I'm 22 with 3 Kids and I have a question about disciplining !?

Question

I think I gave out too much information last time so heres the condensed version.

I am 22 with 3 kids, ages 8 months, 20 months and 3 years. My husband is 25 and we've been married for 3 years. Our marriage has been going wonderful for the past year but frequently we might have differences that we overcome. I am Black (Caribbean) and he is White (German/Polish)

Last night, my cousin disciplined my daughter, and my husband became upset and told her do not take it upon herself to discipline our daughter, but instead inform him.(he is the talk type of discipline) because of this comment my cousin became angry and they both started arguing.

Now my husband is mad at me, because although I didn't agree with the remarks either of them made, I am not taking sides, and I still don't see what's wrong with my cousin tapping my daughter if she's doing something she knows not to do.

So, do you let other ppl discipline your children, and/or is the talk and time-out effect better?

My daughter who was disciplined was tapped on her hand, she is 20 months old and she was pouring juice in her plate. As a child growing up in the Caribbean we got spanked as a form of discipline, and anyone in that inner circle of family was able too also with good reason.

He on the other hand is too spoiled and rather use the " Don't do that, you know better" technique.

Answer 1

If I knew who your cousin was I would report her to the police for child abuse.

You need to take better care of your children.

Violence is always wrong. All it does is teach children that violence is an acceptable way to deal with problems.

Answer 2

This is a simple answer, NO. Only the mother and father
of the child should decides on discipline issues, unless you
leave the children in the care of others. In that respect you
should inform your baby sitter or whether it be a friend,
someone hired to babysit or a relative. I'm not sure what
discipline measures that you are talking about, but if you are
talking about corporal punishment, spankings, absolutely you
should have the say. This can be different with different families.
Typically grandparents have the same rights as parents when
these matters arise, yet this is different in various ethnic and
social situations. Example, If you have a historically abusive
parent, certainly you wouldn't wan them doing this. I think
most people today would agree with your husband. I think it's
far from appropriate for a cousin to feel that they have the
right to discipline your child unless you both have a very strong
family tie, whereas she has been like a second mother to the
child and a sister to your husband.

Answer 3

Parent's don't normally like other people disciplining their children, and I do think it is the parent's right to enforce that preference. Your husband should have a say. Your cousin does not have disciplinary authority over and above the father of the children and really should respect your husband's wishes.

It may be that your husband felt your 20 month old poured the juice not with intent to be naughty and therefore communication to the child perhaps would have been more appropriate.

I think in future communication is the key if your husband prefers that your cousin or other relatives should not discipline your children.

Think how you might feel if a relative of your husband disciplined the children without your agreement.

Answer 4

I think you were wrong. As far as disciplining your children it is the parents responsibility. You should take sides with your husband. If you do not agree with the way husband discipline, talk to him in private. You did take your cousin side by not doing nothing.
Because in the long run you with live husband, you have deal with him more than your cousin. I believe your husband has a right to be upset. Your children might lose respect for your husband if his disciplining is being question by your cousin or you in front of them.

Answer 5

There are two issues here.

1 - Should children be disciplined by people other than their parents?

2 - How should they be disciplined?

I would dare to assume that if your cousin had simply said to your daughter "You're not suppose to pour juice out. Please stop." Your husband probably would not have become upset. I think the main issue here is that your husband does not believe in physical reprimands, and your cousin struck your daughter, violating his personal beliefs about child rearing.

Now, let's focus on the two issues at hand. Both are personal decisions.

Whether or not you allow other people to discipline your child is a personal choice that you must make. However, you do have to draw the line somewhere. It is very easy for parents who allow others to reprimand their children to fall into a pattern of not parenting at all, but instead depending on other people to do so. You should be the main disciplinarian (along with your husband). As far as whether or not someone else is allowed to discipline your child, my personal opinion is that you should be watching closely enough that you have already reprimanded the child before anyone else has a chance. Your daughter should not have been misbehaving long enough for your cousin to notice and smack her. You or your husband should have responded long before that, immediately when the misbehavior began, by speaking to her, removing her cup, or tapping her hand, whichever you choose. This is not an issue of HOW to discipline, but WHO should do it. Again, you simply need to discuss this with your husband and decide what both of you want to do. Perhaps it is fine for your immediate family to discipline your children (grandparents, aunts, uncles), but more distant family members should not (cousins, great aunts, etc).

Now, as for how, I must agree that physical violence begets physical violence. Let me explain....Your daughter pours juice into her plate. You smack her......What has she learned? No one told her WHY it was wrong, or even that it was...she was simply shown that when someone does something you don't like (i.e. pouring out juice), you hit them. Now, tomorrow, when your other child steals a toy from your daughter, and she hits them...Who is to blame? The child stealing the toy? The child who hit? Neither! It is YOU who is to blame!! You are the one who taught her to hit when she was upset, dissapointed, or angry. Alternately, you can explain to your daughter that pouring juice into her plate is wrong, it ruins her food, and wastes juice, and that it is behavior that is unacceptable and won't be tolerated. If she continues to do this, take her cup and or plate from her until she is ready to behave.

