Should I stay or go? You decide?

Question

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years and we have been talking about moving fwd with our lives (marriage, kids, etc.) however we both can't get over the past hurts we've caused each other and the resentment is really hurting our relationship. We both love each other very much and are trying to stick it out. I don't know if leaving is going to be best for me or worst. What would you do?

Answer 1

I would drag my partner to relationship counseling and, if we still can't move past the hurts, I'd break up with her. The resentment over the past is a toxic poison and, like acid, will eat away at both of you if you stay together. You definitely DON'T want to bring kids into that kind of toxic relationship. It will screw them up for sure!

Answer 2

If it were me, I wouldn't take it any further. If you are considering marriage and are having doubts about it even now, then I don't think the marriage will survive, especially if you both are dealing with past resentments today. At the same time, what is the extent of the hurts you have caused each other? Cheating? Problems with lying? Those problems are huge. Don't ignore those things.

On the other hand, if it's something as simple as fighting as a couple, well, that's called love. You love him, you hate him. You just don't walk away from someone you made a history with over a couple of silly fights. That's normal. It's expected. And it's called communicating.

But, you know your relationship with your boyfriend better than anyone who will answer this question. Go with YOUR gut feeling. At the same time, if there are little "red flags" or warning signs that go up in the back of your mind, don't ignore those.

Good luck.

Answer 3

I've been through that and the mistake we made was not going to a counselor together and talking about what we did and how we could get over it. And know we have 3 kids married and fighting everyday like cat and dog. We do love each other but don't trust one another. WHAT YOU NEED TO DO IS GO TO COUNSELING IF YOU BOTH LOVE EACH OTHER ENOUGH THAT YOU ARE TALKING MARRIAGE AND KIDS THEN THE BEST OPTION IS GETTING EVERYTHING OFF YOUR CHEST SO THAT WHEN YOU DO SAY "I DO" AND START YOUR NEW LIFE THAT YOU DON'T HAVE ANY HANG UPS ABOUT THE PAST. YOU COULD TRY WRITING DOWN WHAT EACH OF YOU DID THAT HURT THE OTHER, TELL EACH OTHER YOU ARE SORRY HOW MUCH YOU MEAN TO EACH OTHER AND YOU WILL NEVER HURT EACH OTHER AGAIN THEN BURN THAT PIECE OF PAPER AND TELL EACH OTHER THAT ALL IS FORGIVEN AND FORGOTTEN. AND IF YOU LOVE EACH OTHER THEN YOU WILL NEVER BRING ANYTHING UP AGAIN

Answer 4

Sometimes space is just the thing to make a relationship grow stronger and the mind clearer. Take time away from the stress and the strain be 100% clear about what you want and need in a relationship. Evaluate whether he possess those qualities or if you're using emotions and a weakened self-esteem to stay in a relationship that is familiar instead of exploring something new. Sometimes we stay where we're familiar because we want to try to work it out until everything try is exhausted but you never get time back and regrets are too heavy a burden. Love is never enough to make a relationship work, remember that. You need a strong foundation and a mutual commitment based on spiritual growth and common interests. There is no growth within your spirit in the midst of deceit and resentment, only death.

Answer 5

I know what you mean and have to tell you that leaving will be painful for years and will cause you endless frustration as you try to move on alone. But a relationship that has the troubles that you began describing here is perhaps past its used-by date.
If you can't forgive and forget, then a marriage is going to be plagued by the same issues... and really, if you're asking for advice, you already know what you want to do... you already know you want a fresh start and that you deserve marriage and kids with someone who hasn't damaged you and you haven't damaged him...
It's hard - breaking up hurts, moving on hurts and it really can take years... but i wouldn't go back now that I have finally moved on. I was worth a lot more.

Answer 6

I would forget about the past and move foward.. I am actually in the same position as you and it is affecting my relationship... but I think the best thing is to let the past go and move foward. Leaving won't be the best in my opinion.. but I have thought about it. I feel you two should just have a long talk together, in person, doing something you love or in private... tell each other how you feel and just say it is something of the past and that you learned something from it.

Answer 7

Its up to you. Maybe you both could use some counseling to help you get out the hurt. Or maybe you should take things slow for a while. Think more about the good times then the bad ones. You two should sit down one night and just have a heart-to-heart discussion about your problems and hopefully you two can find a way to make things right. and if not, hey, there are other fish in the sea.

Answer 8

You haven't told me about your relationship but from what I know is that you both have done things in the past that you two are not particular proud of. I think you two should sit down and talk about everything before you do move forward because this is a big step. The decision is totally up to you.

If you think you can make it work and you love each other then stay but make sure your ready before moving forward.

Answer 9

3 years is a long time to start over. Your past hurts should be just that - "Past". If you both got through them and are still together than you have survived the worst life has to offer from another person. I would say as long as the hurt was just mental and not physical, then give it a go. If there was physical abuse, I wouldn't walk away, I would run as that is a signal for future physical actions.....

Answer 10

From my experience, both of you MUST resolve your issues. Otherwise it can breed contempt. If things start getting difficult during the marriage those issue may arise and you will be dragged through the memory again. If you are both able to keep looking forward and keep building new memories, marriage can be fantastic. People are always quick to promote counselling, so chances are it will help in making your decision - so long as you both make the effort. Best Wishes !