Stuck in the middle of my over controlling parents and uncooperative groom?

Question

I am planning our wedding for this July. My parents are paying for 99% of the wedding. They want my fiance to get more involved in the planning yet are very controlling over all the decisions. He feels as though nothing is his decision because they are paying for it. It is coming off to my parents as if the wedding is not important to him. Now I'm stuck in the middle trying to make everyone happy and seems I'm losing out on the deal! I've talked to both sides and my parents aren't backing off and he's not stepping up to the plate! How do I make it a more enjoyable experiance and stop them from destroying their relationship (my parents and the fiance)

My parents are letting me make all the shots- I understand how lucky I am to have them pay for it, I just want him to get more involved and them to not expect so much of him

I realized it didn't make sense- they are controlling in the aspect of they strongly state what they want and kind of get an attitude if you disagree, but i make the end decision.

Answer 1

Lie, honey. What makes your parent's think he's not involved? Instead of saying to them "Mom, I think..." or "I want..." phrase it as "We think" and "We want."

Answer 2

Sometimes men aren't as interested in all the details. My husband really wanted me to have the wedding of my dreams, so basically whatever I liked, he was fine with. But I definately wanted him to be involved so he could feel like it was his wedding too. So I talked with him about what he would like to be involved with the most. For him, it was cake testings. So that was the one thing that he was really involved with. After I selected a few cake vendors, we went cake testing together. Since he really wasn't interested in planning all the details, for the rest of the planning I would just research the information and pick out things that I'd like best. Then I would ask him if he liked that idea. This way we both were happy - he didn't have to be very involved, but I also made sure he was informed on what I was planning at the same time.

Once you and your fiance have decided on how much or how little his involvement will be, that's really between the two of you. If your parents indicate concern or question his lack of involvement, I would simply explain to them that the two of you have discussed how best to plan your wedding and what's most important to him is not all the details but your marriage to each other. Then I would let them know that you would appreciate it if they would respect your decisions on how details of your wedding will be decided and refrain from suggesting that the wedding isn't important to him because indeed it is.

Answer 3

That's a tough one but unfortunately you are dealing with the "Golden Rule"...he who has the gold makes the rules. If your parents are footing the bill, they unfortunately get the last say in who, what, when, where and how. If they are caring parents- attentive to what you AND your fiance want, they will bend a little but that doesn't sound to be the case. At this point if you've talked to each party and are getting no where, call the wedding off until you and your fiance can afford to pay for it yourselves. That way you will be in control. You may be just starting out, but weddings don't have to cost $20,000. I'm having a wedding and am striving to keep it at $5000 - $7000 tops. It can be done, trust me. Otherwise, you may have to elope. Go to Jamacia or Cancun and get married on the beach - you can do an all inclusive package for $3000 and leave the must and fuss to your parents! Good luck.

Answer 4

Since your parents are paying they feel that they should get what they want. This is not unusual! If you want it your way you will have to either refuse to do as they wish or plan a little wedding of your own that you & your groom do the paying. Most grooms don't really have much to do with the planning of a wedding, it's the brides thing. Your boyfriend should not have to defend himself to your parents over his involvment in the planning. Heck, ask him if he would like to elope or just make it a wedding by the two of you. Bet he would go for that in a second! If given the options addressed above; your parents just might back off a bit.

Answer 5

First of all, realize this - whoever is paying for the wedding gets the most say in it. So if your parents are footing the majority of the bill, they certainly have the right to expect that they will get what they want out of your wedding day.

Is it RIGHT that parents do this? Not really. But it's also not fair of you to expect them to write you a check and then butt out. It's THEIR money, so they have a right to tell you what they'd like to see it used for. Their money is a gift, but sometimes gifts come with strings attached. So if you want this gift, then you have to deal with what they have to say.

If you're old enough to get married, then you're old enough to foot the bill yourselves. And if you honestly can't afford any type of wedding (whether it be a huge ballroom reception with steak and lobster, or just cake and punch in a church basement), then you really ought to reconsider getting married. What'll happen in the future if you have money problems, or one/both of you gets fired - are you going to run crying to Mommy and Daddy for cash? What'll happen if, heaven forbid, they're not around to take care of you?