Another tip, most children begin playing with their food more when they've had enough to eat or are not hungry to begin with. Ask your daughter if she's done. At 20 months, she should be able to answer. Don't make her sit and force her to eat or stare at a plate of food if she isn't hungry.

Good Luck.

Answer 6

Well, generally, it's the parent's job to discipline; your cousin should have respected this; I don't blame your husband getting annoyed.I would not allow any other adult to "tap" my child for any reason. If your husband has a reasoning type of discipline and it works, that's wonderful.
I think you need to talk this through with each other, because it will become more of an issue as the children get older, so you both need to set some ground rules with each other.
I have five of my own; and babysit my sister's MUCH younger children sometimes. It would never occur to me that I would discipline anyone's child for any reason.

Answer 7

I have to say that you should always side with your husband in a situation like this. Later, in private, you can discuss the disciplining style with him. This is very important for two reasons:

1) Your children must always see a unified front. It gives them a sense of security, especially when they are young, to see that there is a single, safe environment that is consistent at all times. There is plenty of time for other viewpoints once they get older.
2) Husbands and wives must always feel supported by eachother. It will make your marriage last. That doesn't mean that you have to agree with him or support any rudeness toward your family (if he was being rude), but your loyalty must be to him now. If this comes up again, you can say something polite to your cousin that you and he prefer that discipline comes from the parent. Later, in private, you and your husband can discuss the situation.

All that being said, if by "discipline" you mean that your cousin hit your child, by all means your husband was completely right. You must *never* let anyone hit your child. If you choose to spank, make sure it is controlled and well thought out, if that's possible.

I can tell you that if my cousin or sister spoke sharply to my child, I wouldn't like it and would comment. If she hit my child, I would deck her.

Answer 8

My mother disciplines my children, as does my Mother In Law. But being 80 my MIL doesn't do much besides slightly raise her voice. My mother isn't quite so nice. This is my advice. If you don't want a family member that is taking care of/supervising your child to discipline them, don't leave the children in their care anymore.
In my previous marriage, I was forced to take sides between my mother and my ex husband. I will not do it again. I decided this time, and told both my current husband and my mother... that if they decide to argue, disagree, whatever, they will do it alone. I will not be in the middle. Yes, you should reach some sort of agreement about how your children will be disciplined. Let it be known in your circle of family that this is what you would prefer. But if your child is in another person's care it implies you trust them to care for them in all ways. I don't leave my children with someone that might not discipline them in ways I wouldn't like. Their paternal grandfather for instance. He was abusive to their father to the point of serious injury. I have made it PLAIN to my ex husband (their father) they will NOT be around him. They will not be left with him..in any manner. If I find out about it, he will no longer be able to have visitation. Period.
Good Luck.

Answer 9

I think that different cultures have different ideas on this. I personally would not take kindly to anyone else disciplining my child if they were not a family member and I would not allow anyone family or not to smack tap my child. However I have a few friends who are of caribean descent and I know that sisters,cousins aunties etc all watch out for each others offspring with no come back.

Answer 10

sorry but a 20 month old should not of even been tapped on the hand for pouring juice on to a plate, it is not your daughters fault she was unsupervised, and as for your cousin she was wrong, i would go mental if anyone other than myself or my daughter dad disciplined my children even my sisters know to come to me.
At 20 months she doesnt fully understand, tappin or spanking whatever will encourage her to do the same to other children, I dont and never will spank etc as i dont see the need for it.

Answer 11

Not to sound racist or prejudiced, but I've noticed this difference between American culture and other ethnic cultures. I've even seen the change in my own family as each generation assimiliated themselves further into American culture.

The atttitude, "no one disciplines my child but me" does seem more commonly held here than in other cultures, and it's an interesting issue for debate. Personally, I feel your family should respect your beliefs and methods with regard to disciplining your child, and if you can trust them to "do what you would do," there's no reason why an aunt, uncle, cousin, grandparent or other family-elder shouldn't correct and discipline your child in your absence, and then inform you of what happened.

I also believe no one outside the family, or those accepted as family, should administer discipline to your child, regardless of the method. They have every right to stop and / or correct the offensive behavior or activity, but not to administer discipline.

With regard to the method, I don't believe in blanket rules. Talk and time-out may for on your child. If it does, that's fantastic and there's no need to seek alternative methods. If your chosen method(s) do not work, then you need to seek out more effective methods.

One other thing: don't be afraid to confront one or both of them (your cousin and your husband) with your beliefs. If you feel your cousin overstepped, tell her so. If you feel that your husband is disregarding yours and your family's beliefs with respect to childrens' discipline, tell him so. You have at least as much say in your children's discipline as he does, if not more since it sounds like his methods aren't all that effective and a change may be in order.