Being snubbed by "older" moms?

Question

At my daughters school,I do playdates with the moms(young and "old"). At my son's school,NO mom talks to me past "hello". Im friendly and initiate conversation but it never leads to a get together. Im often told I look young(like 19) but Im 26,I dont dress like trash,Im very parental,(especially when Im with my kids)I just cant understand why they want nothing to do with me.
So,I ask you "older" moms do you just not like getting together with "younger" moms"?

HUSBAND SAYS ITS BECAUSE I LOOK YOUNG AND IM HOT,BUT WOULD THATSTOP YOU FROM TALKING TO SOMEONE?

Answer 1

I know JUST how you feel...but I was snubbed by YOUNGER moms! I had my son at age 37, so most of the mothers of kids his age were in their late 20's, early 30's by the time he got to school. They were ALSO very different culturally (rural, isolated, non-college-educated) and had different ideas about how to raise kids.

IMO, there is NO group more judgmental and unforgiving than mothers! They all think they're perfect and THEIR way of parenting is the best. They'll exclude anyone different, just like a flock of hens! Ugh.

I feel bad for you...it also affects your poor child, I think (it affected mine). I'd look around for a group of younger women with kids...trust me they ARE out there (I taught them in high school for several years!). You might try some of the Social Services in your area or look in the paper for parenting groups.

Avoid women who are "class conscious" (drive huge SUV's, drop off their kids in the AM, dressed in designer fashions!) and seek out more "hippie"-type moms. Even the older ones will be MUCH more open to welcoming you.

What you're dealing with is the "Stepford-wife" sydrome! You'll never be "perfect" enough for them and they're all boring robots anyway, so don't even try to please them! Join a group that has YOUR interests, even if it doesn't have to do with kids per se.

It's not a question of age, but of shallowness. If you find truly nice people, it won't matter what age they are! Good luck to you!

P.S.: To the person who made the NASTY crack about how "not everyone can hang out at home playing w/their kids"...BAD FORM! This person NEVER said she did that and if she DID, so what??! If a woman OR MAN gets the chance to stay home with the kids, its better for them! I had to work when my kid was 6 mos. old and I wish I hadn't! Often, WE DON'T GET A CHOICE! So who the hell are YOU to sit in judgment, just because you have a job???! I NEVER DID THAT! SHAME on you!

Answer 2

Please don't feel hurt. I've always been friendly with all the moms at my kids' schools and activities. However, I have more in common with my friends than just being a mom (some aren't even parents).
I didn't start having kids until I was 32. Now, I'm 41 and you are 26 - that is a 15 year age difference. Would you go out of your way to make friends with someone 15 years, or 10, or 8 years younger than you? You'd probably be courteous, but it is likely that your life experiences are too different.
The age differences diminish with time (as of course you wouldn't develop a close friendship with an 11 year old). When I was in my 20's, I didn't have any friends in their late 30's or 40's, but now in my 40's I have friends ranging in age from 32-70! Give it time. You sound caring and heartfelt. Please don't take it personally.

Answer 3

I am really sorry that you are being treated this way! One would think people grow out of the clique thing, but alas, it just gets worse as we get older. I think mothers as a group are the most judgmental, period. Motherhood is laced with all kinds of emotions and women would use that as an excuse to dislike and criticize other moms for the smallest reasons.

I am 36 and a stepmom to a 13-year-old and I can't tell you how much harassment and cold shoulders I've gotten from stay-at-home moms because I chose not to give up my career as a lawyer. I know it feels horrible to be excluded, but you can't assume that it's because there is something wrong with you.

I think that older moms can be incredibly snobbish. They often assume that younger moms are immature, foolish, and uneducated. I have heard some women say things like "what can that silly little thing know about being a mother" to other moms at school. It's nasty and cruel and ridiculous, but people will be people and if they are looking for a reason to exclude you, they'll find it.

You sound like a sweet and caring person and perhaps instead of trying to impress those stuck-up hens you ought to focus your attention on other ways to meet moms in your neighborhood.

Answer 4

As an "older" mom, been there. I could never quite figure it out myself. The best thing I could come up with was cliques. Or just the age difference thing. I find that I get more respect from teachers and other parents now that I'm older, however. But hang in there. Keep on being friendly and maybe they'll come around after they get to know you better. As for now, look to the younger group of parents for support and friendship. They're probably thinking the same thing you are.

