I'm a woman of "a certain age" considering a relationship ...?

Question

...so please, no answers from teens, tweens and anyone else not old enough to legally order a martini.

I'm an educated professional, with ant amicable divorce well behind me, and not looking for a husband. I haven't been interested in a serious relationship in years, but I have had some friendly, satisfying affairs. In other words, I'm not desperate and I don't "need" a man in my life.

Now I find myself in a cliche situation. Six weeks ago, my high school boyfriend found me through the internet and we started to correspond and chat by phone. Like me, he has no kids, a steady job, is unmarried and long over his 12-years-ago divorce. I remember him with nothing but fondness, we simply grew apart and lost touch when I moved at 26. He now lives about two hours away. We met last week and had a wonderful lunch and museum visit. I am feeling incredibly romantic and he has said as much to me. Is this just the memory talking, or is this real chemistry?

BTW, I've checked his background. I've heard all the internet horror stories and asked a licensed investigator friend to look into anything criminal, shady or psychotic. He appears in every way to be exactly what he says.

Maybe I'm just old and jaded, but these feelings seem almost adolescent to me. And yet, we do seem to have a genuine adult attraction. I just want to know how big a grain of salt I should take with all this ...

Answer 1

Everyone wishes they had a chance to relive something from their past or have a "do-over". It's a very romantic notion. Not to mention he pursued you, you 2 apparantly were close enough that you feel like you're picking up right where you left off, and he's close enough to have good times with that right now you're enjoying all this with no real strings. So you have all these various connections coming together at one time.

Is it real chemistry? Maybe the chemistry never left, but time and distance got in the way...but there's still a very good chance that this is euphoric to you right now. The idea that you're contemplating this after experienciencing some "satisfying affairs" tells me that you're already deep down considering how nice it would be for this to go further, but your feelings are so confusing you that you need some objectivity to sort out your feelings.

I think the best thing you can do right now is just enjoy what it is, and trust that you have attained enough maturity and wisdom to discern your feelings if/when things move forward.

Answer 2

I'm definitely old enough to order a martini... they don't even card me anymore :-(
I'd say just take it slow. The memories and nostalgia are probably playing a part in the attraction, but that doesn't mean the chemistry isn't real. The fact that you grew apart and lost touch rather than having a dramatic nasty break up is a plus... no old issues to get past. Separate the memories from the present for a minute - if you didn't know him 'way back when', would you still be attracted to him? Did your conversation last week center on only the memories, or was it relevant to today also?
I wish you the best of luck.

Answer 3

I have a friend who has the same situation as you and now they are planning on living together. They have not seen each other for 15 years and through mutual friends they reconnect. They didn't get together right away but now that they are in the same country and city they realize that they were meant to be together.

You are more mature and more confident now and not the same person when you were in highschool. I'd say give it a chance. Meet and dine occasionally and if it's just memory talking you'll know the difference. In my opinion I'd say it's real chemistry, because loves found you (with him) the second time around.

Wish you goodluck........

Answer 4

At your age, and with your level of experience and maturity, you can afford to let yourself go and have a nice romance without worrying about where it's leading. Dissecting a good thing will necessitate killing it first, potentially - do you really want to do that? Besides: You don't really need to justify or even to explain anything to anyone else anymore - so long as there is nothing illegal, physically harmful or financially risky involved. So, I think you should have a good time and let things roll at their own pace.

