how do i "fit in" to my husbands "all ready made family" when his ex wife keeps pushing me out

Question

my new husband jo is a very devoted/supporting dad/exhusband.jo promised hi ex they would raise thier only child tom together after the divorce.because of this jo maintains daily contact(phone,email ect)with his ex regarding everthing from sports/school activities to what tom ate for lunch.its not unlike her to call jo for 20 mins to tell him what she and tom did for the day.i understand jo does not what to miss out on anything with his son but tom is 7yrs old and old enougth to tell his dad what he did.i feel like hes still married to her just not living with her.this would not bother me much if his ex was not so bitter to me and except me.she had made it very clear i will never be part of her "family unit"and wants me to have nothing to do with toms life as i'm not really family.since jo's life revolves around his son it is hard for me not to be involved.jo will not back me on any of this as he says its her right as a mom to decide what i can an can't do regarding tom and if he stands up for me it will only make it worse for tom.

Answer 1

I'm with Colleen. You cannot marry a person and expect them to change for you. Jo's first obligation is to his son as I'm sure it was before you were married. He sounds like a wonderful father who is able to provide his son with love and security regardless of being divorced from the boy's mother. I think it's wonderful that the parents are able to communicate and co-parent so well. Jo and his ex wife can see that Tom is what's important, not the adults and their issues. If you can't deal with this, maybe you need to decide if Jo is really the man for you.

Answer 2

Your husband is not going to change. He made this deal with his ex-wife before you came along, and he is going to stick with it, for the sake of his son. He's made that clear to you. Now you have to decide if you can live with this decision, without making Jo or Tom's life miserable. I can't imagine any of this is news to you. You were probably hoping things would change, after you got married. Well, they didn't. If you decide to stay married to Jo, you will have to get used to life on the side lines. Use the time that Jo is spending at Tom's events to get a manicure, have lunch with a friend, do your Christmas shopping, etc. Jo seems like an admirable man, for staying so involved in his son's life.

Answer 3

It sounds like your husband is a great father. His ex is not being too reasonable about this. They are both devoted to their sons life and that's great. It is her right as a mother to decide what her son can do(until he is of legal age) but she has NO RIGHT to tell her ex what he can do. I hope your husband will realize that she is just trying to control him.Because that is exactly what she is doing.I hope that his ex will stop being a selfish person and actually let you and your husband(Not Hers) have a life. Once you get divorced there is no "together "anymore. They should of thought about that before they made any promises.You are a part of the family too, I just hope your husband realizes this.Good luck!

Answer 4

Looks to me like Jo is more devoted to his ex wife and their family unit then he is to you. Yes they should both play an active role in their son's life but they can do that seperately. There is no need for her to call him everyday. If its something important, I would understand that but it sounds to be like the ex wife is trying to keep the leash on her ex and obviously he lets her.

Your husband needs to tell her that you ARE a part of the family unit because he married you. She needs to back off and be the EX wife, not the current one.

Answer 5

Time to befriend the ex. Tell her you feel left out, and want to be part of their lives. She is a big part of their lives - she is his mom - so instead of getting stuck in the middle, take the higher ground. Invite her out for coffee just the two of you. Tell your husband honestly why you are doing it, don't be bitter or mean about it. If you could become friends, or even just friendly, it would be so much easier on Tom wouldn't it?

Answer 6

First of all your husband is right. His ex is the mother of the child and she DOES have the right to detrmine who is going to be active participants in that child's life. On the other hand your husband should inform his exwife that YOU are now his wife and that YOU share in his life. You also need to accept the fact that your husband came with "baggage" from the very beginning. I doubt very much that when the two of you were dating everything was sunshine and lollipops and everyone loved everyone and his ex wife accepted you with open arms. Yet you still CHOSE to marry this man the way things were. Why? Were you expecting him to change? Were you expecting her to change? That isn't what marriage is about, it is not about one person changing to suit the needs of the other. If the relationship wasn't suting your needs in the beginning you should have never gotten married. I'm sure somewhere in your vows there is that phrase "for better,for worse". If you took those vows then you really have no complaints...either learn to tolerate the situation as it is or leave.

