Does anyone here suffer from a feeling of not existing?

Question

I am a 40 year old gay male. For the last 12 years, I've noticed a growing sense of not being able to feel myself in the here and now. It started in the mid 90's when I experienced a traumatic relationship breakup which left me severely depressed for 2 to 3 years and which at the same time snuffed out my creative interests. I managed to get over the worst of the pain, but what is left is a vacuous feeling in which I can't seem to connect properly with people and the physical world around me. This feeling was convenient for a long time as it blocked out much of the original pain but unfortunately, it has also blocked out many other feelings. I feel like I'm spaced out or in a very numb dream like state. In fact, I've had lucid dreams which feel more real than being awake. About a year ago, I began to identify this feeling and at the same time, my creative interests started to resurface. Right now, I feel a strong urge to be part of the world around me, but I don't know where to start.

After the relationship broke up, I abandoned my creative abilities and all the friends I had. I tried to start afresh but to this day whenever I meet new people, I'm unable to establish long term friendships.

I visited my doctor who put me on seroxat which induced panic attacks and paranoia. I came off the pills after several weeks focusing on therapy with some success. I managed to get on with life albeit in a robotic way. I took up the gym and developed a successful but mind-numbing career.

12 months ago, I rekindled my desire to illustrate exercising a creative part of my brain which had been left fallow for over a decade. This has given me a sense of purpose again.

I still feel trapped in a trance like state and one of the rare times I snap out of it is when I experience lucid dreaming during sleep. I'm fully conscious for a few moments within the dream which I can even control. It's as if the full consciousness that I lack during the day is given back to me at night.

Answer 1

Yes. That's where I am most of the time.

But if what you're wondering is how to feel like a part of the world, I can't help you. We all have separate journies.

I do know the first step, though: Reach out. Just decide- reach out, and follow your heart from there.

Answer 2

It sounds like you're starting to surface from the depression, and are starting to realise that things are passing you by. There's no point to living without emotions - yes, pain is unpleasant, but in the long run, one needs it, otherwise there would be no pleasure either. I don't have any advice really, but I do wish you all the best. It takes a very strong person to come through depression and make it out the other side. Your self awareness seems a good sign to me - if you can recognise the feelings, then you can do something about them.

Wait, I do have some practical advice, now I think about it. I joined a dance class when I was recovering from depression - one of those ones where you can go on your own and be a total beginner with lots of other total beginners. It was (is) great fun, was a nice, easy way to meet people and have social contact without too much pressure. Maybe you could try something like that?

Good luck!

Answer 3

Yeah, I feel like this too. I think you are probably suffering from some form of mild depression

Here are some points I think help
1) Make sure you are eating properly. Take some vitamin supplements
2) Get plenty of sleep
3) Exercise. It really does give you more energy.
3) See a doctor. It may be something as simple as anaemia or maybe you need some help with depression.
4) Decide to change your behaviour now, get out and do stuff, go to a dancing class, learn a language, call some old friends you haven't spoken to in a while. If you slip back then decide again.

**** luck. Remember you only get one chance in this life, don't waste it.

Answer 4

I always worry about answering questions like this one but here goes anyway. I have the impression that you may be profoundly depressed. You have insight into why you feel this way and sometimes we all need a little professional help. I would advise a trip to your GP initially to ensure there is no psychical cause, then some bereavement counselling to work through the loss you have had. There is a light at the end of this tunnel you just cannot see it yet but you will. Go see your GP, get counselling, make some minor life changes, you will see the light. Good luck.

Answer 5

You have built up a "wall" in order to defend yourself from more pain. You describe losing your creative interests and losing contact with the world.
In your post you recognise that and are aware of your lucid dreams. You say you feel numb and that now you want to be part of life again.
What were your creative interests? Is there any way you can rejoin the world around you through that creativity?
Take small steps and deep breaths. I sincerely wish you happiness.

Answer 6

what's with the flame answers here? B'jeesus, some people are irritating... anyway...

...you're describing the way I feel on Prozac. You're not taking that, are you? If so, you might need to sloooooowly reduce the dose. After the initial step-down-off-the-bridge phase, Prozac needs fine tuning.

Or if you're not on any chemicals, it must be coming from inside. So the frustration you feel about how your feel is probably a sign that you're on the way back to yourself.

You know when you've been really sick with a bad flu or something, so you need days in bed, and then gradually you get this growing sense of restlessness and frustration? That's the sign you're getting better.

I know a guy who trains triathletes. He says that before an event he slows their training right down. This means that when the big day comes, their bodies are rebelling against being cooped up inside and are desperate to burst out and do something. Same idea I guess.

I just started amateur singing lessons. Maybe do that? Or something?

Answer 7

You can start in lots of ways. Joining a church is nice, because you can chat with people afterwards. Volunteering is also good because you can socialize while being busy on a task. Taking an adult class for a hobby puts you with people, and once again, you have a topic to talk about. This could apply to your creative interests. Group dancing lessons are a good idea, because you have to physically touch people, but in a respectful way. You can also go to your town's chamber and help out with community events like clean-up days or something.

Answer 8

You sound to me as if you are suffering from what shamans term "soul loss".
Look up Michael Harner's Book The Way of the Shaman, to find out more.
It isn't mumbo-jumbo but a very deep look at what happens to the soul when we are hurt badly; we shear off parts of ourselves to keep them safe from harm.It is also a part of some modern psychotherapy, though couched in slightly different terms. The feeling of being disconnected and spaced out is very common in cases of soul loss. Good luck.

Answer 9

for you to be part of the world you need to become involved in it. go out more. i don't know if you have any friends or family or any interest. if you have friends or even family try and see them a bit more often. if you don't, thats ok well not really but you can make new friends through joining group activities with people who share similar interests as you. you could join a gym and take classes, or go for long walks as they help to clear your head. generally become more involved and try living. if you find this reall hard talk to an expert ( a shrink) and you should be able to get some help. good luck

Answer 10

What were your creative strengths? Maybe you should use this feeling to your advantage, im a songwriter and often find im most creative when lost in my own mind and feelings, i do feel in a dream like state most of the time, and i think im like this as its a comfort barrier to reality and fear, nobody can see into your soul, and thats where your strength sometimes exists, you should listen to it. Just dont stay there forever as you need to find an equilibrium, you can connect with people, and dont feel unworthy of doing so.xx