Mother is sick with cancer, I am her caregiver. Advice?

Question

My Mom has been sick with Cancer for the last 5 years. I am 26 years old and I love her to pieces. I do not want to let her down. I have been suffering with severe depression lately since she has been getting sicker and sicker and spent about 90 days of the last 130 in hospitals and emergency rooms. I wanted to try an anti depressant, but thought I was just being a big baby or something for not being able to "handle" all of this.

I have finally decided to ask my Dr, and I want to know if ANYONE out there has tried Cimbalta yet? I tried Lexapro once and did not like it. Does anyone know by PERSONAL experience if Cimbalta works? Can anyone help me find a way to get councelling although I have no insurance? I live in Tucson, AZ.

Thanks,

Meg

Hey everyone. Thanks for the advice. I can't tell you how bad I wanted to pick best answers for EVERYONE. So of the best ones I just chose the person who had the lease points in my top 3 ok? Thank you again for your help and kind words.

Answer 1

Meg,
I feel for you. I know from personal experience what it is like to be the primary caregiver with a mother with cancer.. My mom got cancer about three years ago and went through all the radiation and chemo treatments. The doctors finally told her in Dec 2005 that the treatments were just going to prolong her life about 6 months..She decided to stop them and not be miserable with what time she had left...She passed away in February 2006.

I know how you feel with the depression and the helplessness, my sister has tried a lot of the anti-depressants and she says the cimbalta works best for her. She tried the lexapro and it didn't do her any good...Your best bet is talking to your doctor and see what he/she advises. I would also read up on the side effects of whatever you decide to try. Don't worry about "being a big baby" or "not being able to handle this"....People handle things very differently and you have to take care of YOURSELF before you can be supportive of your mother...you know what I mean?

As far as finding couselling, check and see if you have a local HOSPICE organization and they can put you in contact with couselors..We had Hospice here with mom and they were very supportive and caring...Hospice will usually come in and help as much as they can with ALL aspects of care for a terminally ill cancer patients at little or no cost to you and your family. Please be sure to check and see if you have one near Tucson...

I will pray for your and yours. I hope I have helped at least a little....God Bless You!!

I looked on the internet for you and found some of these local Hospice organizations in Tucson:

hospice
Heartland Hospice
[phone]
2980 N Campbell Ave # 190b
Tucson, AZ
2.61
miles

Carondelet Hospice
[phone]
430 N Alvernon Way # 361
Tucson, AZ
0.81
miles

Tmc Hospice
[phone]
5301 E Grant Rd
Tucson, AZ
2.92
miles

Vistacare Hospice
[phone]
6420 E Broadway Blvd Ste B200
Tucson, AZ
3.54
miles

Hospice Family Care Incorporated
[phone]
6300 E El Dorado Plz # A100
Tucson, AZ
3.29
miles

Crestview Adult Care Home
[phone]
751 N Crest Dr
Tucson, AZ
0.56
miles

Camino DE Paz
[phone]
3730 E Calle Barcelona
Tucson, AZ
0.62
miles

Carondelet Hospice of Green Valley
[phone]
1802 W Saint Marys Rd
Tucson, AZ
4.16
miles

All the Comforts of Home
[phone]
4106 E 5th St
Tucson, AZ
1.06
miles

Casita Se Hope
[phone]
4232 E 5th St
Tucson, AZ
1.12 miles

Answer 2

First of all, know that this journey will be worthwhile.

You will, in later life, look back at this time and remember the heartbreak--but also the time you were able to spend with your mom.

I took care of both parents during their illnesses (cancer), which both (unfortunately) happened at the same time. It is OVERWHELMING to say the least, and it is NORMAL to be depressed, stressed, anxious, tired, etc..... At the very end of my mom's suffering I had started to sleep with the lights on because I was afraid I'd oversleep and miss something. Talk about stressed!

If there is anyone that can help you take care of her--CALL them! This is too much for one person to go through for so long. There are some things we don't really need to see our parents go through. Talk to your mom's doctors to find out if there are any services (either charities or those covered by mom's insurance) that could help you. Oncology doctors and nurses are a GREAT resource, don't hesitate to ask for help--they understand!

Call your local American Cancer Society, and find out when they offer free counseling for caregivers, family members, etc. You need to talk about this with people who've been there. Call today.

Read "CURE" magazine. It's free, and you can find it at the doctors office. It covers all aspects of cancer; even what you're going through now. Read it as soon as you can.

