Why Does My Mother-in-Law Do This?

Question

Normally I try to take care of my two children (ages 5 & 7) without help from anyone. I never bother my mom or my mother-in-law, but back in Nov. I had over booked myself and couldn't get my son to his first real birthday party that he was invited to. I allowed plenty of advance notice (about a week) and asked my mother-in-law if she could pick my son up from his swim class (that's only approx. 1 mile from her house) and take him to the birthday party at McDonalds (that's probably approx. 5 miles from her house). She told me that her car doesn't run that good and that she didn't want to get stuck with him in her car (even though it's now the end of January and no, her car hasn't broken down). I told her I understood, but I knew that she was just making excuses.

Anyway, last night I learned that she picks up (in her car) my niece and 2 nephews from school every Tues. and Thursday. I want to ask her why she'll do it for her daughter, but not me. Do I have a right to be hurt?

My husband is around, but he works A LOT.

Answer 1

Well obviously she's playing favorites,I wouldn't say anything to her about it b/c it will probably turn out to be a bad situation.Just don't ask her for anything,and don't ever go out of your way to please her!

Answer 2

Were your 2 nieces and nephews born before your children? If so, it could be she favors them over your children. Or she really just didn't feel like helping out. Either way or whatever the reason, you have every right to feel hurt. My mother is the same way unfortunately in the fact that she likes my son more than my daughter because he was her first grandchild. She always called him the King and always came up to visit him. My mom comes to every one of his Birthday parties and even throws him her own birthday party. But when my daughter's birthday party arrives, my mom isn't there and she doesn't throw her own. My mom takes my son places when she runs errands but doesn't want to take my daughter because she says she isn't old enough even though my daughter is only 18 months younger than my son and they are both older than 4. My wife and I have been hurt by this and confronted her about it and she denied it of course but has made an attempt as of late to try to make some things more equal. But I have also accepted that this is the way my mom is.

So you should be hurt if you are being lied to about something she is doing for someone else and not you. Confront her but not with a negative attitude. Just inquire about the situation and let her know how it makes you feel. Hopefully it helps. Sorry you have to deal with it. Good luck.

Answer 3

I have never seen a smooth relationship between
a woman and her mother-in-law. They probably
do exist, but ... like white tigers, they are rare and
in cages some place.

Usually, the problems come from one person
over-analyzing the actions of the other. Sure, you
could be hurt here, but why bother? What does it
get you?

Now you know that you cannot count on her.
Does it really matter why? Do you think you
are going to fix this?

And by the way, you could try to bring your
husband into this, but this is not something he
is going to be able to fix. If he's clever and
you start to talk about this, he'll suddenly
come down with a case of not-my-problem-itis.

Most guys will, however, try to help, and it
will only make it worse.

The good news is that the longer you are
married, the more you will come to appreciate
the other's qualities and the easier it will be
to ignore the other's failings.

And ultimately, you'll probably outlive her.

Answer 4

Yes, she has the right to do what she pleases. Had she promised you to help out and then backed off, it would have been different. That she lied about the car being unreliable, well, she probably thought you would then not ask her anymore. In a weird way, she chickened out without telling the truth. My mother-in-law hates me always has. Therefore, I never asked her for anything. We would see each other only during the holidays or for my children's birthdays. She doesn't treat her daughter this way. It's her daughter ! There is just something about mother's and their sons wife. My suggestion is to not involve her anymore. If she offers, okay.

Answer 5

OMG are you sure we dont have the same mother in law. Mine is just like that, clearly favouring her daughters children over ours and her other sons children. She has MS and is in a wheelchair so her excuse was always, I struggle with the kids being so young. But she has a husband and my kids are the same age as my partners sisters kids and they stay there all the time and she takes them out places and, get this, she even spends more on them at crimbo. It wouldn't matter but the kids cant wait to tell each other what they got so they can see the favouritism too!!!! I hate it. She lives less than 2 miles away from us yet she never makes it on time for the kids b'days. Sorry for ranting. It's just a mother in law thing. just be like me and never ask her for anything, I always ask my parents. xx

Answer 6

She may not like picking those other children up at all, but does not want to have issues with her daughter. I would certainly tire of that Tuesday / Thursday routine. Very possibly, she didn't want another child to be responsible for... even though it was just an isolated event. She was wrong in making excuses, and yes, I can see why you feel hurt. But let it go.... for the sake of your children and your husband. You now know that unless it is an emergency, you cannot depend on her. Another lesson learned.

Answer 7

Your mother-in-law is a passive agressive jerk.

She doesn't like you and she didn't want to help you by taking your son to that birthday party. But she wasn't woman enough to tell that to you straight out, so she made up some stupid story about her fear of a car breakdown.

As you can see with your nephews and your niece, she WILL help out taking kids to activities if she WANTS TO.

Obviously, in your case, she didn't want to, probably because she doesn't like you. Unfortunately for you, she's too much of a wimp to tell you honestly that she didn't want to help you.

Answer 8

Your MIL sounds A LOT like mine. I can't count on her. My husband works a lot, too. But she plays favorites and that's what it sounds to me here!!
Yes, you have a right to be hurt. But, it's her daughter and you are her daughter in law. She'd rather help out her daughter...so, don't count on her in the future. Don't bring it up. It will just bring up a nasty confrontation. Just don't ask her for anything anymore. That's what I do. Then I don't get disappointed.
What she doesn't realize is, she's hurting you, but she's hurting her grand kids too. It's a hateful and disrespectful thing to do. But your kids will learn on their own later on what their grandmother didn't do for them. It's sad, but that's the way it may be.

Answer 9

Let it go. Sometimes things in life have a funny way of coming back on people. Her car may really break down and she'll be calling you for rides. You can either give her rides or make excuses like she did to you.

Answer 10

Yes you have the right to be hurt, and not understand.
Sounds to me like your Mother-In-Law has serious emotional issues, as any grandmother/mother that would play favorites is off of her rocker. To me that is just cruel, and hateful behavior.
For sure do not ask her for assistance again.. and if I were you I would try and separate myself and my family from this very hurtful woman. See her when you need to, speak to her when you need to.. Don't line yourself up for anymore hurt. You deserve better.

Answer 11

Yes, you have a right to be hurt, your kids are her grandkids also. IT sounds like she is pulling favorites. For now I would just kill her with kindness if your kids notice the tension with you and their grandma that will indirectly involve them and put them in the middle. She is the one who obviously has issues and she needs to learn to accept you and your husbands children as her grandchildren as well.