Questions about having a stepdaughter...?

Question

I have been with my husband for 2 years now and we have been married for just over a month. He had told me when we got together he had a daughter who was 12 and he hadnt seen her since she was a baby. Now he has been in contact with her for a couple weeks. I feel like my family dynamic has completely changed, and I am feeling like she is going to take away from my family. I feel a little jealous of her and I am uneasy about him talking to his ex. Is this normal to feel like this or is there somthing wrong with me? Also I am 10 weeks pregnant and I have a 11 month old baby boy, could it just be I am feeling this way because I am pregnant and emotional?

Answer 1

Not all men are constantly looking to hook up with an ex. Two years, two babies and a wedding say he's pretty into you.

Yes, it would be normal to be concerned about how the step daughter will fit into the picture. But, you can have a great bit of influence on that.

Remember she's a child that is in an awkward and confusing relationship with her father. Give her a little bit of breathing room. Give her and your husband opportunity to grow into a relationship.

When she's in your home, be firm with the rules, fair with the judgments and loving in all things. Suddenly meeting Dad is more chaos than any child needs at 12 years old. If you can remain a strong, loving constant in her life then you will be a great role model and someone that she (someday) can grow to love.

Let her be a part of the pregnancy too. Include her in discussions about baby names, nursery decorations, books on what to expect. She'll feel more apart of the family and she'll accept your role as her step mother better.

Answer 2

That's pretty much a powder keg.

if this was a new relationship, I'd say his wife was making a play for him, with jealousy in her mind. But you say this has lasted 2 whole years.

So it looks like you got pregnant 3 months or so after you met him. Not uncommon. Now you are pregnant again.

Really I think, without knowing more, it is that he might have always wanted a relationship with his daughter. He told you he had one. So now she's here. Talking to him. And his ex, which you also knew about. All relationships with divorced people are like that.

So it's just complicated. He has been in contact with her for a couple of weeks, it might be just he's trying really hard to catch up, and likely it will slow down, as he returns back to his life with you. You obviously thought you'd have just him at the start of this marriage. Well, this is just a new challenge.

Warning signs would be: His ex-wife and he spend long times together, or his daughter startes making comments about one big happy family, as she might try to get her mom and dad back together again, since she's still young.

Tactics I would use are:

Go with the flow. Give it a month, and see if the father -daughter thing lets up.

Ask him, in a non-accusatory way, how he feels about seeing his daughter now.

Since his daughter is part of his life, try very hard to make friends with her, or at least be neutral, but not cold. If you go cold on her, it will drive a wedge between you and him because he'll be in the middle. Watch out for the reverse from her, or the ex.

But really, these people were alive, he told you, and there it is.
He's been with you 2 years, and did marry you. That should say a lot. He didn't rush into it, unless he was with you, while married to her, still. If so...Can't really help you on that, and if that was the case, seriously watch out. Maybe the former family never thought he would marry you.

So, it might be a growing and learning process for you.

If his daughter is mature enough and trustworthy, you might swing a deal where she ends up watching your son, in a few years, for extra cash. Hard to say, without meeting all the actors.

But I'd just give it time, and observation. Good luck.

Answer 3

First off, all the symtoms your feeling are normal. But you have to be careful not to get to jealous about the ex thing. Because you have to understand that he did have a different life before you came along. And so did you. But as long as the step child is around your husband will be talking to his ex all the time. They did have that child together you know. Just be reasonable about the whole thing. And just accept her as part of the family. Don't try to be a mom to her. Just be a good friend and she will accept you better. And do girlie things with her. Like take her shopping and let her help you decide what looks good for the new baby. so on and so forth.
Good Luck!

Answer 4

You are looking at this in all the wrong ways. There's no reason to be jealous of a 12 year old. She is his daughter and you should be able to welcome her into your family too.
As for the ex, he divorced her and married you. Why be worried about her? He's probably talking to her about his daughter.
Your "family dynamic" has changed but, it should be for the better. Consider what you have to offer and try to establish a good relationship with the girl. I'm sure she will enjoy being the "older sister" to your children.
I'm wondering why your husband waited so long to contact his daughter? I'm sure she's confused and wondering why all of this has happened.
Just try to be happy and work with the situation. You can be a role-model and have a very positive influence on the situation.

