everything they want, you'll be willing to compromise to make things work.

For you that compromise would probably be that if the two of you do decide to go with his plan, that you'd be willing to try to have kids at a later age (after all, is it really THAT much of a difference if you have them now vs. 5 years later?).

For him, it may be realizing that he can't have both, so he needs to pick what's more important right now, career or his own kids? Because, what if you do try for kids later but because of your medical condition, or his own issues, you are physically unable to have kids together? If having his own kids is SUPER important to him, then he shouldn't take those chances and have them now, or he may realize that it's not his chromosomes that make someone their child, but all the time and love that they invest in a child. So if he truly raises your kids like his own, then it will really be no different. Still he might not see it that way, so it's important for him to figure out this kids thing now.

So talk things out, be willing to compromise, but watch out for the red flags if he wants it all his way and doesn't want to compromise. Because, does this mean that you might end up waiting for him for 5 years to get his career going and then try for kids, not be able to have them, and get dumped over that? You two better get this thing worked out before you commit more time to this relationship.

Talk with each other a lot, try to think together rather than argue, plan for each possible outcome and decide together what's the best course of action.

Take care.

Answer 2

I commend you both on having a clear vision for your futures. It's important to do the work to know yourself and what's important to you as an individual - and to be true to that.

Here's what I see - a 2 year long distance relationship might work out, but the reuniting will be very difficult after that. People change and their idea of the love they can't be with tends to be more idealized, making it hard for the actual mortals to live up to those expectations. Add to that the fact that there will be trials and tribulations during those 2 years and you are both likely to develop other relationships that you can not forsee at this time.

My advice: do yourselves a favor and love like crazy until he goes and then end it. Be the wonderful perfect people for each other that the world conspired against and move on with a solid "I love you" at the end of a relationship that gives you the confidence to be choosy in the future. There are times when through no fault of anyone, the relationship just won't work. It looks like you have reached such a point in life. I am sorry, but I am happy for you that you get to have a relationship end this way. Most people have every one end in "I hate you".

Listen to Chicago's song "stronger every day" (http://www.chicagotheband.com/discography06a.htm#Feelin ), cry your eyes out and move on. Remember that the new is always greater than the old and as wonderful as this man seems, there is a better one waiting for you - some one even more suited to you, your goals and your timetable. There is no reason why only 1 of you should be happy.

Peace!

Answer 3

Wow- you have a lot to think about. Family ALWAYS comes first...always!! If he loves you i cant even imagine him not wanting to be with you if you dont want anymore kids. But then again- if he knows what he wants... you cant change that. I just cant see leaving the love of my life for that. You could always adopt if you couldnt have more kids. You have to do what you feel is right- or you will just hold a grudge. It will be a difficult journey with him being a pilot (im a flight attendant)- i know its difficult. You have to be SOOO trusting- and he HAS to do his part to reassure you everyday(call you often on his layovers- when he goes to sleep... just peace of mind for you so your mind doesnt wander ... i know its a big issue with couples in this industry).If you truly love this guy, and he loves you... do you even have a choice? You have to stay together if you have love thats strong. Whatever you do though... dont thave children if you dont want to... Good luck

Answer 4

Only he can answer this for you. Will you be willing to get married, get pregnant, then move with him. Plus move your own children? Talk to him. Tell him your concerns. Maybe if he really wants children he will wait till he is able to take the hardest and more expensive route in becoming a pilot. Only he can tell you where this is going to go, and you are the only one who says what happens to your own body. Good Luck.

Answer 5

Wow,thats hard.Him going to the air force.But anyways does he know about your reproducing problem?Also having children isn't just a regular question.You should really think it over.

Answer 6

It appears to me as if your botfriend is selfish and only thinking of his future and not yours. His concern should be being with you and not what you can do for him. In spite of your female problems, women giving birth over the age of 35 are at a much greater risk. It sounds like your boyfriend has little regard for this and his decision to stay with you would be conditional.
Don't give him so much power to dictate the course of YOUR life. If he is only thinking of "I" and not "we," then you need to think about "you."

Answer 7

I understand you love him but if he wants to brake up because you dont want to have eny children from him then he dosint understand you and i guess one inportant thing in a relationship is understandment is always good to work thing out but maybe he should think more about you then him.

Answer 8

Looks to me like this relationship is circling the drain. Play it out if you like. His being away will give you more time with your kids anyway, so that's a good thing.

Answer 9

Well it sounds like he really wants kids and you dont want them or dont think you will be able to have them...therefore you need to split, that is too big of an issue to deal with...

Answer 10

It sounds to me like you 2 are totally not that close to getting married so you wouldn't even sweat this. I hope, however if you do decide to get married that you'll take it a lot more seriously than you are now.