Answer 5

Well, to begin with, I've been married to the same great guy for thirty five years, so I definitely qualify at the Martini level. However, I think I am reasonably equipped to answer your question even though I have never had a similar experience, because I've been around the block and around the world (literally) and over time my female acquaintances have covered a wide spectrum of experiences, including this one you are now in.
I think the first thing I'd suggest is that you don't make the mistake of looking only at your "present". Clearly you didn't descend upon Earth with the last shower of rain, but not so old that you don't have a lot of road to travel still before you leave it. But somewhere in that future you will almost certainly confront life situations that are less "smooth and well organized" than they are now, and that includes a time when you may not be as physically independent.
When I met my husband, I sure wasn't looking to get married. I was free and independent, and financially sound able to travel the world and enjoy a pretty good life. But in my gut I knew that there would come a time when I would need the comfort of having a "shared history" with another person. I had a lot of married friends even before marriage, and I always noticed how they had those lots of little "things between them".... a word here, a gesture there, that all had a meaning to them, but not to me. There just seemed to be such a "bonded comfortability" about that, and instinctively I felt this was something that could be so important in those later years when I was less vital, less able - less young. I toyed with the idea of just never marrying, but I got thinking about this a lot. I never actively put myself out there looking for a husband, but I had a feeling I would know it if I ran into the right person, and if I did, I would not shy away just because, right now, I was still riding high on my independent thing. I knew that I would have to build some stock in my future emotionally, in exactly the same way a person needs to invest in financial security.
Well, I ran into that guy in the most unexpected way, did what I promised myself I would do, and I can tell you that 35 years later I am so glad to have that wonderful, comfortable partnership with somebody who will walk with me, the rest of the way, until it's time for one of us to go into the "great beyond".
Now, about this "old acquaintance" of yours. Right now, yes, I do think there's a lot of "romantic memory" at work. After all, you have this shared memory of something that takes you both back to when you were young, and the world was in bloom for you both, with all kinds of adventures ahead. You went in different directions, and did your separate thing, and suddenly here you are again, in the company of another person who shared that little bit of distant past. A common denominator that can whisk you back in time together.
Can it go from there into "an attraction of atoms"? It might not, but it's possible, and IF it does, my advice is go with it. I mean apply all the sensible, intelligent rules of evaluation, but don't put the barrier up to the possibility of a permanent partnership. A very dear person in my life from way back when I was deciding about getting married, grinned and said, with his signature dry humor "Well, dear girl, just keep in mind, that first attractions are always sexual. But you have to think ahead to a future time when you are going to need something else to keep you interested in one another the other twenty three hours and forty minutes of the day LOLOL> How wise he was. Too many marriages fail because the couple didn't stop to take stock of that before they took the plunge.
I say take your time getting re-acquainted with this man from the past, discover who he is NOW, and let him see who you are now and then let those atoms and molecules swirl around together and wait to see if a "chemical change" occurs. Don't automatically distrust, or dismiss this re-connection out of fear that it might just be the romance of memory at work. Just quietly see what happens, and if, by chance, you both come to the feeling that there IS a "chemical reaction" then, think very very, very, carefully before you slam the door on taking it to the next level. In short, if he's a keeper, don't let him get away lol.

Answer 6

why is it that every old person feels compelled to act OLD, as if they are a wise owl or something and forgot how to live

life is short, and apparently shorter for you than it used to be, why question it, if it seems good then go for it and live life a little, there is always risk involved no matter what, but you can't hope to gain anything if you don't risk anything, and obviously these feelings are bringing something good into your life, or at least making you feel good.

a wise old man once told me, if it feels good its because it is good

so go out and live life, experience life, instead of hiding from it

and yes, i am old enough to order a martini, ordered a few in my life

Answer 7

I think you might have to meet this person and find out. Have lunch or dinner together - if there is "no chemistry", then you are only out an hour of time (and a few bucks if you dutch). Good luck!

Answer 8

I think you should have a few more dates before you start worrying about that. You have to get to know who he is today before you can even compare him to who he was then. If you can see him for the person he is now without all to time comparing how he has changed, i would say you have rediscovered a very special friend.

Answer 9

sounds like chemistry to me.....take a chance...what the heck have you got to lose...a few hours maybe...it could be the best thing that ever happened to the two of you...have fun...there is a time to throw caution to the wind....good luck

Answer 10

It can be the real chemistry when the two of you gets socially involved.