My eight year old daughter is really having a difficult time adjusting to this new situation.
Back in August, my fiance' moved in with me. When he did, she had to start sleeping alone. Also,we had just moved into a new apt. and she started a new school. So the poor kid has really had to make some adjustments.
The thing is though, that we want to be married. But, we cannot at this time. You see, I have lupus and cannot lose my medical coverage. His employer does not furnish it at this time. We could not afford my medications and any potential medical bills could devastate us for life.
My daughter is just not adjusting to this situation, though. He is really good to her, and I know he loves her. But, she is crazy about her natural Dad...who is a really great guy. She begs me to never marry my fiance'.
This whole situation is just wearing me down. I feel so caught in the middle. What should I do?
2007-01-28 18:29:17 · 21 answers · asked by treefrog 4 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Grade-Schooler
Re: losing my insurance.
I am permanently disabled. But, still awaiting the S.S. Administration to award me benefits. The only medical coverage I have is through the state. I CANNOT work. But, I was working until I got sick. I am not a deadbeat.
2007-01-28 18:49:20 · update #1
you need to put your child first over anyone else especially a freaking guy.
2007-01-28 21:58:57 · answer #1 · answered by proud_mom 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Have you talked to your daughter about why she doesn't want you to marry this guy? If not, you should.Just sit down and discuss with her that he is not taking the place of her father, and that she doesn't even have to call him "dad" if she doesn't want to. You and your fiance need to do all you can to make her feel more comfortable with the whole situation (not "spoil" her of course, just to make the adjustments a little easier). And remember, your daughter comes first. If getting married to this guy at the moment would interfere with the medications that you need, don't do it. Just work on getting some secure medical coverage before you totally tie the knot. Don't get overly stressed either. Most of these things will iron themselves out. But in the meantime just make sure that you spend some extra special "mother-daughter" time with your daughter. She might feel that now she has to compete for your attention. You don't know what her friends might be (or since you've moved, might've been) telling her about this situation. God Bless.
2007-01-29 02:55:29 · answer #2 · answered by Confused & Young 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Family counseling sounds like a good idea to me. It will give her the opportunity to openly discuss her feelings about the whole thing. If this isn't something you could finance on your own, I would recommend talking to your daughter's school counselor about free programs available for families. Sometimes school counselors will also form small support groups for children of divorce. If neither of those options are available, you can just request that the school counselor pick your daughter up on her regular rotation to talk. Sometimes it really does help just to share your thoughts with an outsider.
As for the living situtation, you're kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place. You've already had him move in, so making him move out would just show your daughter that if she doesn't like something, she can just make the problem go away. At the same time, your daughter's well-being is obviously the most important thing here. How does her father feel about the whole thing? Maybe he could talk to her about how she's feeling and let her know that you and your fiance have his blessing. You marrying him/living with him isn't breaking up the family you have- it's just adding another person to lean on. Best wishes!
2007-01-29 19:21:25 · answer #3 · answered by elizabeth_ashley44 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your daughter wants parents, her mom and dad. Now she has mom and the guy she hooked up with who is now living with them. No it's not right no matter what is wrong with you physically. Set an example. Move him out until you can get married the right way. You just uprooted everything in her life and want to know what is wrong with her? If everything in your world got removed and replaced would you be happy about it? NO! She is 8 years old and doesn't have a life time of coping skills. She is being asked to deal with adult situations when she should only have to deal with being an 8 year old. Maybe she should go live with her real father. If it is a more stable home life that is the best choice for her right now. Make choices for your daughters life that are best for you, not ones that make you feel better. Your daughter shouldn't need to see her mom hooking up with some guy regardless of how nice he is.
2007-01-29 13:38:43 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Well, if her natural father is a really great guy, and you get along well, include him. Then all three adults can sit down and discuss the situation. You can all let her know that everyone has her best interests at heart. Tell her mommy and daddy get along well, but they can't live together. Let her know that she is lucky to have so many people love her (not in a mean way). Have your ex let her know that she is allowed to like the new man. You and the boyfriend need to let her know that he isn't trying to be her dad, she has one and you know that. That he just wants to be her friend. It will still take a little adjusting. Also, get her a diary, so she can get her feelings out. I hope this helps, and good luck.
