I've been with my boyfriend for 14 + years now and two kids later and have lived with him the majority of that time ( we move into together within 3 months of meeting. No matter how beg, plead, throw fits, or just let it ride he refuses to even get engaged. All I want is him to ask am I being crzy for wanting to be at least thrown a bone. I don't want to die never being married he said three years that was 11 years ago!!!!!!!!!
2007-01-29 08:05:48 · 18 answers · asked by crzyluci2000 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
I wouldnt think of him. That is entirely too long to wait- obviously he has what he wants, without paperwork. You wont be able to force him to marry you, so i wouldnt try.
Either you accept him the way he is or move on. He may get the picture if he realizes he cant have his cake and eat it too....
2007-01-29 08:11:48 · answer #1 · answered by glorymomof3 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Lucy, now I have to say something unpleasant sweetie. Why should he buy the cow when he is getting the milk, cheese, eggs, laundry, dinner, children and s.ex for free!!!! He doesn't have to marry you, he IS married to you! Legally you are entitled to everything he has (if he has anything). However, emotionally I understand your need to want to be desired. His refusing to marry you makes you feel as if there is something wrong with you. The only thing wrong is what YOU are allowing HIM to do to you. If you really want to get married, give him an ultimatum. I don't normally believe in those, but at this point - 14 years and two kids later - what else have you got to lose? If he says no, then be prepared to leave him. Ask you self this first, which is more important - being with him unmarried - or standing up for what you want even if that means losing him. You have to do what is best for you and your children. But on the other hand, it's been 14 years....what difference does it really make now. Wow, that's a tough one, you shouldn't have ever let him wait this long in the first place...but you know that already. Good luck dear.
2007-01-29 08:30:41 · answer #2 · answered by Brandy 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I'm one of those (rare) people who don't believe in marriage, can't understand the drive everyone else has to be married so to me, after 14 years, if the relationship is working you really don't need the involvement of church and/or state.
However, if you or your "husband" were to get sick, a lot of hospitals would not allow you guys to make medical decisions for the other if you weren't legally married already. If you die without stating otherwise in a will, your property would not automatically go to him (and vice versa). There are other legal things that protect married people but do not extend to people who have been together for a long time but never legally married (and it varies from state to state). You may want to look into those legal matters and use that in your favor (many gay organizations have these issues readily on hand since it is one of the reasons gays are pushing to be able to marry). There are money things too that married people are granted that don't extend to non-married-but-together-a-long-time couples. If the emotional side of "marriage" doesn't affect your man, maybe the more practical (legal and monetary) things might persuade him that taking the vow might be more beneficial, especially since he's already invested 14 years already.
2007-01-29 08:26:40 · answer #3 · answered by Inundated in SF 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You should have asked before you had the first child and if he said no you should have packed up and left or threw him out. Then you had another with no commitment, something wrong here. First of all you don't have to be "married" to stay together, but to bring children into a relationship with no "Husband/Father" figure is not very good for the future of your children...are you going to live of the State or has he taken the responsibility of supporting you and the children? If you don't want to "DIE never being Married" then go your separate ways......this guy has avoided you like the plague for 14 years without asking you to get married. For goodness sakes don't have another child with him....sounds like he's scared of the whole Marriage thing....with or without him he'll still have to pay for his children until they are 18. Find someone who will accept and love you and your children. Good luck.
2007-01-29 08:39:39 · answer #4 · answered by MiMi 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He has told you what he wants. He wants not to be married oand not even to be engaged. If you want to be married or at least engaged and his knows and he does not want to grant your wish, then, you might want to move on to find someone who will want to be engaged and married.
This guy is not going to change. Why should he? He has everything that he wants.
Now, in a romantic world, you will leave, he will see what a jerk he has been and ask you back.
But, in the real world, you will find someone who wants to marry hyo and he will still be single.
If you wuold rrather be with him than with anyone else and you won't leave, then, it is best not to mention engagement, again. It will only fill you with grief. Can you stay in this relationship comfortably? Can you not resent him? Can you live another 14yrs like before? If so, then, go for it.
But, if you want something more and he will not give it to you, and you "ned" it. then, you must look for it in another man.
The fact that he won't even become engaged says to me that he puts his comfort and happiness above yours.
He will make you happy, as long as it doesn't interfere with his own comfort level.
JMHO:
you deserve better!
Don't waste anymore of your life, go find it.
2007-01-29 08:20:07 · answer #5 · answered by JAN W 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If he won't give you an engagment by now then he probably won't...and even so do you really want to be with someone with who you have to beg for a commitment?? Trust me there are guys out there willing to commit. It's hard to say "oh just leave him" when you got children and 14 years in the relationship. I would say try talking to him, get his reasons behind why he doesn't want to get engaged and then consider what you should do. You might be better off packing your bags if you truly want a commited relationship.
Good luck.
2007-01-29 08:16:39 · answer #6 · answered by Lisa 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, I feel sorry for you. Obviously you have made some mistakes, but it's not too late. Time for you to move out on your own and regain your independence. He has been way too comfortable all this time, and nothing you do can change that. I would have broken off the relationship after 3 years if I wanted to get married and he would not have. You have your children to think of, so grow a spine, and move on.
2007-01-29 08:11:19 · answer #7 · answered by Lydia 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Its a piece of paper...why is that important to you after 14 years?
Seems like you knew somewhere along the way this is how it would be. Some people don't even get the kids or living together...I would say if you love him and he loves you, and legally you probably already have a common law marriage, then put it out of your mind.
2007-01-29 08:16:08 · answer #8 · answered by BMW BFD 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I think if marriage is what you want, you're crazy to stay with the man THIS long. He is being honest with you - he doesn't want to marry you; so, of course, he doesn't want to get engaged either. Please figure out what is it that you want more: being with your b/f, or being married to someone else. Once you make the decision, make peace with it. It seems to me you've chosen him over marriage - which is totally fine, but it's not fair to keep asking more of him than he is willing to offer. You always have a choice of looking for marriage elsewhere.
2007-01-29 08:51:33 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow, that's difficult... I would talk to him and ask him what his reservations are on getting engaged or married, you're already commited as you are living together and have children, which I would mention, you are already living as if married. Then, explain to him why this is so important to you
2007-01-29 08:11:02 · answer #10 · answered by happily married ( : 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