Answer 5

I didn't do the preschool thing, but hung out in the neighborhood with moms while the kids played. Typically, it was moms our (older) age and not the young ones, but one or two young moms hung with us over the years. It was more a matter of commonality of interests - in our group's case, women who liked to talk politics, religion, sociology, psychology, kids. People who were educated, and in fields that interested us. Also, there were older moms who didn't share the interests of our group, but had the poise and self-confidence tø hang out with us or anyone else when they wanted.

If I wanted to arrange a get together, our kids would need to get along, otherwise things weren't enjoyable. If our kids did get along well together, get togethers were eagerly planned.

I think older moms would not automatically see youth as a disadvantage for you, because younger moms, because you are more connected to the current culture and 'cool.'

I find the biggest divide has always been between women who spend the bulk of their waking hours at work and those who spend the bulk mothering. They're so often in different worlds.

Or your husband could be right. Lots of women are weird that way.

Answer 6

First of all, the snubbing goes both ways...and all the way around. I'm an "older" mom (34) although I don't feel too old at all. I was the oldest in my birthing class, and my husband and I felt a little odd. I know that I'm older than most if not all of the mommies in the baby in me class here locally.

Your husband might be right, it might be because you're young and hot....although I haven't seen you, so I'll reserve comment....LOL.

When my boys were younger, I was considerably heavier, and the "pretty moms" snubbed me, and since I've lost all that weight, other people snub me.....

People put too much weight on first impressions....

I'd just walk up, smile like you're clueless to their behavior, and they'll either embrase you because they learn that you're a great lady/mom, or they'll think you're a bit crazy, and need friends!!

Chin up!

Answer 7

That's really sad. I'm sorry that you are having that experience. I am an "older" mom (I'm 38 and my son is 6) and I've been friends with some of my son's friends' mothers who are much younger than I am. We have our differences of course, but we also have something major in common: our children! If you're not already involved in your son's school's PTA, you could try that. You can also volunteer to help when they have fundraisers, Family Fun Nights, etc. I work full time and am raising my son alone, but I try to get to as many of these functions as possible.

Honestly? I would just focus on the friendlier moms at your daughter's school. They sound more like the kind of people you'd want to hand around with anyway. As for your son, maybe you could try letting him give a note to his friends to see if they want to come over for a play date after school one day or on a weekend. I've done that and it works sometimes!

Aloha! :) Thanks for being a good, caring parent.

Answer 8

For the same reason all of the names used in adoption are contested depending on who you are in the adoption situation. "Birthmom"--not. "First parents"--is it a contest? "Real Parents"--depends on who you ask. "Natural parents"--does that make AP's "not natural"--I could go on an on and on and have a herd of angry people sending me private emails that would make your toes curl. There seems to be a lot of that lately. "Guardianship"=Mom and Dad--I am sure we can scare up a few who will disagree with that too. You wrote: Is the opposition to the idea of permanent guardianship or issuing adoption certificates and leaving the OBCs alone because altered BCs actually LIST the titles of "mother" and "father"? Actually your logic just personally doesn't apply to how I feel at all. I disagree with any amendment of the birth certificate but I also think that with all of the red tape and paperwork that comes with the whole world that needs this documentation for whatever reason doesn't need to know any details associated with the circumstances about how my children came to be in my home--it is something they can share when they want to. It opens up questions for them that are inappropriate and they shouldn't have to deal with at a young age--and don't tell me it doesn't happen---because it does--at the passport counter, signing up for school, vacations, doctors offices, you name it. Maybe I am missing this--but is the biggest issue with the word adoption or with the paperwork being changed or do you feel that perm guardianship just makes more sense (or prob all three)? I understand there is a difference but I am curious where you see the BIGGEST difference between the two options from your point of view?

Answer 9

Sometimes adult life can seem like high school all over again. See if there is one of the moms that seems a bit friendlier then the rest, start with her and then work on the others. Actions speak louder then words so give them a big smile and look very friendly. It sounds like they are intimidated by your age and looks. Good luck!

Answer 10

I'm 24 and I have this problem sometimes. Some schools are very tight knit and groups have already formed. Some people are very reluctant to venture outside their social circle. Most of the ladies that I have met myself were of the older variety. Often, at the school my child attends, it is the younger moms who are more aloof to people, other than those they meet outside school activities. Some people just really aren't very social.