How do I get help for depression without losing my husband?

Question

I know this question sounds strange but I have dealt with depression most of my adult life. I used to be on Zoloft but that didn't work after awhile and then I was put on Effexor but I had cardiac problems as a side effect and it didn't seem to work all that well anyway. My problem is that I know I need to go back and get some help but I am so afraid that my husband will leave me if I do. He had an affair three years ago and it happened because he felt that he couldn't make me happy. With therapy we stayed together. I went off the depression meds last summer and was doing well until I started clinicals and my husband starting working 10 to 12 hours a day. School was stressful, I have three kids ages 10, 9, and 6, and my husband is so tired when he gets home from work that he is distant. I quit school because it was too difficult so I feel like a loser. I feel alone, cry all the time but I put on an act as much as I can for him but it is getting more difficult. I'm so scared.

Answer 1

You can't control what your husband does, and the only person you can change is yourself. Your husband can not make you happy, only you can do that. Happiness is an inside job. I would suggest going to see a naturopathic doctor and you may find alternative remedies that can help you with your depression. We have a mind-body connection so by optimizing your physical health that has an effect on your mind and mood.

You may want to look at some forms of energy medicine, the wave of the future. There is a tapping technique called Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) that may help you. There are many many other avenues you can take.

You may as well forgive yourself for not being able to handle school when you were not at your best. Your priority is to get a handle on your depression now. You can always go back to school, it is not going anywhere.

Are you exercising every day? Are you seeing a therapist? Do you have a spiritual community to support you? Have you found any coping techniques like talking with a friend, bathing, or wheen feeling blue, listing all the things that you are grateful for?

Instead of crying, what I do is move into prayer, because I am find my faith the best antidote to feelings of being overwhelmed. Also I thgink of things I am grateful for. Its impossible to feel grateful and sad at the same time. You can see how your glass is half full not half empty. I can also call the World Ministry of Prayer, a nondenominational ministry that welcomes all faiths, and a trained spiritual counselor will pray for me with me on the phone 24/7 for no charge. 1-800-421-9600

You are not alone, and you make a difference. Good luck taking charge of your condition.

Answer 2

You need to get help for your depression and this time stick with the treatment. Your husband will most like feel relieved if you get help as you will be a much more pleasant person with less crying and symptoms of depression. You didn't say why your husband was working so many hours but since it sounds like he has been doing this for a while is there anyway he can work less hours for a while or take a vacation? Get the help you need for your depression so you can be more supportive for you husband and kids. Also you are not a loser because you quit your schooling. You should be proud of yourself for what you DID learn and accomplish while you were in school. Maybe when the kids are older you can consider schooling again when you can take your time or even take just a couple of classes. For now get help and hold your head proud knowing that you have learned a lot just from your time in school.

Answer 3

Definitely get help before it gets worse. You should use a combination of medication and counseling once a week (when you start feeling better try every other week).

You need to start telling him how you really feel and ask him to help. I'm a man and I help around the house. There's no excuse for his behavior. He needs to be supportive of you.

As far as quitting school, you should look at it as a minor setback. You can always go back to school at some point once the kids are older. What is more important is to deal with the depression and get it under control. Without doing that, school is not going to be something you can handle.

I know some medications have different side effects, but you should keep trying different medications until you find one that works for you. I'm on Effexor and I've been on at least 5 other medications at some point in my life. It took awhile to find the right one.

If you can find a nurse practitioner in your area who does counseling and can prescribe medication, that would be best.

Good luck!

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Answer 4

You're going to school and rasing three children and doing all of this with with a husband who is less than supportive of you and your children. That combination would be a major problem for anyone. I know that this statement, on it's own, won't help you that much, but it's the truth.

There are many different anti-depressants and each of them works slightly differently. You do need to go back to therapy yourself and to go back to finding the right med or meds for you. And yes,I know that the right med or meds will change from time to time. But this is what will give you the best chance managing your depression, at still be around and doing well for your children's graduations, weddings and to see your grandchildren.

