Can anyone help??

Question

Ok my mom died when I was 8 years old (I am 15 now) and I just had some new neighbors move in just over a year ago. And at first I wanted nothing to do with their parents becasue thats just what I've been like since my mom died. But as I go over their and "hang out" I find myself wanting their mom to be in the same room as us and to talk to us and play games like "truth or dare" and "would you rather" with us. And then if the two girls that I'm "hanging out" with get yelled at by there mom I feel like I want to get into trouble too. It's really weird. I also find myself feeling jealous when she goes and sits next to one of her daughters. Another thing, sometimes I feel like I just want to sit down with her and just talk with just me and her. I'm not sure whats going on, can someone help me? AND what shoud I do about this?

and how can i ask her to talk to her?

When I'm around adults I am real shy and I really don't want to talk to counslers I think that they don't care and just want the money.

Answer 1

Sounds like you want an adoptive mom. It's not unusual in your situation. Talk with her - see if she's willing to take on that role. If not, you'll need to look into counseling.

Answer 2

You know what? You express yourself so well! I'm so sorry for your loss, it's never easy to loose a parent, I have also. I think you should tell someone you love about this. Can you print your note above and give it to your dad? If youre not with your dad, is there another adult you can tell. I know this may sound like you knew it was coming, but I think you could talk to a counselor who might be able to help. Even some hospitals have groups that get together and share their feelings of loss. Please try to follow up though! I'd hate to think of you going through life trying to fill the void of your missing mom. Take Care, Hope you work things out.

Answer 3

You did not mention what your living situation is now. Do you live with your father? Is there a stepmother in the picture?

What is happening is completely normal. You are a teenager, and you are at an age when young women look up to older women, and you have found a woman you like. Inside, subconsciously, you have adopted her as a surrogate, or substitute mother, to try and fill in for the missing mother you don't have. It is not uncommon, and it's nothing to get worried about.

As for what you should do about it, there are several things. First of all, you should talk to your parent or guardian about it. Just be very matter of fact. If you are being raised by a single father, I am sure he already realizes that you miss having a mom around. Be sure to explain to him that it isn't a shortcoming on his part, and that you are just attracted to the idea of having an adult woman you can talk to.

The second thing you should do is you should probably talk to her about it, just so she knows what's going on. Please be aware that she cannot be your mom, she already has that responsibility for her own girls, but maybe she will have some ideas. Are there certain things you want to talk with her about? Ask her, and maybe she will be willing to talk with you about them, but be sure your parent or guardian knows about it, too, as that way no one has to feel uncomfortable because you are talking to your friends' mom about personal stuff.

The third thing you can do, and this is more for the long term, is look around your world, and see if there is an adult woman who can help fill in for your mom now that your mom isn't here. Do you have an aunt, or an older sister, or a grandmother? Sometimes, especially as you get older, you are going to want to talk to a woman about things, and you cannot always expect your friends' mom to be there for you. What if they move to the North Pole? You need to have someone in your life that you can develop a permanent relationship with.

I need to warn you that most women will already have figured out what's going on, and most would be okay with it. However, some women are uncomfortable with stuff like this. When you talk to her, if she gets uncomfortable, try to not let it upset you. It doesn't have anything to do with you; it has to do with her. If she's uncomfortable being your friend, it just means that you need to find another adult you can talk to.

I am very sorry your mom isn't available, especially now. It's probably hard being 15 and not having a mom around. What you need to do is be open with all the people around you, and let them know what's going on, and feel comfortable about reaching out and talking to someone about how you are feeling.

I wish you the best.

Answer 4

Next time you have a situation or problem, call her and ask if you can come over and talk to her about it. Don't get discouraged if she says she's busy, because if it is the spur of the moment, she might not realize just how important this is to you. Try asking her when a good time to talk would be. Then, when you DO get to talk with her about it, reach for her and give her a big hug. It will melt her heart, for sure and I'm betting that will be the ice breaker that will get you more comfortable in being included.

Answer 5

I'm so sorry you lost your mom at such a young age. I think what you are experiencing is very understandable. You have a deep-seated need to be "mothered." Of course, I don't know who stepped in after your mom died, but you still have that humger. A counselor at school, or a trusted adult might be able to help you get the insight you need. There is a book entitled "Motherless Daughters--the Legacy of Loss" by Hope Edelman that might also provide you with new understanding and coping skills. My very best wishes go out to you.

Answer 6

your question is a valid one, and you sound very mature for 15! you sound like a really nice kid!
i am so sorry you lost your mom at such an early age, it can't have been easy for you. perhaps there is something about this lady that subconsciously reminds you of your own mom, and thats why you are having all these feelings. you just want a mom!
if you are so shy that you are hesitant about talking to her, [and i know what you mean, i always find it easier to put things down on paper than to say them], then why don't you print this question off the computer and show it to her. she can't help but feel flattered that you have these feelings.
you should also talk to your dad about it all. tell him that there is just something about her - you would like to get to know her better without showing any disrespect to him or to the memory of your mom.
i bet your mom is looking down right now and thinking how wonderful it is that you have found someone you feel comfortable with.
good luck
take care
s.b.

Answer 7

I empathize with you! It seems that you are having a difficult time dealing with your loss, especially now that you are going through important developmental changes in your life. I am not sure about the details, but it might be better if you look into the Big-Sister program or a mentor program where you can meet someone that can be a mother figure to you.

In the mean time you have to focus on controlling your urges. Otherwise, I fear you will cause discomfort in your relationship with this family and you will then be excluded.

Also, be aware that the feelings you are developing now due to your mother having died early in your life, will also make you susceptible to get involved with guys and groups that are not good for you and your future. Be strong and be aware that you are emotionally vulnerable, but you can joint groups and get mentors and other things to build your strength.

Answer 8

I think it's perfectly natural to fell attached to your friends mom. It is something you have missed and you should not feel uncomfortable being this way. I am not a psycologist or a doctor but I would recommend you sit down with this lady, when you have time alone and discuss your feelings with her. Don't put the pressure on but a heart to heart with her over a few times can help alleviate your fears/uncertainties about your feelings. Hopefully you can become friends with her and her daughters and fell welcome to talk to them about things. One thing you should remember is that make certain you have her/their confidence when or if you do discuss personal matters as you don't want gossip started about you, which it sounds like they would not do. You want to feel as if you're part of their family with a mom it seems. I hope things work out for you and that you feel comfortable and happy with your new mates. Take care and keep your chin up--- it seems that you have met some nice people---

Answer 9

Tell her you feel confortable around her and she makes you feel good and ask her if you can ask her a personal question and take her outside or another room and thats when you tell her what you just told us and ask her the question! "Would it be ok if I can be apart of this family?" I seriously think she will completely understand and she will feel so blessed to have you. Don't feel embarressed either. We all need someone to love us the way we need. Maybe she'll even take you in. Never know. Oh sorry about your mom, that must have been hard for you.

Answer 10

First of all, it isn't unusual for a person your age who has lost a parent to look for a surrogate. You must control your jealousy when it comes to her being with her daughters, but I recommend that you tell her how you feel and that you would like to just set and talk to her alone. I'm sure you need a mature woman in you life and most women I know would feel honored to have a young girl look up to them that way.