Answer 7

I feel for you! You are really in a tough situation. I think it's great your husband is a very devoted/ supporting dad, but he can be devoted & supporting to his son without having to talk to his ex-wife on a daily basis. His son is old enough to talk to his dad on the phone letting him know how his day went and all. Why does she need to be the one talking to him all the time? Your husband needs to realize that it's great for him & his ex-wife to remain friends (it will truelly be easier for their son) but talking to her every day and you being pushed to the side is only going to hurt your marriage. She may think you aren't apart of the "family unit" but your husband has made you a part of the "family unit" when he married you. He needs to realize that and include you in Tom's life. In the long run do they want Tom to think you
(his step-mom) isn't important? Step mom's are also important. Children need their step parents love & attention too. Step parents do alot for the kids..like wash clothes, cook their food, help with homework, play with them and so on. Tom needs to learn that everyone in his life is important and children do learn from their parents. Rather it's by the parents actions or words. What if she was remarried would her new husband not be in the "family unit"? Maybe trying to talk to her about hers & your feeling about this might help. She needs to know that you want to have a good relationship with her son but that you know she is his mother and you will never or could ever take her place as being his mother. The final decisions about Tom's life will need to be mostly his parents choices but that doesn't mean you shouldn't be included in Tom's life too. I truelly think you & your husband should seek professional help from a councler. The councler could help you both understand all sides & help your husband learn to fit you into the "family unit" like you should be. It sounds like his ex-wife needs to learn how to lose her bitter feelings towards you. Maybe you could tell her you feel like she has bitter feelings towards you and your sorry if there is a reason for it, but if so could she please let you know why? Try talking to her in a friendly & calm manner. It really may help. Good Luck! I wish you ALL the best!

Answer 8

Looks to me like you need to go for family counselling...Jo is making you feel like an outcast and he should be making you feel involved. Why are they divorced?? Maybe they both deserve each other. I'd be telling him that he batter make you part of the family life or its game over.

Answer 9

While Jo is talking to his ex you could be heating things up with the pool boy.

Answer 10

When people are interested in what is best for their children they often want to have times with the children that makes the children feel as if all is the same as it used to be and to reinforce in the children's minds that sense that their parents and they do remain a "family unit". I don't think the ex-wife is out of line.

Obviously, I can't guess what else is or isn't on her mind, but I think there is a chance that her stance on this "family unit" thing is not because she has bitterness toward you but because she just wants her children to experience a sense of stability and permanence in the face of a divorce.

There is also a very good chance your husband would never, ever, ever, want to be married to her again; but he may feel he is doing the right thing by asserting his rights/responsibilities/involvement as a parent by working as a team-member with the person who shares those rights/responsibilities and the involvement.

I suspect if there were no children involved he would have no involvement with the ex-wife, and I think one thing anyone who marries someone with children needs to understand is that their role as a parent is a primary, if not THE primary, role they have.

The little seven-year-old will be out of his primary school years in not that many years, and when he is the involvement of his parents in his day-to-day life will dwindle to the same extent it does with all older kids.

It sounds to me as if your husband respects the children's mother's understanding of what it takes to keep the children feeling that a divorce may mean a separated family but it doesn't have to mean a "broken" one; because it is when children feel their family is "broken" that divorce damages them the most.

I think you need to do the very difficult thing second wives of men with children must do, and that it is to remain secure in your knowledge that your husband married you and chose to not to be married to her but that precisely because he is the decent, reasonable, good father you married you must live with.

Having said all that, though, I would hope that you and husband could ALSO have some time with his son as well because although it is good for the child to see his parents remain a "unit" when it comes to parenting and his own family, it is also good for him to know his step-parent and come to see her as a nice friend. Its also good for him to see his father in a nice relationship because seeing that would give him a good example of how things in a nice relationship can be. This time doesn't have to be whole, big, extended, lengths of time. It might just be dinner together on Wednesday evenings or something like that. It could be time together on one day of a weekend.