These efforts on your behalf may result in your husband not hiding at work for 10 - 12 hours a day. That's his way of coping - hiding somewhere. And when he does that, of course he has no energy to help around the house. His emotional and physical hiding from you and your children helps nothing. It is his way of leaving you and your children without leaving you.

Your husband may have said that he had an affair because he couldn't make you happy, but there is more to that answer, more that he didn't say. Men need to feel that they can protect their families and that they can fix every problem. He couldn't protect you from depression, but no one could. And he can't fix your because depression is a neurochemical problem and he can't do anything about that one, either. Your husband needs to see that there are other ways to protect your and your family and that there are other ways that he can fix things. That's where couples therapy comes in.

Things got better with couples therapy, so go back to it. It's a way to help the two of you to redefine your relationship, taking your illness into account. He may never have done that. But this time, stay on your meds and keep seeing your own doctor as well. You both need to change things here.

When you're doing better personally, when your marriage is stronger, and when your children are a bit older, AKA, when your live is back in order, you can always go back to school.

Answer 5

Not exactly sure what is happening with you however, losing a child in whatever way creates stress. Add that to what may seem like an uncaring or unsupportive husband can amplify things. If this is the case I can understand as I am going through something like this. I must be supportive of my husband who has anger and depression built inside of him and my own anger and depression over the events in my life. My husband is as supportive as he can be even though it is not enough for me. Knowing these 2 things helps me to understand that we are two different people with different needs. Neither of us are perfect and both of us are trying to build a life together. Dealing with your own anger and depression without losing your husband can be done. First speaking openly and honestly with your husband. You do not have to tell him all the gory details of your depression or your anger but try to get him to understand at least part of it. Explain how depressed you are. I started with that and then I started taking St. John's Wort though the dosage was incorrect. Finally I went to the doctor with my husband and instead of telling my husband I told the doctor what was wrong with me and asked him to prescribe antidepressants. My husband was shocked. But more supportive (in his own way of course). The thing about men seems to be that sometimes they think it is because of them that the wife is depressed and angry and sometimes it is. If he is abusive, cheating or just plain cruel then that is a different story. You must decide though at all times what you are willing to take from your husband and from others and demand respect at all times. You deserve it. Sometimes men are incapable or unwilling to understand a woman's depression and anger and become so confused they do not know what to do. They try to scare you into being well such as "I will leave you if you don't snap out of it." This may or may not be a bluff. But if he does leave because you are depressed then he was not right for you. I am sorry to say that but that is what I believe. I hope this has helped a little.

Answer 6

No. 1-you have to think of yourself and your well being. I know it is hard,because I am having to learn to do the same thing myself. My husband just left me, as soon as I started back to nursing school for my upgrade to an RN. So now I have to withdraw. But let me tell you- you are not a loser , think of this as a mere interruption in your life. School will always be there. There are multiple medications for depression, sometimes you just have to try each until you find the right one. I personally take Lexapro. At least your husband was willing to go to counseling. If he trully loves you and has stuck it out this far he probably won't leave you for trying to cure your depression. Find someone you can talk to. I know I need to take this advice myself but sometimes friends and family are not the ones you need to talk to for help-find someone who does not have any bias.I'm scared also. If you believe in God-girl get on your knees and pray everytime you need help,support,etc. I have been with my husband for 17 yrs. and now on my own with 2 teenagers.I feel your pain in every way.If you ever just want to talk or vent or whatever , I am a good listener and will help anyone if I can. I feel your pain about the affair thing also,first hand.That was NOT your fault.My email is [e-mail] if you want to talk further.

