should i see him or not...?

Question

ok...
i haven't seen my dad in 3 years now. he was an alcoholic and drug addict and he abused my mother and family but never physically, just verbally and emotionaly. when i was 12, me, my mum and my brothers and sister had to leave the house in the night because we were too scared to stay. he saw us and tried to grab my little brother and told him he loved him and he wanted him to stay with him because my mum was a bad person. he kept shouting and crying and it was just horrible. i still have flashbacks of that day...
so he moved to another flat and we had to go and visit him every sunday. i dont really remember much of that except that it was very awkwardand i didn't like it. eventually, my mum decided she didn't want us to see him anymore, so she went to court about it. the judge said that i didn't have to see him because i was old enough not too, but the others did. i was 13 then. now i'm 16.
he met a woman on the internet shortly after and moved to italy to live with her. but it

didn't work out, so he's coming back. i'm so scared i'm going to meet him in the street or something. i know he wants to see me, but i feel so scared at the thought of ever seeing him again. he hurt me so much and i was so upset i ended up cutting myself and bad stuff like that.

but my mum says i should go and see him before it's too late because i'll feel really guilty otherwise.

what should i do?

Answer 1

You have a sad story that hit my heart deeply. Do you see him is a hard question. If he is an alcoholic and drug addict and has not gotten any help, he has not changed. The only thing that has changed is he has just move to a different relationship. If he has gotten help then you should think of seeing him on a limited basis. If he is not gotten help, your first instincts are correct. Nothing good comes from alcohol and drugs. It only hurt the ones we love. You have been hurt so why continue to bring on my additional hurt. You mother did the best thing for you by leaving and if he really love you all, he would have seen that and gotten help. If he didn't then he loves his addition more and you less. Think hard about it. Be strong and you will make the right decision. It is not you, you are not to blame. It is his problem. You don't need to hurt yourself, you should feel good for being grown up enough to understand he is sick but sometimes touch love and not seeing someone is the best way. If you talk to him, tell him you love him very much but until he gets help with his addition you will not see him, blame yourself for his problem. He has chosen this life style and you choose not to participate in it with him. You will be more than happy to have him back in to his life once he comes clean and ends his addition thru medical help. Good luck

Answer 2

Wife of a recovering alcoholic here.

My answer:

1) See him.....BUT under strict supervision with someone you trust.

2) Get counseling! Why? You cut yourself to try to match the physical pain to your emotional pain.
***I am not a cutter, but I used to relish having minor surgical procedures performed without the use of novicaine.

3) Should you choose not to ever visit with the only father that you will ever have, you need to ask yourself if you can live with this decision should he pass away.
***Sometimes confronting your painful past isn't in doing so for the other person, rather for yourself as you will need closure or risk going unhealed for the rest of your life.

4) Should you agree to see him WITH a 3rd party, I would strongly suggest that it should take place only to explore issues in how he hurt your mother, brother and you and that a sincere apology is in order.

*****Moggy: You are in control of this potential visitation, you are the one who calls the shots. He messed up the situation for the family causing the ultimate break up. You, your mother and brother are entitled to his acknowledgement and apology. Should you not receive this, cut the visit short and wish him well.

Moggy--Above is my sincerest advice solely based on experience. When my husband refused to acknowledge his addiction and get treatment, I left the area and moved back home. Since then, he's received treatment with the admission of his dependency and we're going to reunite after a 10 month separation. Miracles do happen. You just have to hope for the best for you father. It's the illness that caused him to abuse you and your family, not your father. If you're able to see the situation in that light, it'll be much easier for you to forgive him and get closure.

Best of luck to you and your family...

Answer 3

Personally I would see him but under my terms and with someone that you trust - don't let him leave you feeling like this. If you see him you will probably see a sad, old man because that is what alcohol does to people. If you don't see him you will never move on from the memories that he has left in your mind. See him and tell him how much he hurt you and get him to apologise for what he put you through - good luck

Answer 4

Just wait for it to come. Don't be scared b/c then he will be more mad at your mother. This is because he never got to be around you and he will think that she put all this stuff in your head about him. You don't want to do that. Just you are going to feel different but be nice and suddle but make sure you are not letting him get to close to you. You don't want your father to do that to your family again. Good luck honey and don't worry about it you will be fine.

Answer 5

First you have no reason to see him at all. He is the one that has harmed you, you owe him nothing right now and you have done no wrong. If the thought of seeing him causes you to harm yourself then do not agree to see him. But do try to get help for yourself and dont allow pressure from others to control you. If he is getting his own help there maybe someday he will want to see you, if he admits the harms that he has created. You do not have to do anything to connect with him until you are ready or not connect ever. It is all up to you, you have control over who you see or dont see.

Answer 6

Don't feel like you have to see him, but if you decide to go ahead and meet up then take someone with you as a support person, just in case the meeting gets awkward. Don't expect too much, just meet him if you are comfortable with it. Good luck...

Answer 7

your older and wiser now , you don't know or want to know what went on with him and your mother . i say meet him and make up your own mind , maybe you'll find you don't want to know him or maybe not , but if he dies you'll know that you gave him a chance . everybody has good times and bad in life and it would be a shame to judge your father on what might have been his lowest point . also those that have been that low and paid the price (he lost his wife and kids remember) often do when they get out of the gutter tend to be very understanding and positive people . i hope it works out because we only get one mother and father .

Answer 8

Tell him, "Dad are you still alcoholic, drug addict and abusive? If that is the case, I don't ever want to see you again. Please, change for the best. Life is short and you have made a lot of mistakes daddy, it's time for you to change and it's better for your health too. If you are not willing to change, we are not going to see each other no more."

Answer 9

you been thru alot, your old enuff to decide what you wanna do yourself its ok your mum saying go see him but only go see your dad if you want too and you feel comfortable with seeing him again after such a long time, my dad treated me like dirt and my mum wen i was little and my mum left him and i went too, and wen i was 15 i went to see my dad but he hadnt changed at all, i aint never seen my dad since, but thats me, i needed to see if my dad had changed, it up to you wether you wanna go see your dad and see if he changed or not, wish u good luck

Answer 10

I think you should visit him because he is your father and if he want to see you yet it mean that he love you alot .if you try love him more than now you will not scared to see him.