Wedding/Reception? Pay for your plate!?

Question

Where did this custom come from? How come people who are getting married always complain about their guest paying for THEIR wedding reception plate.

WE didn't have any input in the planning, but they get upset and look to be reimbursed for THEIR wedding expenses. When I invite people over my house for dinner you are my guest, you don't pay for your plate. Well at your wedding I'm your GUEST.

People who are getting married seem to always be looking for someone to pay for something...they "demand" a gift or only want money. I love to give gifts and i thought gifts were unexpected items.

So do you look to be reimbursed when planning your wedding/reception and expect for people to pay for their plate?

no bride has personally requested that people pay for their plate, but when listening to my friends, they always say that their guest better pay for their plate meaning they better give enough money to cover what the plate cost them.

Answer 1

I totally agree with you 100%. brides these days are soooo greedy it disgusts me! we asked for nothing on our wedding day. we told friends it wasnt necessary to give us anything but the pleasure of their company on an important day in our lives. everything, including drinks were on us. the people who did give gifts or money were just as appreciated and welcome as those who brought nothing. I dont understand why people who are so busy planning wedding have time to even think about gifts. what gets me even more are those who register theor honeymoon. if you cant afford your own vacation then you dont take one. most people cant afford to go away themselves. why the heck should they pay for the couple to go away? we didnt take a honeymoon. we couldnt afford one and no way in heck would I ever ask my quests to afford it for me. its sad really, but truely explains why the divorce rate is so high. focus on the wedding itself, not the money of the people attending it.

Answer 2

I don't know where this came from but I want it to go away. By this logic, each of my guest should have spent aprox. $41.20 on the gift. While gifts are customary they are never obligatory.

I viewed my wedding as a big party. I wanted everyone I loved and cared about there. My mom was still inviting people the day before my wedding. She did the same thing for my sister's wedding which was held at our parent's home. Our family is very much "the more the merrier."

Some other things that I wish would go away and are in poor taste (and scream money grubbing gimme pig):

Including registry information in the invitation.

Registering for your honeymoon. Since when are other people supposed to pay for your *vacation*.

Registering for a down payment on a future house. Again, since when are others supposed to pay for your house.

The whole "in lieu of favors a donation has been made to {insert charity here}". It's cheap and how do they know I support that charity?

Memorials for those who have passed on in the wedding ceremony. It's a wedding not a funeral!!! If you must remember someone special keep is subtle.

My cousin got a double fault when he got married. Not only did he "register" for his honeymoon, he and his wife included the "registery" info in the invitation. My aunt was horrified! Karma is sweet. It rained and was stormy during my cousin's honeymoon-a cruise on the Mexican Riveria.

QuietStorm, Angledust, Etiquette Gal, Nanny and anyone else who is intrested and follows good etiquette, check out www.etiquettehell.com It's full of stories of etiquette faux paus and has a discussion forum where you can ask questions and debate etiquette. Be warned, you are allowed to disagree with others as long as you do so in a polite way.

Answer 3

To my understanding, based on reading various wedding sites, that the paying for the plate thing only comes into play when people give cash gifts (which a fair number of people do not). The guest apparantly guesstimates how much the dinner cost the bride and groom and use that as the determining factor of what amount of a cash gift to give them.

I personally don't understand the logic there but some people say that's the only way to go.

Either way, the guest should never pay for anything at the wedding. Nor should the bride and groom count on guests giving them cash gifts.

Answer 4

Charging guests to attend, essentially selling tickets to your reception, is atrocious.

The "cover your plate by giving a big enough gift" thing is also a huge etiquette MYTH, and I have the Miss Manners article to prove it.

Yes, it is all disgusting behavior. People have no sense of etiquette or manners anymore.