Answer 5

I believe that being a little jealous is perfectly normal.... ( I am a guy, but I would feel the same way) the best way [ I believe] would be to try to make good friends with her and become her best friend. after that the jealousy should subside.
He has a child and after he told you, you continued to have a relationship with him which meant that you accepted the situation you are "both" in.
being able to adapt and accept his child is not going to be an easy task, however with perseverance it is possible. I know some friends of mine [ male friends in the opposite situation] who have triumphed against the same odds. I believe it will just take time.
I know you can't replace her as being a mother, but as a parent figure, you should do the best you can to support her as a child growing up in this world.
you just need to make her feel as safe and secure as she does with her biological mother.

as for you being 11 months pregnant and having an 11 month old baby boy.
if your husband continues to treat your son (and your new baby) with the same love and compassion that he has before he met his daughter, I see no reason why will be a problem.

just remember (it sounds bad but) a little jealousy is perfectly normal, every relationship has it. just don't expect your husband to do more than usual (not less either) now that he has met his daughter

Answer 6

I raised 2 stepdaughters. One I am still close to even though her mom and I divorced some time back. My son is her half brother and I still treat her as is she is my own daughter. She is 18 and Ive known her since she was 4. My wife now does not seem to have a problem with it. She treats my son well, just like her were her own and could in no way have ill feelings toward his half sister. Families are great. Big families are better. He should not be too friendly with his ex though. I would watch that closely.

Answer 7

I have stepchildren and the first thing you need to do is stop thinking that your man is going to run back to his ex- he only wants to see and build a relationship with his daughter .This is where you come in even throw this child doesn't have your blood in her veins doesn't mean sh// if you love her she will see that your love is true and she will love her step siblings shes 12 not 3 you can talk to her she can go to the mall and movies out for lunch be her friend and let her know that you are there for her any time .If she needs you your just a phone call away you know what being a step parent is not easy but you stick to it and when they get older you'll know just how much you are loved .one more thing with you having his babies don't show favoritism Good luck and God Bless your family

Answer 8

It is completely normal to feel this way. Try looking at it in a different light. Maybe your new husband feels like a decent family man for once and wants to start taking responsibility for his daughter. You should trust in his love for you and not worry if he talks to his ex. You should support him and praise him for stepping up and finally seeing his daughter and wanting to be a part of his life. How would you want him to be with your kids if you ever separated?? Embrace the news and try to accept his daughter with open arms. She is going to feel strange and will need a friend to help her cope with seeing her father after all this time. Good luck.

Answer 9

I have been in a relationship now for 5 years with a man whom had split with his wife and had an 11 year old son. The son was very hard to get close to and tried his hardest for 4 years to get between his father and I. (he lives with his mother) little things like walking in between us, to keep us apart. Sitting on the lounge with his father so I could not sit near him.

It has taken me all this time to feel secure in my relationship, knowing that I am the one that he sleeps with at night and shares his time with.

I know what it is like to be jealous of a child, but it does get easier and you have to let your partner know how you are feeling, this has made it all the more simpler to handle.

I also had to deal with the ex ringing him every time something went wrong, in the end I had to remind him that he no longer was responsible for her.

Men are a little insensitive at times, but there hearts really are in the right place.

Give it time with the girl, remember that the child has a right to feel loved too. Sometimes we have to look at it from the other perspective. What if it was your daughter and his life had been turned around?

Best of luck.

Answer 10

its normal you feel jealous as he actually speak to her ex...

but you cant ignore the fact that he has a daughter.

you may need to invite her daughter from time to time to visit you because as she has 2 step brothers in your home and she has the right to see them too. I guess that trying to have a good relationship with her daughter and forgetting a bit of everything else could be a good idea.
Remember if her daughter comes with her mother, dont make an scene unless you really find something ugly and even in that situation you wait until your kids are away to talk about it.
Its not their fault if you are jealous or anything, and they deserve to have a relationship like brothers and sisters.