answer......quick!?

Question

tell me some funny jokes.........i need to laugh!



and riddles...but give the answers !

Answer 1

Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and left leg in a car accident?
He's all right now.

Did you hear about the guy who was tap dancing?
He fell down the drain.

Answer 2

Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.

Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years"

Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.

When asked what the capital of California was; answered "C".

Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.

After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.

Answer 3

Four men are at a class reunion and are boasting how successful their sons are. The first father says, "My son is soo successful with his furniture warehouse, that he gave his best friend a houseful of new furniture." The second father laughed, "That's nothing! My son is a successful real estate agent, and gave his best friend a new mansion." The third father countered, "Oh yeah? well. my son has a car dealership, and he gave his best friend a brand new Ferrari." During all this, the fourth man came back from the bathroom to see that the others were bickering. They saw him and asked how his son is doing. At this, he gave an exasperated sigh and said, "It's horrible. I cound out that my son's gay. But I suppose he's doing somethings right. I mean the other day, he got a new house, fully furnished, and a new Ferrari."

Answer 4

1. . A man builds a house with all four sides facing south. A bear walks past the house. What colour is the bear?

2. Before the days of motor cars, a man rode into town on his horse. He arrived on Friday, spent three days in town and left on Friday. How is that possible?

3. Can a man legally marry his widow's sister in the state of Arkansas?

4. How much dirt is in a hole four feet deep and two feet wide?







ANSWERS:

1. White. The house is built directly on the North Pole.

2. The horse's name was Friday.

3. No -- he is dead.

4. There's no dirt in a hole.

Answer 5

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

Answer 6

These ones are pretty common:

Two blondes were driving to Disney Land. As they went down the freeway they saw a sign that said "Disney Land Left" So they turned around and went home.

Why did the blonde stare at the can of orange juice?
Because it said concentrate.

If your blonde I apologise. I also don't want any hate mail from other blondes.

Answer 7

there is a man and his wife. the man hates his wife, because she is always better than him at everything. one day, they go golfing, and the dude hits the golf ball into a forest. while he was looking for the ball, he saw a magic lamp, so he rubbed it. so this genie comes out and says, "you have 3 wishes now. but whatever you wish, i will do 100 times of that wish to ur wife." the man says to the genie, "i wish i was a great golfer!" the genie granted the wish, and then the man became a great golfer, but his wife was 100 times a better golfer. Then the man says, " i wish i had 1 million dollars." then the man gets 1 million dollars, but his wife is now 100 times more richer than him. Now the guy says for his last wish, " i wish i had a mild heart attack!!"

LOL DUDE
NOT BAD FOR AN ASIAN GUY, EH?

Answer 8

A brunette finds a genie and the genie grants her 3 wishes. But the genie says that whatever she wishes for, every other brunette would get double her wish. First she wished for a mansion. Every other brunette in the world got two mansions. Then she wished for a sports car. Every other brunette got two sport cars. Then on her last wish she wished that the genie would take a stick and beat her half to death.
Good day.

Answer 9

why is 8 afraid7 of because 7,8,9 or 7 ate 9 get it.

your momma is so fat the she had to put mayo on her aspirin

your momma is fat that she was sitting next to everybody in school.
your momma is so short and skinny that she is sort than a regular sized pencil

your momma is so ugly that when she had a paper bag on her face, and the paper bag began to cry.

your momma is so stupid that she had to get kick out of special-ed

Answer 10

A blonde was driving to disneyland and there was a sign that said :disneyland left.so she said oh!and turned around to drive back home.on her way home she saw a sign that said clean restrooms 8 miles.by the time she had driven 8 miles,she had cleaned 48 restrooms.do you get it?

Answer 11

this isn't exactly a joke but a lot of people seem to think this is funny

I lost a bet to the cheerleaders at my school. I said girls cant beat guys in sports and cheerleading isnt a sport and they bet if I lost to a cheerleader in basketball they get to make me cheer any way they want. looks like I'll be cheering in a uniform!