2007-01-29 05:03:26 · answer #5 · answered by countchocula_78 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I'm just going to suggest this, maybe i'm completely off base... This isn't really an answer, but I would suggest asking open ended questions about why she doesn't like him. I realize there is probably no reason to suspect a reason other than a natural preference for her father.. but, I've know a fair number of girls who were molested as a child, and by far the most common perpetrator was the step-father or mother's boyfriend. Actually, only one girl I knew ever told her mother anything about it. One even denied it actively.
2007-01-29 11:13:17 · answer #6 · answered by killerk1.geo 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is a fact the the person most likely to abuse your child is a live-in boyfriend. Get him out of the house, and focus on your health, and raising your daughter. If your daughter's dad is such a great guy, why aren't you with him? It seems that would be the best situation. You need to put your daughter's needs before the needs of your boyfriend, and your love life.
2007-01-29 11:51:41 · answer #7 · answered by Tiss 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
i understand why you can't get married....am i right? if you get married, you'll have more income, hence you don't get SS disability. correct?
i am divorced and have lupus, as well as some major back issues for which i have chronic pain. i can't work as a nurse anymore because of it, at least not on the floor which i love.
i understand being sick, worrying about money, etc esp with two very small children.
does your daughter get insurance through you? i would really seek her some counseling. kids around her age have difficulty dealing with emotions sometimes, just like adults. esp you recognize the major changes in her life. she needs time to adjust and someone to talk to she trusts. she may think your fiance is trying to take over her biological dad's place. kids her age about many problems they can't process without help.
please let her know you both love her, but she can't dictate your love life. she'll eventually understand, but in the meantime, please seek out a conselor SHE likes. talk to her school, or talk to her health care provider for a recommendation. the right counseling can do wonders.
i wish you well, in your health, and i wish your daughter well too. congrats on your engagement.
2007-01-29 04:05:24 · answer #8 · answered by nobodyRN,BSN 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
she was sleeping in the same bed with you at 8 yrs old? not right.
as for your insurance, you don't have to lose it. i'm married, and my husband and i still have separate insurances.
if your daught isn't adjusting, then the best thing is to have him move back out. you're not married yet, so it's not mandatory that you live together.
the facts are that you are the parent, and she is the daughter. you need to be the parent. it's fine that she is crazy about her father. as long as he's a good guy, that's great.
she is also 8. she will tell you what she thinks, and she thinks she knows it all. if you love your fiance, then you and he need to sit down with her and talk. did you explain it to her before he moved in, or did you just expect her to get used to it?
i think she's going to be fine. you just need to establish the boundaries of parent and child.
2007-01-29 02:43:56 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋
"I have lupus and cannot lose my medical coverage." What does getting married have to do with you losing medical coverage? I dont' understand. Unless you are getting it through the taxpayers. If you have regular medical insurance then there is no way you can lose it just because you get married. So I really don't understand why you can't get married, IF you really want to. As far as living with your boyfriend no, I don't think it's a good idea. Whether you marry him or not is up to you, even your daugther shouldn't have the right to dictate that but because of her and the problems that can arise (disciplining her) I dont think it's a good idea for him to move in with you...unless you want to send her to live with her dad.
2007-01-29 02:42:31 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 2⤋
You need to have your daughter's father sit down with you and your daughter (only you and your ex.. not the new guy) and talk to her. Explain how you both love her and will always be there for her. Maybe her dad can tell her that you love your fiance' very much and that it is ok if you get married to him one day.. and that he will never be her daddy but it is ok for her to be his friend.
You can get a family health plan at work and add him to it.. you won't loose it if you marry.
2007-01-29 02:48:09 · answer #11 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