I'm seeing bad qualities of my parents in me. How can I stop it?

Question

I'm a thirteen year old, and deep down, I really love my parents. But they're not exactly the most cheery or affectionate of people. My mom has a bad habit of not answering questions or responding to me at all when I try talking to her, and my dad is always so depressed that whenever you talk to him, all he does is let out these deep, long sighs and moans that make me feel horrible- like I'm nothing but a burden to him. My dad also has a big anger problem and he's always clenching his fists or stopping himself from throwing chairs into the walls and such. Anyway, I'm seeing those bad qualities coming out of me. Lately I've been frustrated because of my parents and other problems that occur, and I clench my fists and feel like pounding on something or I get so messed up on the inside that whenever someone talks to me, I just sigh like my dad, and I probably make my siblings feel bad because of it. I also don't talk as much anymore, and when I try to talk- I have nothing good to say.

My best friend and I don't see eachother a lot because we have different school classes and such, so we usually e-mail eachother daily and stuff- and now I don't even know what to say to her. It's like, when I try writing a message that she'd actually like to read, I just tell myself, "Why bother? Just give up on it all."
This isn't like me. I'm not an angsty person. I used to be this cheery, hugging little kid who would jump up and down and love going shopping with her grandma, but now I just can't take anything and I'm never feeling completely happy. Even if I am happy, it doesn't last- and I don't want to call it depression, because there are probably people out there with it 10 times worse than me... but it's just that, basically, I'm seeing that I'm developing bad habits that my parents have, and it bugs me... because I always told myself that I wouldn't be like them when I grow up and raise my kids, because I would pay attention and whatnot. But how can I change myself now?

Answer 1

Counseling. Years and years of counseling. (just joking)

Try to find school activities you can be part of, that let you make friends and develop your social skills. As you make new friends and spend time at their houses, adopt a second set of parents with traits you want in your life. Stay away from serious boyfriends for now, as that can become a drug of choice all to easily.
Your parents' behavior is dysfunctional, as most of ours were, and you are right--you will pick it up if you don't have other role models to turn to. But you are smart, and resourceful. 'Siblings' is above your grade level, so I'm betting you do well in school. Focus on the good things in your life. And be patient. I know that sounds hard right now. Best of luck.

Answer 2

I know exactly what you mean. My father sounds a lot like yours. He has a chemical imbalance equaling a bad temper. As I get older I find myself getting madder and madder about things that are really unnecessary to be upset about.

When I start acting like them, I try and stop myself and analyze the situation in my head to decide if it is really necessary to do what I am doing. Also, some time spent away from them helps. Maybe you could hang out at a friends more often or stay in school longer or go out places more frequently. Even if you are going places with them, you feel more seperated than when you are home with them, so that should help.

I know how hard it is to realize you are gaining qualities that you don't admire.

Answer 3

Hey, your parents are just thinking about you. You have to ask yourself, are they worth it (the 'friends' I mean), if you get into trouble, will they be there for you? I'd say they aren't worth the trouble, if your parents annoy you, they have what they think are your best interests at heart, and your parents know you really well. Dump these new people, they will drag you down and you will end up resenting them. Try to make new friends. Hope this helps

Answer 4

alright dear you have opened a door for me...
i was a-lot..ALOT..like you ( i did get into a little trouble here, and there...i had other circumstance)...at any rate, i have read allot of your answers. you are wise beyond your years. you have identified your potential problem (your parents) you see the way they act, and react, change it! you are very smart! if you feel yourself clenching your fists, or getting ready to "blow a fuse", take a breath instead. smile like you used to. don't hurt your self (by being bad, or whatever) "BECAUSE" of them, be SUCCESSFUL, AND LOVING "IN SPITE OF THEM" people don't understand your dilemma unless they have been there! you can't describe or explain everything you are feeling clearly enough EVER...get back in touch with your friend. if she is your real friend, she will stick it out with you. even though she may not "get it"....you can e-mail, or I'm me...look up my info (click on my avatar) you probably need some sort of counseling...we all do! it won't change your parents. they are already miserable for what ever reason, and you can't "fix" that!
good luck girl....i've been there, and survived it!

Answer 5

Modify your behavior. Try not act on impulse. Set goals you want to accomplish. Use some of your time working at odd jobs for your own pocket money. Realize that life is a roller coaster ride and sometimes you just have to hang on. Resentment can be caused by impatience and poverty and the feeling that one has little or no control over their life. Life will get better as you get older. It seems bleak now but don't give up; be a survivor.

Answer 6

Push your metabolism back up.
High metabolism means high emotions.
And high emotions means you will feel great about life, no matter HOW your parents feel.
I do this every day by using The Step. By my bed. When I go to bed, 30 steps before I lie down. When I wake up. 30 steps before I get ready to face the day. Everyone around me is miserable, I feel great. Their opinions have no effect on me.

Cannot afford The Step?. Go to Home Depot and buy a concrete block. Just wear shoes and use it like you are stepping up and down on The Step.

Answer 7

Wow, I totally congratulate you for asking the question. We ALL have tendencies we've learned from our parents. Why do kids of Chinese parents speak Chinese? Because they learned it from their parents! Why are cultures widespreading over entire regions? Because people mold to "fit in". These are learned behaviors. You are a smart girl.

It's very difficult to break out of a mold but just asking the question is totally the right step. I'm 32 and I'm still wondering what I need to correct in myself so as to not carry on to my children. My little sis has anxiety tendencies she learned from our Dad. We ALL have stuff that came with us whether we were aware of it or not.

Please trust me on this: I did it. My Dad's been married 4 times now and I've had to overcome a lot of tendencies of turning out like my Dad.

Write this down:

"I will take what's good from my parents and I will leave the rest behind."

Admire what's good in your parents. Always respect them. And respect yourself by pushing forward to develop your best qualities. Unfortunately, you have started becoming the parent in your relationship with each of your parents. You have a long road of growing pains ahead of you but I want you to know you can do it. Choose good friends as company for yourself. You really need good company to help pull you towards being able to make good choices for yourself. Your biggest trap is settling for friends who have messed up home lives. Get good grades. Take care of your character by nurturing it and surrounding yourself with all that's good. You can do it! You deserve it! Your parents come from a world of hurt! Mine sure did...

Always love your parents. Recognize that it's not about winning and the reality is that you are stuck in their household until you can provide for yourself. Make a plan. Start saving money. Cherish all you love about them. Love them. Respect them. Recognize when you have those "tapes" playing inside your head. It's preprogrammed stuff that you've heard all your life. Fill your life with new "programming": good grades, good friends, the ability to be happy on your own.

YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm so proud of you for asking the question....:)

Answer 8

It is learned behavior, yes, but I think you, too, are depressed.,

It may benefit you greatly to talk to your doctor (just your regular doctor) and see if he can't get you started on some anti-depressants. Sounds like that might be a good idea for your dad, too.

Good luck.

Answer 9

The first step is recognition of this, and you have done that. Grow from here, and stop the cycle for your own childrens sake. Best of luck.

Answer 10

Uh, change it?