So if you're tired of them dictating their wishes to you, then the only way to avoid that would be to say, "Mom and Dad, thanks for your generous offer to pay for the wedding. However, Fiance and I have decided to pay for it ourselves." Even if you can't afford the wedding of your dreams, you could still have a small affair. The MARRIAGE is the important thing here, not the wedding day.

As for your Fiance ... realize that many, many men are not really interested in all the teeny little aspects of the wedding day. Let's face it - wedding planning usually falls onto the women in the relationship, and many brides tend to take over. How many grooms out there would honestly pick a pink, Cinderella-themed wedding?

Many grooms are just concerned with showing up to the ceremony on time, making sure this fly is zipped, not passing out during the ceremony, having a nice meal and some fun afterwards, then crawling into bed with his new wife at the end of the night. A nice thought, isn't it? Just because he doesn't give a rat's *** about the monogrammed cocktail napkins, whether your gown matches the tablecloths or what's in the bathroom baskets doesn't mean he doesn't love you and isn't excited about the wedding.

If you're really that concerned, talk to him, but I'm willing to bet that he just isn't that interested in the little details. Get him involved in stuff he actually cares about - the food, beer, the band, cake, where to go for your honeymoon, etc. Not what kind of ribbon should go on the favors, or whether roses or hydrangea would look better in the centerpieces.

Answer 6

A marriage is a joint decision and planning for one should invovle both you and your fiance.
Ask his opinion on things, it doesn't matter who is paying, the wedding is only a day, the marriage is for life.
You both are the important people there not YOUR PARENTS or the Guests. Ask him - if you went out for a meal and he paid, would he choose what you had to eat - no I don't think so, so really who pays is immaterial. Ask him for his opinion on things - indirectly your parents may have the final say, but see if you can side in his ideas no matter how small it may be.
Good luck and remember - the weding is a 24 hour celebration, the marriage is for life and no one can interfer if you don't let them, it is a bond between the two of you only, and you can call the stakes. My love to you both.xx

Answer 7

you are in a very tough situation. If your parents are paying %99 of the expenses then they have the right to plan the way they think its the proper way. they have been married and experienced. , however the times have changed and they may not have changed with it. On the other hand your fiance should show eagerness towards this wedding, where are his family members. try to involve some other close relatives or friends that you and your parents are comfortable with, and seek their help never know your parents may bent backward.

Answer 8

"Dudes" don't just step up to the plate and help plan a wedding...they're just not wired that way. I suggest giving him 2 or 3 responsibilities like finding the photographer and getting the groomsmen's measurements/clothing together. Just 2 or 3 things that he can do and can do it HIS OWN WAY. Then, make sure you casually drop in conversation to your parents what he's doing. If you give him a task, I think he will look at it as something he needs to accomplish.

Answer 9

Agrees with latrailer...

Also, I would elope.

This will nip it in the bud and be little cost to all parties involved.

To this day, out of all the damn weddings I've been to, my husband and I have no regrets with the way we were married:

Courtesy of a judge in a civil ceremony in my county.

Total cost:

$20

Money saved:

Just enough for a home down payment and a lavish honeymoon.

If I could do it all over again, I would.

Niece's wedding:

October, 2005

Total Cost:

$35,000

Money Saved:

Negative digits

Divorce:

In process

Reason:

Infidelity by soldier husband in Iraq

Cost of divorce:

Unknown

***A bit off the bunny trail, but I believe I've made my point.

Good luck.....

Answer 10

If you'r big enough to get married,you'r big enough to stand up to your parents,I would rather pay for my own wedding and have a small onein someones living room then have them to control it.Afterall,it is YOUR wedding,they had their chance.It isnt the wedding that makes marriges last,it the peopleinvolved in the marrige.I have seen big elaborate weddings and they only saty together a year or so,and I have seen some done on the front steps of their house and they have lasted years.You and your fiancee need o talk,and if need be,settle for something a little more affordable and foot the bill.You will be much happier.

Answer 11

This isn't your parent's wedding and they should stay out of it! Just because they are paying does not mean they get to make all the decisions! You need to back your man! You are getting married and it's time to stop being your daddy's girl! You and him plan it and then inform you parents as to what you are doing. If they don't like it, then get married when you and he can pay for it yourself!