My husband thinks I don't do anything at home?

Question

I have two children ages 10 months to 27 months. I have been really busy with my daughter, because we have to go to physical therapy every week for a problem she has, I'm trying to potty train my son, I always have two dogs also, and one is 8 months old and not potty trained. In the winter the dog stays in at night in our laundry room. Every time I wake up, there is four or five craps in the room and pee everywhere! We just resuced this dog. I can't potty train it. My routine is waking up around 7:30 am and cleaning from that point on. My son makes small spills and I am constantly cleaning up, my son tries to help, but makes the mess worse. It's okay as long as he is helping. My husband changes 3 times a day and throws the clothes everywhere. He is always mad that he doesn't have clothes. I can't maintain a life with my kids and clean constantly like he wants. What should I do? He is like a hurricane when he comes home, he goes to work and I have to clean his mess over and over again.

My husband comes home and "trashes" the place. I have to constantly clean. He says it's what the wife should do since he goes to work. No wife should have to constantly pick up after her husband and know which clothes that he threw on the floor are dirty or clean. It's horrible. He always calls me worthless and lazy, I know he doesn't mean it, and he is upset, but gosh, what can I do?

Answer 1

My husband is the same way. But, there are a few things you can do about it.

First of all, no matter what you do, he will never understand that your job is more difficult than his. You job doesn't have a beginning and an end!! It's 24-hours a day! He doesn't see what you do all day, he just knows what he does all day, and when he comes home, he is tired and cranky. So, here are some tips that I have learned that have made my husband happy

1. Keep a positive attitude!!! Even if you are faking it, be happy the second he walks in the door. If he's had a bad day, or even a good day, coming home to a pissed off wife will make it worse!!!! If you're happy, he'll be glad to be home and there will be less fighting. You are a refuge for him, so act like it! It may be hard, but acting happy will make you happy - it really works!

2. FOOD. If you have food ready for him, even if it's delivered pizza because you had no time to cook all day, it will help. There is somehting about men and hunger - it makes everything else so much worse when they are hungry.

-Now, those first two should make your problems so much better!!!! But, if you wanna go the extra mile, here are some more tips.

3. Sex. Once in a while, make it a point to do it. Even if you don't really feel like it, he always does, especially if you initiate. Everything else in the house will be forgotten. :)

4. Make a schedule of cleaning - I do one load of laundry a day. That's it. If I have more time, I do more, but most of the time, one is all I can fit in. Make sure he knows that. Also, set up a laundry basket that has 3 or so divisions - jeans, whites, colors, towels - whatever your basket can handle. Make him put things into the hamper or they don't get washed. And, for added protection, you can keep a change of his clothes hidden away for emergencies. My husband used to come to me at 9pm and tell me he was out of underwear.... hum, so I have to stay up for 3 hours to have your clothers ready for tomorrow?? Well, not if I have some boxers stashed in the back of the closet. :) After a long talk, my husband now knows to tell me when he has 3 pairs of boxers or socks left in his drawer (he changes about 3x's a day, too). Just be glad he's not in the military - try washing and ironing a uniform the night before drill. :) One night I even had to sew patches on his uniform, I was up until 2am!!!

4. Making him feel bad will not help. You guys are in this thing together. You both have jobs to do and they are both VERY important. You have to be the bigger person here. Like Dr. Phil says, "This marriage needs a hero." Be the hero, be the bigger person. Trying to tell him how rough you have it will not help. It's not a contest. He feels bad that he's missing out on time with the kids and he feels like the burden of the world is on his shoulders because he has to make all the money. You feel like the world is on you because you are raising two children - the most important job in the world - while trying to keep a clean house and make sure the bills are mailed out. You both are stressed and busy and arguing just makes it worse. Don't try to make him understand how rough you have it, because he'll just get defensive and try to make you understand how rough he has it. It's a no-win situation.

5. Get a night out together. It sounds like common sense, but most people don't take the time to get away. Even if you can't afford to go out, getting someone to watch the kids so you can watch a couple hours of tv and cuddle is worth it!!! You got together for a reason. You guys love each other! Don't forget to take some time together to remember that!

6. Know which battles are worth fighting. Everything does not have to be an argument. Some things - like what to watch on tv - are not important. My husband absolutely HATES American Idol, but I love it. I usually give in and just let him change the channel. Is it really worth a fight - and all the other problems that will come up - over something that means nothing in the big picture???


These are just a few things you can do. Having a positive attitude is the most important, even if you aren't feeling very positive. Once you get into a groove, everything else will fall into place! :)