Recently broke up with fiance. Met him after his divorce from 12yr marraige & became great friends. Knew he was interested in me but wouldn't date him for a yr. After 6 mo of dating he proposed. He's extremely successful, spoils me, compliments me constantly, has dinner waiting every night, rubs my feet daily & drops everything to always be with me. But when he's mad he tells me I'm a worthless piece of sh1t & points aggressively in my face. He's even poured a glass of water on me-- he was mad & couldn't sleep so neither could I. He gets jealous easy or mad if I want to spend anytime apart. We split when my brother witnessed the verbal abuse 1 night & called the cops. He says he had past issues of distrust & has come to terms with it now after 2 mo. I'm "the love of his life" and he'll do anything to make it work. I've been seeing him once in awhile, but family/friends don't approve- say he's too controlling. When with him I have second thoughts. When apart I rationalize it could work.
2007-01-27 12:40:08 · 11 answers · asked by MBinID 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
Did he get divorced because he was abusive to his wife? You can't change him so it is best to let go before you have a lifetime of abuse. Don't see him, don't talk to him. It will be hard but you MUST let go.
2007-01-27 12:47:35 · answer #1 · answered by Roc 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He needs counseling and if you want it to work, I would suggest attending a few sessions with him, at least in the beginning so that his therapist can see what you have a problem with. Often if he goes completely by himself he will paint a pretty perfect picture, when infact it is quite the opposite. Explain to him that this is the only way you will consider reconciling, if he really loves you he will want to change. If he refuses then you will see where you stand. To me, the emontial abuse often hurts so much more than physical, trust me I know! When someone hits me, the bruises fade, but when he talks to me and tells me those things, that sticks with me so much longer than a bruise ever could. Often times, I wished my husband would just start hitting me again instead of talking to me the way he does! It's no way to live and it's no relationship you should want to be in. It's hard when you love someone to walk away, but you have to put yourself and your wellbeing first at some point! Have you ever thought that maybe he overdoes everything else to make up for the abuse?! Maybe he feels that as long as he does all of those things, then the way he treats you other times is ok! But it isn't! A husband should never make you feel unworthy of living or unworthy of their love! If you have any second thoughts about it, it is because you know it isn't right! Trust your gut, I wish I had but I thought it would get better after the wedding! It didn't, it got worse! Because now it's like he thinks that marraige license is holding me there! And now I have a vested interest in this thing. Alot of time and money into the marraige and I'm not so willing to walk away, plus there's my pride! Please don't get into this situation! Insist that things change drasticly before you will get that serious again! It is possible for him to change for good, but it takes time. This is a learned behavior he has had for years, it won't be fixed overnight! If you feel he is worth it and want to work at it, then talk to him and voice your concerns. Otherwise, walk away and cut your ties! Life is too short to be treated that way! And your life is too precious to be put in a bad situation!
Good luck and email me if you want to talk. I'm there now andd you dont' want to be! jlametz@yahoo.com
2007-01-27 13:56:09 · answer #2 · answered by jen 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is tough. Of course you want your marriage to work. The only way I would go back is if he did couple's therapy. He does have control issues. He hasn't come to terms with it if he didn't go into any kind of therapy. Does he know what sets him off? Do you? For this marriage to work, you have to stand up for yourself and be honest with him. Tell him what your bottom line is. If he can deal with that, then I would try it again. People can change if they really want to, look at reformed alcoholics. Was the water thing the most physical thing he ever did to you? Never, ever go back if he ever hit/pushed, kicked you. That to me would be the straw that broke the camel's back. I wish you well.
2007-01-31 04:46:56 · answer #3 · answered by ? 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Spend time with friends to try to let go. Don't put up for the abuse. He's not going to change. He says that he will because he's desperate to get you back, but once he has you again, everything will go back to the way it was.
He needs professional help, not a punching bag.
Be grateful that your brother saved you from staying with him any longer. Your brother loves you and wants the best for you: this man isn't it.
2007-01-27 12:56:18 · answer #4 · answered by Galoshes 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Try to work through his anger and jealousy issues first IF you think it will change him BEFORE you get married or it will be a very long struggle for you after.He needs to know that you wont tolerate his behaviour and that being wonderful 99% of the time wont make up for his emotional abuse.I had a similar problem in the past and once i got tough on him and he knew i was serious he started to control his 'psycho' outbursts alot better.Also try counselling-it teaches you how to express your feelings and communicate in a much healthier way than fighting.In saying that-if you are frightened of him and think he is capable of worse,stay away.it will only be harder later on.Good luck....
2007-01-28 00:38:28 · answer #5 · answered by Jane Doe 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You're in danger if you go back to this guy. Right now, he's on his best behavior (including throwing water on you) because you're not "his" yet. If you marry, he will become increasingly abusive and hit you. Run like hell away from this guy, he could end up killing you.
Get advice from a domestic abuse group before you do anything further. You need to figure out why you accepted it the first time this guy got abusive.
Run! Run!
2007-01-27 18:04:29 · answer #6 · answered by Katherine W 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Listen to your family & friends. Don't waste any more time with this guy. He is a control freak. Cut him loose. Some of his behavior is very compelling, I'm sure, like "he compliments me constantly, spoils me, rubs my feet". This is manipulation. Do you have to wait until he beats you up, cuts you up, REALLY makes your life horrible?
2007-01-27 12:55:46 · answer #7 · answered by apples 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I'm not buying that he has come to terms with his issues in two months.
IF you want to try to make it work, tell him you will marry him in a few years, IF he goes to therapy regularly (whether you are in the room with him or just waiting outside) and can prove to you that he is ok.
2007-01-28 08:02:04 · answer #8 · answered by Terri 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Nothing to be ambivalent about - way too many red flags! Stay far away, and move on.
2007-01-28 00:06:31 · answer #9 · answered by Lydia 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like he has unresolved issues. Get counseling before you go any further.
2007-01-27 13:36:43 · answer #10 · answered by weddingqueen 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