I had the help of Zoloft when I was a caregiver, and it worked very well for me. The psychiatrist had to up the dosage twice.

Try what is suggested by your doctor. If at first it doesn't work, the dosage may need changing, or you may need something different....all quite NORMAL. Some anti-depressants may give you insomnia; if this is the case, suggest a Trazodone prescription to the doctor. This is an old anti-depressant from the 70's that has a mild sedating effect you take at night. Sometimes taking the two together can balance you out nicely.

Since you don't have insurance, contact the numbers below to help you find the right provider--you may not have to pay anything if you can prove financial difficulty (last years tax forms, etc). They'll help you not only with the meds, but also with counseling--this is CRUCIAL! You must get into some form of counseling to help with the stress you're under.

Hang in there!

Good Luck to you & Mom!

----------------
Arizona Contacts:
Statewide Information and Referral Contacts:

Mental Health Association of Arizona
Tucson: 520-882-4806
800-MHA-9277

Arizona Alliance for the Mentally Ill
602-244-8166
800-626-5022

Community Information and Referral
Maricopa County: 602-263-8856
Other Counties: 800-352-3792

Mental Health Advocates Coalition of Arizona
602-225-2440

Our Family Services
Tucson
520-323-1708

Regional Information and Referral Contacts:
Community Partnership of Southern Arizona
(Pima, Cochise, Graham, Greenlee, and Santa Cruz Counties)
Pima County: 520-325-4268
Sierra Vista: 520-417-9430

Toll free: 800-959-1063

Answer 3

Meg:
I am so sorry that you have been dealing with all this stuff. I totally understand where you are coming from in regards to the depression, the debate about using an anti-depressant.
I know what it feels like; I lost my father 6 months ago to esophageal cancer after a 2 year battle (he didn't drink or smoke). I am 28 yrs old and I too struggled with the idea of going on an anti depressant because I felt that he didn't need to know that I was falling apart. I finally realized that the best way I could help my mom take care of him, and be there for him emotionally (though it was difficult at times) was to take care of me. I noticed that if my mood was upbeat and cheery; he seemed to have better days. I personally have not tried Cymbalta but I do hear that it is better than Lexapro. I have been taking Lexapro for the past two years (seems like everytime I try to come off it - I end up back in the bleak, black hole).

As for counseling - look up counseling/counselors in the blue pages or yellow pages of the phone book (or check with your religous affiliation), don't be afraid to ask if they offer free or payments on a sliding scale (which is what I do). I've been in counseling (here in the East Coast of USA) for over a year now, and most likely will continue for another year.

Meg, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family as you deal with these difficult days ahead. Believe me in that you are NOT letting her down. You're taking care of yourself which in turn is helping her. Just being there and being a wonderful daughter to your mom is the best medicine for her.

Mer

Answer 4

Meg, That is a HUGE burden that you have on your shoulders.

You state that you love her to pieces (in a good way).
May I point out some ways in which loving her to pieces can be a problem for both you and her:

1. She is going to pieces before your eyes. Sicker and sicker and in the hospital most of the time. Despite your best efforts, she is going downhill. That IS depressing and makes you feel like a failure though you do the best that you can.

2. You are deteriorating (into pieces). Don't want to let her down, etc. It sounds like the only way you believe is an acceptable strategy for her care is for you to do it. That cannot possibly be true. Particularly if your health declines as a result. What would happen if other people cared for her for 3-6 months? Do you sincerely believe that would be "letting her down"?

Answer 5

First off, I totally know what you are going through as I have been there with both parents and my best girlfriend who all have passed away. It is the hardest job in the world being a caregiver and you and I both know it. I wish you all the best everyday for hanging in there with your mom.. You will NEVER regret it so be patient and sweet because you never know when she might not be with you anymore... Bless your heart ..
As far as Cimbalta? I need something while going through the 4 years of helping my folks and I was put on busbar for anxiety and zolof for about 1-2 years and they worked outstanding.. All the anxiety and lows went away in about two weeks and I was able to cope very well with every situation ... After I was relieved of my duties and alone I continued to be on them and finally weaned my self off of everything. It took several months to do this..
I then got two more shocks that just about did me in.
I asked my doctor if I could try a new drug and he gave me cimbalta. I guess he forgot, How? I have no idea, but I am hypo=throid and these drugs do not do well together.
They can be letal... I also tryed Lexapro and I did not like it.
It was the worse experience of my life.
I am now not on anything and hopefully wil remain this way. When I have anxiety attacks it is usually because I am worrying about how to pay for this bill or that bill.
I have found that reading a prayer book of sorts instantly takes it all away and also makes me sleepy.. Seriously.
Try it. I am trying to stay away from meds now.
I feel doctors prescribe things and go way over board.
I also was told to go to a phychritirst and not just a general MD...This is what I would reccommend to you.
Please see a specialist who can give you what is right for you without you being a guiney pig..