Answer 7

First of all, dealing with depression most of your adult life does not sound strange at all. Many adults do & if you check back into your family history, you may find that depression is hereditary. My question to you is, why did you go off your meds last summer? Did you do this upon instructions from your doctor? You need to get back on meds & go for counseling with or without your husband. You said you know you need to go back for help, so don't wait. The combination of an antidepressant & counseling, pretty much go hand & hand. You can't go on in life putting on an act where your children & husband are concerned. No one will take care of you if you don't. Your children need you & you need to be physically & mentally able to handle the day to day tasks of raising a family & taking care of your home, & eventually going back to school,etc. Feeling alone & crying all the time, only perpetuates the problem. Did you know that many women women suffer depression due to low levels of serotonin levels in the brain? It's true & this goes undetected in many women, & they wonder why they're depressed. This can also be hereditary. Make an appointment "today", not tomorrow, & go see your doctor & explain what's been going on in your life & tell him you want to get better & tell him you'd like to try the Lexapro. I consider what you're going through right now, as merely existing, not living. You deserve better than that. Please ask your doctor about putting you on Lexapro. It works rather quickly & you will start feeling better soon. You can look up Lexapro on the computer, & get educated on it prior to seeing your doctor. Let me just add, that there is no good reason for your husband to be unfaithful or unsupportive to your needs. I think he needs to get back into therapy also. It helps to have a loving & supportive mate to help you get through these most difficult times. If you're that afraid of losing your husband because you need help for depression, then let me just say, he isn't worth worrying about. If he chooses to leave, help him pack, but put your getting back on the right track a priority in your life & your children's lives. I wish you all the best. I've been there, so I know a lot of where you're coming from. Get the help you need, do it for you, & in time you'll feel stronger & better about yourself & life in general. Try getting out & going for a walk each day. It does help, trust me. I hope you'll let me know how you're doing. I really care!!!! :)

Answer 8

If you broke a leg, would you be afraid to have it treated? It is no less important to have your mental health treated. If you continue as you are, I can almost guarantee you will lose him.
And if you aquire appropriate treatment, and lose him, then he isn't worth holding on to. He obviously is somewhat clueless about the personal devastation of clinical depression.
He doesn't have to know why you are seeing a doctor, if you must just tell him you are going for a "female checkup" and leave it at that. But go, get treatment. I too was on Zoloft, and Effexor and now am taking Celexa which works quite well for me, so it may for you as well.
Also, get some counselling. If it saved your marriage, he should be all for it, so that you are in better shape. He needs to learn that he is not responsible for your happiness, you are. We each of us control our emotional responses, tho some of us need help with some meds and some counselling, so if he felt inadequate to your needs and as a result had an affair, he could probably do with some more counselling himself. At any rate, you will not do him or your children any good, if you do not first take care of your own needs.

Answer 9

Your husband used you as an excuse. That doesn't make him a worthy of your love. At the moment it's hard for you to see this clearly. Please don't be afraid to get into counseling, but research before you go. Make sure it's someone whose really good. Ask friends, your family doctor, church members, co-workers. You'd be surprised how many people get some counseling now and then to work through tough times. You definitely aren't alone. You deserve help. If you lost your husband because you tried to seek help to improve your life, then he's not being supportive of you and his love is conditional, not compassionate, helpful and caring. You deserve better than this. Please seek some help. Do this for you first and for your family second. Both are very important. Your awesome for recognizing that you need some help and your already looking for ways to make things better. You've taken the first step. Don't give up! I wish the best for you.

Answer 10

Medication can help, but it's no substitute for cognitive behavioural therapy. Try to stop every time you are unhappy and ask yourself why you are unhappy. Then ask yourself if your reaction was reasonable and based on facts instead of your feelings. Then try to challenge your thoughts and ask yourself if your thoughts are correct or just your feelings. I am very guilty of 'emotional thoughts' and when I examine them I find that I have thought something that has no real truth in it, just my emotional reaction to the situation.

Also, worrying about your husband is only adding to the guilt and pressure. He can look after himself and you need to look after you first. It's only after you feel better that you can deal with your relationship properly. Don't look to him as a crutch, look forward to the equal relationship you will have when you feel better (and admit to yourself that he isn't perfect either and he's not letting it bother him!)

By the way I found Citalopram (Cipramil) the most effective medication. I am currently on Efexor and finding it pretty mild, but I prefer it that way so I can make effective progress in my cognitive-behavioural therapy.

Remember this is not your fault!!! Some people just have the brain chemistry that makes them depressed and for some people this is a natural reaction to experiences and events in their lives. You are not to blame, but you do have to live with the results. You owe it to yourself to try to have the best life you can. It's hard work but you will be much happier.