does anyone know of a funny quote?

Answer 1

i wouldnt want to be part of any club that would allow ME as a member.

groucho marx (somebody told me mark twain said that, but i havent confirmed that).

Answer 2

You should be more specific and pick a category, plus it is all up to the discretion of what one considers to be funny. Here is a small part of what I consider to be funny and have collected over the years.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.
Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.
My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.
A Haiku is just like a normal American poem except that it doesn't rhyme and it's totally stupid.

After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed.

Never judge a book by its movie.

If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend.
A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn't.
Money doesn't always bring happiness. People with ten million dollars are no happier than people with nine million dollars.

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.
I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
I have just returned from Boston. It is the only sane thing to do if you find yourself up there.
Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.
Never knock on Death's door: ring the bell and run away! Death really hates that!
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in.

Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.
If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read "President Can't Swim".
The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.
Too bad the only people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair.
In times like these, it helps to recall that there have always been times like these.
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.
For most of history, Anonymous was a woman.
I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.
She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.


There are a lot more.

Answer 3

Two classic live sports quotes from English TV:

from a cricket International -
The bowler's Holding, the batsman's Willie.

and from the Oxford/Cambridge boat race as the crews walked to their boats -
Here come the Oxford crew led by their cox.

and there's the timeless quip from Sir Winston Churchill (known to like a drink or two) when Lady Astor remarked angrily
"Sir, you're drunk"
he replied
"Madam, you're ugly, but in the morning I shall be sober!"

Answer 4

Becoming a grasp of drawing images is straightforward with the help of Realistic Pencil Portrait Mastery guide from here https://tr.im/7jJ8z .
With Realistic Pencil Portrait Mastery guide you will got that named Training Brain Routes and each with this session is sold with what are named “Process” or “Mind” maps. These are primarily outline summaries of that which was protected in each of the lessons.
With Realistic Pencil Portrait Mastery you will even get 100 Large Resolution Guide Photographs because in the event that you are going to training your face pulling, you then are likely to require guide pictures. That benefit includes 100 top quality dark and bright photographs made up of 70 encounters and 30 face features. Very useful!

Answer 5

Remember, if honesty is the best policy,
dishonesty is the second best policy.
George Carlin

The early bird gets the worm,
but the second mouse gets the cheese.

My lesbianism is an act of Christian charity. All those women out there praying for a man, and I’m giving them my share.
Rita Mae Brown

Most people think life sucks, and then you die. Not me. I beg to differ. I think life sucks, then you get cancer, then your dog dies, your wife leaves you, the cancer goes into remission, you get a new dog, you get remarried, you owe ten million dollars in medical bills but you work hard for thirty-five years and you pay it back and then – one day – you step off a curb at Sixty-seventh Street, and BANG you get hit by a city bus and then you die. Maybe.
Denis Leary

Answer 6

"The two biggest sellers in any bookstore are the cookbooks and the diet books. The cookbooks tell you how to prepare the food, and the diet books tell you how not to eat any of it" -Andy Rooney

"I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark" - Dick Gregory

"My grandmother is over eighty and she still doesn't need glasses. Drins right out of the bottle." - Henny Youngman

"Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something." - Plato

"Wise men don't need advice. Fools don't take it" -Benjamin Franklin

"It is fatal to look hungry. It makes people want to kick you." -George Orwell

"I always advice people never to give advice." - P.G. Wodehouse

"Honesty is the best policy, and spinach is the best vegetable." -Popeye the Sailor

Answer 7

"Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason"

"A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age."

“I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.”

“I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.”

“Love is like a booger. You keep picking at it until you get it, then wonder what to do with it.”

“I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure”

“Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.”

Answer 8

Here is one for you I hope this doesnt offend.
My name is Jimmy I use oxygen and I go for dialysis 3 times a week, I tell this to the nurses to make them laugh, they are phillipino.

Jimmy is in his hospital bed and he has his oxygen mask on. He calls the nurse over and asks her, what she thinks Jimmy is saying as its hard to hear speech properly using an oxygen mask, she hears Jimmy saying, nurse have my testicles gone black? the nurse looked amazed and asked me to repeat which Jimmy did, Nurse have my testicles gone black? at that point she undoes Jimmy's trousers and underpants and lifts his jolly rodger up having a good look over. She then pulls up Jimmys trousers and says no Jimmy everything is fine down there.
At that, Jimmy lifts up his oxygen mask and in a clear voice says to the nurse. Well thank you nurse that was very nice indeed, but that's not what I asked you, What I asked you was, nurse have my test results come back?

Again I hope I havent offended you.

Answer 9

Outside of a dog a book is mans best friend. Inside of a dog its too dark to read.
Groucho Marx

Answer 10

I personally like "Rich Folkers is throwing up in the bullpen," by San Diego Padres broadcaster Jerry Coleman, who meant to say something more like, "Rich Folkers is up in the bullpen, throwing."

"He may look like an idiot, and talk like an idiot, but don't let it fool you. He really is an idiot." Groucho Marx, as Rufus T. Firefly in "Duck Soup", referring to Chico Marx's character, Chicolini.

There are so many good ones that one could go days finding them.

Answer 11

Elvis Presley-burger king!