What should i tell my child?

Question

My father was in my life until i was 14. then he was in and out of my life until i was 19 when he disappeared completely. i havent seen him since (im 23). the last words he said to me were "i dont owe you anything im done raising you".
should i tell my child he's dead? i would never consider letting him back in my life. (not that he would try). i am still close to my father's mother and sisters but i only see them like once a yr.

also my boyfriend's father is a deadbeat but his father still calls him. he doesnt want to tell him he has a child, he wants to tell our child he is dead. i told him thats ridiculous. at least his father calls him. and he does pop up a few times a decade. it wont be possible.

i just dont know what to say if she were to ask where my daddy was.

i have absolutely no intentions of bringing it up. i just want suggestions if she ASKS ME.

Answer 1

Personally, and of course, this is an opinion, I would not tell your child that your father is dead. I would tell your child that his/her grandfather is just not around as often as other kid's grandparents. Do not bad mouth your dad in front of your child as it will only probably cause unneeded anxiety and bad feelings in your child. (of course vent all you want in private with friends, your man, or family.) What we say in front and to our children takes more of an impact than we know...

Put it this way, my mother was a herion addict and a crack/cocaine user who eventually died from a drug overdose when I was 19 and in college. I hadn't spoken to my mother in 5 years before she passed away. Now I have a child myself, and I would never say anything bad about my mother in front of my child. When she is older (probably early teens) I will gently explain the situation as far as the true facts, but that's about it. I will also say that some people have too many problems of their own and they cannot handle child rearing and that is why it is so important that we take care of our own children like our parents didn't take care of us. It's all about breaking the cycle in these cases. Not letting it go on for another generation of hurt any longer.

Stay strong girl, for you and your child, I know it's been a tough hard ride...and your dad's last words to you were very hurtful. My mom's last words to me were "have a nice life," and I have done just that :)

Remember, the best revenge is surviving well.

Answer 2

The wonderful things about kids are the fact that they don't necessarily need a long explaination and that they have finely tuned BS detectors. Lying isn't the best way to go here. Relax until the chils starts to ask questions on his or her own. When that happens, be honest and simple. You can explain it a variety of ways. I would go with something like " My father wasn't a very good father to me and I have chosen to not have him in my life." If the child wants to know why, keep it simple. Explain your reasons in a clear and easily understood manner, you don't have to go into details.
I agree that telling the child your father(s) is dead is ridiculous. Your credibility is at risk here. Imagine how betrayed he/she will feel later, when the truth comes out...and the truth has a way of coming out in the end.

Answer 3

The thing I told my adopted son about the biological mother was that "sometimes when ladies have babies they are not able to take care of them right either because they're sick or because they just don't know how".

If your child asks where your father is I think you should tell her, "I don't know where he is. I've never been close to him. He was someone who had problems, and he knew he couldn't be a good father; so he just stayed away." Tell her there are times when people were not raised to know how to be good fathers, and there are times when people have so many problems they are not able to be good fathers; and while it isn't great, it can be ok enough to live without being close to one's father.

Don't lie and say he's dead. ("Oh what a tangled web we weave......." and you don't want your child to ever discover there's a tangled web that she needs to untangle.)

Finally, you may even want to tell her (when she's the right age), "You know, I think the fact that Daddy and I both grew up not being close to our fathers was one of the things we discovered we had in common."

Answer 4

Why would you tell your child your father is dead? Is it the truth? IF your child asks you simply say that your father never was a part of your life and leave it at that. If your child doesn't ask don't say anything.

Answer 5

When the child does ask, tell him the truth. You don't know where he is because he left and you don't know why.
The same goes for you bf... He might tell the child he does not see his father often, because sometimes adults do not keep in touch...
Do not burden the child with complicated lies or excuses, sooner or later the truth will pop out, and the kid won't understand why you had to lie.

Answer 6

I think telling someone that some else is dead is wrong. You just can not erase someone away by saying that they are dead.
I know you say now that you wouldn't consider letting him back in your life but NEVER say NEVER. People do stupid things and yes, people change.
Telling such a horrible lie could come back to bite you and then that would just make you look bad.
I would just tell her that you do not know where your Dad is and that would be the truth.

Answer 7

Don't bring it up until she asks. Then just be honest with her when you feel she is old enough to understand. But don't do the bashing thing it makes you both look worse than the dead beats. Some men to not know how to be a father and that's their parents fault for not teaching them. Don't punish your child like it appears you were punished. Good things come to those whom do right and good things for your child too. The last thing you want for your child is to be denied like evidently you were. i say tell his dad and leave it up to him what he does with the info. Good luck sweetie!!!

Answer 8

I say tell her the truth, that he left. You'd be surprised how much a child will understand if you explain it to them in a way that they would understand.

If she young try saying something a long the lines of: You don't know where your daddy is. He left a long time ago.

I know my Friend use that with her child when it came to her X, who walked out on her. Her daughter was fine with that, as she still young.

Answer 9

I would tell my child the truth, I would never tell them that he were dead because you would have a lot of explaining to do if he did happen to show up! I have the same issue but it is with my mother.

Answer 10

when they are old enough to understand tell the truth and reassure them u will never leave them more than likely they will ask a question 2 or 3 times then forget about the subject




btw ur dad is a jerk