Also, if you could come around to not seeing the ex-wife as being "bitter" (while I know there's a chance your opinion of what she is may be accurate, the fact is most divorced wives - like divorced husbands - REALLY would not want to be involved with that ex-spouse ever again and just wouldn't care if he found someone else), there's the chance the isn't the least bit bitter. That's often a stereotype of ex-wives, but most ex-wives are really glad to be rid of the guy in question) maybe you could talk to your husband about something like no calls during dinner or after a certain time of night except in emergencies or else having a couple of nights a week when his involvement with the other family is limited to phone calls during the day but not after dinner if possible.

Maybe if you could agree on some minor concessions on his part when it comes to certain times when he will not be on the phone to them it could help.

Finally, the one time ex-spouses may be bitter is when the former spouse became involved with his/her present spouse BEFORE the divorce took place. When that is the case it is reasonable for the second wife to understand that this is what goes on when a person gets involved with someone who is not yet divorced.

As far as "fitting in" goes, I don't think you should aim to fit in with all of them. I think you should aim to build something completely new and special and nice between you, your husband and his child. Think of something that is positive and that his mother may not do, such as bring him to a certain type of museum or bring him to a baseball game or even just bring him out to eat somewhere he usually doesn't go, and do that type of thing as a family. I think when second spouses have been widowed the new spouse gets "a ready-made family". I think, though, when there is a living ex-spouse and parent of the child/children in the picture he second spouse doesn't get a ready-made family he/she gets a spouse who has other responsibilities. There's a difference in the two situations.

If you and your husband find nice things to do (nothing that any normal mother would disapprove of or that could possibly be seen as something she doesn't want her child doing) with his son you will build something that is in addition to the child's original family unit rather than something that has altered it beyond repair. Chances are, by the time the child graduates high school you will have had built a solid relationship with him and will be welcomed at his high school graduation, college graduation and weddings. The difference is that right now he is little, still in his formative years, still in need of stability, and not 18 years old or older. Another difference is that no matter how long his parents have been divorced, it can't have been all that long just because he's only seven at this point. It will take time.

I think a lot of second spouses imagine how they will get a "ready-made family", and I think many of those second spouses do not have children of their own and do not understand the commitment the good parent will have to doing what it takes to insure what is best for the child and what best will make that child feel that his family remains as strong and permanent as ever, even if his parents are no longer married.

Second spouses, though, should be glad that their spouse shows such devotion to his child/children because if the new couple ever has a child that husband will be just as good a father to the child he shares with his second spouse. Second spouses may enter the marriage with a picture of how things can be only to find out that's not how things are going to be, and maybe they feel their good intentions (of accepting someone else's child) are neither recognized nor appreciated. It is, perhaps, far more difficult for a second spouse of a person with a child or children to remain secure about their relationship with their spouse; and I guess that is just one of the challenges.

I think you don't need to worry about phone calls (and certainly not e.mails), and I think if you allow yourself to there's a chance you will be the one to create issues in your own marriage.

I don't think the ex-wife and mother of his child is pushing you out. I think she's protecting that family unit in spite of who doesn't like it - and there is a difference between those two things.

I've offered some thoughts here in case it offers some perspective you haven't considered. I have no idea if I'm correct that she isn't really bitter or if I'm correct in assuming you may have nothing to worry about, but I just thought I'd offer a perspective that may give you some fuel for conversation with you husband. (I'm also not saying I'm sure that my opinions over someone else's are right. Its just that I thought offering this perspective could be a little useful.)

I've always said if I were faced with my children's having any step-parents (because of either their father or me) I would hope that the person and the nice relationship their parent shared with that person would be a nice "extra" in their lives (icing on the cake, but not the cake, itself, because if you try to add ingredients to a cake that's all baked you'll only ruin it). I think too many step-parents don't know how to define their role in a way that will make them that absolutely wonderful and special icing on the cake.