Answer 6

First of all, I'd just like to say that I'm sorry you're going through all this. It must be so hard for you. I sincerely wish you well. Secondly, it's not being "weak" to go on antidepressants. Studies have shown that sometimes people become depressed as a result of changes (such as hormone fluctuations, seasonal affects, etc.) so it is most definitely not a sign of vulnerability to get help to control whatever it is making you depressed.

Since I don't live in Arizona and I haven't tried Cimbalta, I'm not sure I can help in that area, but I have heard of various organizations that offer free (medical) counseling, and I think if you do a little research (probably online) you'd be able to see if there are any counselors in your area.

Again, I wish you good luck. I hope for a speedy recovery for you and your mother.

Answer 7

I really do feel for you hun. You are literally living in hell at the moment. I know how you feel - i looked after my grandad whilst he was dying from cancer. Thankfully it was only 6 months - I couldnt bear seeing him suffer so much.

You are thinking of your mom so much right now - you still need to take some time out for yourself, or you could be heading for a breakdown.

Get some respite help - there must be someone who can take over just for a day or two and give you some 'time out'

I really dont know anything about those pills - sorry hun. I do think you are right to take something though. You are not weak for not being able to 'handle it'. It is a living nightmare - the person you love the most in the whole world is suffering and you cant make her better, only more comfortable. Dont beat yourself up about needing pills - it will do you more good now to take something.

Keep your chin up love - take care, I hope everything works out for you.

You will be in my thoughts

Answer 8

I know you are grasping at straws. I've been there. I took care of my sick great grandmother from age 14 until I was 21 when she passed. I have never taken Cimbalta, but I can tell you that every medication effects different people in different ways. What may work for someone else, may not work for you. You may even be able to ask one of your mothers doctors if they can help you out considering you don't have insurance. It is not easy being in the position of a caregiver and I am sure there are on line chats for people who are in the same boat with you that may help you in getting your feelings of sadness off of your chest. My prayers are with you both.

Answer 9

Hi Meg

Places like Catholic Charities or any church minister can help with counselling for no charge.

It's hard to have someone you love that has cancer. I am a survivor, my dad had bladder cancer and most of my family has died of cancer, my best friend fought a 4 year battle and lost, I was her caregiver. It was so hard watching her struggle. I totally understand how you must feel. hugs.

It's ok to cry Meg, cry and let your feelings out. I have 2 friends that used different online blogs to write their feelings, they kept us up to date on how things were, we could write back too, even strangers on one could comment and give support. Join a support group. That is what I did in Kat's honor, my friend. Now I'm owner of Lymphland.com and help people that have side effects (lymphedema) from cancers and some are just born with it. It's a good feeling to know you help people from your experiences.

For your mom, just try to encourage her to do things she wants to and can do, encourage her to talk, talk about the old days, when you were little, special memories, let her vent if she needs to, do what you can for her but let her be independent too, if she wants to get up and get a glass of water, let her. If she's feeling awful, make her dinner. Bring her things she likes, flowers, books magazines, movies, things that will help her forget she feels awful and things you can share with her too.

I know Kat never wanted to talk about her cancer. I felt so empty and like we didn't talk about things, like a resolution, did she have something to say if she would have believed she was dying? she never let on she knew if she did. Those are important things to talk about. Your mom is probably scared like you probably are too. I know I was scared.

I know you don't have lymphedema, but if ever you want to talk please give me a holler or stop in to my support group ok? www.lymphland.com if you click on the tina figure that is my personal email.

hugs, tina

Answer 10

Don't be afraid to seek some free help. Hints and support from people in your community exist. Check charity and elder care organizations, or even cousins and relatives or friends who are doing the same.(That's what we're doing to cope with our situations.)

This caregiver role is difficult, but it's very common now days. It is a strain and you are fully justified in understanding that you must take care of yourself, too.

I'd say good luck. But with the job we must do, I'll just say, "Have strength." Your job is to make sure that your loved one is safe and as comfortable as possible; that's all you can do.