MISS MANNERS ARTICLE:
Myth Manners

Sunday, February 1, 2004

When Miss Manners yanked etiquette back into the American consciousness a quarter of a century ago, she thought she was dictating to clean slates. A generation that had rejected courteous behavior with the devastating and high-minded argument that it was unnatural had produced a subsequent generation innocent of its rules.

Yet certain notions of etiquette have such a powerful hold as to survive. Unfortunately, they all happen to be wrong. Nevertheless, even people with no discernible manners cling to them and are outraged if others do not.

Here is an incomplete list of persistent etiquette myths:

- That wives who have used their husbands' names may no longer do so when they are widows.

- That invitations don't need to be answered unless there is a specific request to that effect, and preferably a stamped card and envelope with which to reply.

- That it is rude to invite a single person anywhere without the option of bringing along a date.

- That all announcements and invitations concerning milestones in the hosts' lives require the recipient to send a present -- except for a death, which requires sending the bereaved a check.

- That it is the obligation of people who expect presents to make known what they want.

- That the monetary value of a wedding present must equal the amount spent on the guest's entertainment at the wedding reception.

- That a bride has a year in which to thank people for sending wedding presents. Or that she cannot begin to thank people until after the wedding.

- That purchasing a greeting card is more thoughtful than writing a letter.

- That formal letters should be written on small, fold-over cards known as "informals."

- That a donation to charity counts as a present if you tell people you have given it in their name.

- That it is generous to direct other people to give money to charity in your name, using funds you would otherwise expect them to spend on you.

There is not a word of truth in any of this.

Answer 5

I'm with you, Storm. I have never heard of some of these goings-on until I came on Answers last year. I'm in my mid-40s, have a huge circle of friends and family, so that's meant lots of weddings of all different kinds over the years. Very few people register for gifts, and of course none of these types of things you mention - in my experience.
The reception is for having your friends and family celebrate what they witnessed at the ceremony - the couple being joined in marriage. They are the couples' guests, and need to be treated as "honoured" guests to boot. This business I've read on here about brides wanting to "recoup" at least the amount of the plate is absolutely ridiculous. Same with those not hosting an open bar. (unless it's a religious thing, which I totally get).
And this "new" business about wanting to find a nice way to ask for money instead of whatever gift someone chooses to give is just nuts. I've tried my best on questions to give some sanity to this item without being rude myself, but just explaining that gifts are not "required", people gift a couple because they want to, to give them something to help start out their married life together. It's not the guests' fault that some couples have lived together, and have a house and all the accoutrements!
So, I agree with your statements, and believe that most sane, mature women (and men) would as well. It seems that too many girls want their "dream" weddings, but are not willing to compromise when their dreams overtake the budgetary restraints of the amount of money she and her bf can save to pay for the wedding. I think that's a huge problem - the new "culture of entitlement" rears its ugly head!
Happy Weddings, everyone!

Answer 6

I think that to expect guests to pay for anything is just rude, if it is looked on as a cash cow or gift grab, then do not call then guests they are paying spectators, and I just can not see weddings going this route, but now a days you just never know

Answer 7

Wow, that's the first I've heard of that tradition. I would never request money from my family and friends. It's like selling seats to a wedding, how absurd! I think that you should never expect anything, because then you will always be let down. Appreciate what you get, and if you want to be cheap, get married in Vegas!

Answer 8

I have NEVER heard of a bride and groom requesting money to attend their wedding. The inviation should come as no strings attatched! They should just be happy you are there to share their day. If I ever got an invitation like that I wouldn't attend.

Answer 9

I understand what you are saying. It is an expectation that if the bride and groom have an extravagant wedding, that the gifts are bigger. I don't think it's the bride and groom that set this expectation as much as it is the person who attends. I know our general rule we my husband and I go to a wedding how we determine the level of gift is the level of the wedding. It helps us.

Answer 10

we are planning a wedding right now. it's tacky to make other people pay for your reception. you don't invite people to a party and expect them to pay.
if you can't afford a reception stay at the house, have a cook out or have a pot luck.