Hang tough or throw in the towel?

Question

I'm in my late 20s and my bf of 1 year just pass 30. When during the wooing stage, he told me he's going thru divorce proceed with his ex-wife. And he has to pay to several banks monthly for the loan for their house. Which means to say he's left with less than half of his pay after every montly payment. I've kept his financial problems from my family. And i've been paying for our expenses, i don't get presents for b'day, christmas,valentine's. We recently just bought a weekend car which we agreed on spilting it. Now that bank is going to deduct thru giro ( my bank ) and he's always no money, i won't have to heart to ask him for it. He says marriage in 1-2 years time, i'm happy no doubt. But would i end up be paying for everything for my wedding. All these are wearing me out and i hardly have much to spend on myself...

I'd have to add he's working in the government body, so the benefits are there. Yes i've confirmed he's divorced.

I'd have to add he's working in the government body, so the benefits are there. Yes i've confirmed he's divorced. And yes i do care/love him alot, he's my first bf that my family truly adores. And my family's opinions matters alot to me.

Answer 1

Wow...I'm talkin with myself here! I say I'd rather be broke and happy than rich and miserable! My fiance' is recently out of a divorce which I went through with him. Yes we were and still are strugglin, but I love him more than words can say and can't imagine life w/o him. Sometimes in relationships you will hit "hard times"...what makes this any different? If you were already married would you walk out on him because of his financial state? If yes then maybe you don't really love him. If no then why walk out now. He's made a commitment to you, your family loves him and so do you. Hang in there I promise things will not be easy but they will get better. Military guys need love, patience, and understanding just like everyone else. Stay with him while he's down and he'll appreciate you when he gets back up. Last thing...reverse the situation...would you want him to leave you? It's all about being strong when/ where he's weak! That's what strengthens your relationship.

Answer 2

Oh honey, you've got yourself in a real fix. I've never met anyone who is 30 and can't pay their bills get any better at it. You need to sit him down and have a serious talk. You should not have to pay all the bills. And what's up with the weekend car? I can barely pay for an everyday car; no way on a weekend car! That's an unnecessary debt. If you won't get rid of this guy, you need to come up with a financial plan. Cut back where ever possible and tell him that he has got to help you out. Sounds to me like he is free loading off you. Stop it now or you will regret it later.

Answer 3

You sound like you are really thinking through this, and that is good. If they have already gotten the divorce, and paying her this alimony is part of the divorce proceedings, it doesn't make sense to me. Who's house is it now?
Anyway, to answer your question, unfortunately money is one of the largest problems in relationships. It can tear a relationship apart. People need to be on the same page on how to spend and earn money, and if not, relationships get to be about money and not love.
Even though you may be able to think that you two are on the same page with money, he is so tight on his that even your relationship isn't balanced. Christmas and birthdays have nothing to do about gifts bought. It has to do with thoughts received. Does he do anything for you at all during these times? He could make something, go pick flowers, go to a fricking 99 cent store to find something for you.
I am scared that his money situation is an excuse. And his situation really doesn't make sense to me either. Please do one thing for your future and that is to make sure that he pays for his half of the car. NO MATTER WHAT. Why? Because he made the decision to buy it with you, and you need to make the decision to make sure he gives you half the payment each month. This will test everything you are concerned about for your future. If he makes each payment, then you will get a better idea of your future. If he doesn't, then you seriously need to look at your future with this guy as it sounds like he is taking advantage of you. Think of this, if he hasn't bought you anything and makes you pay for all your own stuff (which isn't that big of an issue), then how could he commit to paying for half a car? Did he commit because he knew that the payment would come out of your account and that you wouldn't ask for his part of the payment?
I can tell that you love him and that you are happy otherwise, but this is a huge testimonial to what may happen.
Please don't think about paying for the wedding. Think about paying for the house payment, the car payment, everything for your kids, while he doesn't do anything about his financial situation...why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?

Answer 4

Do you really love him-I mean do YOU really love him enough to do this for him,I mean because I think its really bad that during the wooing stage which is the beginning of a relationship that this is happening, are you willing to put up that amount of money to be with this person who is clearly not 100 % available. I think thats a big investment and even more now by paying for a car which you agreed to spliting and not getting any gifts . . . Girl Friend you deserve a metal! I'm sorry I think I would thow in the towel unless you really really care for him.(Everyone is deserving of gifts even little ones that dont need to be expensive just thoughtful) Good Luck!

Answer 5

What a pickle you have put yourself into. With you living together, he may have no incentive for the two of you to get married, especially since he is so dependent upon you financially. He's got it made in the shade! If you want marriage, maybe you just are in the wrong place with the wrong guy. If you stay, all these red flags should be waving at you, most unfortunately.
My advice is for you to move out on your own, and look after only yourself financially. After all, you are single. Date him if you want, but you should not be handling his financial circumstances and their burden. If you do marry him, you will have to realize that his first family will always come first, and those financial obligations.
I understand you might love him and your family likes him, but maybe it's time for you to look after YOU a bit, and be treated much better. Some things to think about....

Answer 6

Throw in the towel. If you were really happy this question would not be here.

Side bar how much does a man cheating on his wife respect marriage? Enough to be considered remarriage material? Think about it. The second wife is normally followed by a third. How long before another twenty year old is the next other woman.

Answer 7

Sell the car, because he'll throw a fit if you try to put it in your name only. Then, get out. I kid not. Those housepayments aren't going away, and you can find someone less encumbered and more appreciative. Never getting married is a better option than marrying someone who already exhausts you. There's a reason he's already divorced.

WTH is up with no gifts at all? Even something small could be managed.

Answer 8

I think setting a budget and putting it down on paper would be the best thing to do, have things that should be split between yous and things that either one could put money on or towards, but also have how much you make a month and how much he makes than divide that into the percent yous should pay so example, he gets 32,000 a month and you get less, than he should pay more considering he makes more, but as well has extra money to spend on whatever he wants or owns himself, therefore his bills. Than you should pay for the things you use but not as much considering you dont get as much and have it so every month you have money just for youself so you can use it for whatever you want.

Answer 9

Pleeeease - do yourself the best favour ever - throw in the towel. Get out of this "relationship" as fast as is decently possible. There is nothing more guaranteed than lack of finances to sink a marriage. You can have all the love and respect in the world for each other, but that financial torpedo will sink your marriage as surely as the iceberg sank the Titanic. As I've advised others - there is someone special out there waiting for you to find him. I beg of you, throw in the towel and go and look for that someone special - he's waiting for you. Go well, and God Bless!

Answer 10

I believe, if you are asking this on here, you really already know the answer, but just need alittle reassurance. Leave him. It is not worth living the REST of your life like this! You will always be in misery over not ever having enough money. There is someone out there who will make you happy. It's just excuses from him for being a loser. It won't change. Please leave now before you regret it for the rest of you life. Your future children would suffer also. There wouldn't be enough for them to do anything. Play sports, dance classes, whatever. Or, maybe if they need something, like new shoes, can he afford to take care of them? Not. Please think this one ahead. The rest of your life depends on it. I wish you well in your decision.