I have placed my child up for adoption, what have I done wrong? Pt. 2?

Question

The hardest thing to do besides reading these posts, is understanding how some people can assume certain things. So it's best to believe that because I am 19, I am doing this because I want to "go clubbing" or back to my promiscuous and responsibility-free life, even though we are free to make our own conclusions. Thoughts like those are reasons we as people are full of hatred in our hearts.

Even though I can't provide the motherly love to my daughter, I do not think of her as a mistake nor do I regret having her. She is beautiful and her smile can light up anyones day. The only problem is, it's never lit mine. It crushed me to know that I couldn't love my daughter the way I could. I tried and I tried, making sure my main focus was her; taking care of her, feeding her, trying to build the bond, that just seemed to keep breaking. It just never worked, and not only did it hurt, I felt like a failure.

But I've realized your only a failure if you stay down. Per meet with my doctor. I now have counseling sessions and I am prescribed on Zoloft and my parents will only have temporary custoday of my daughter until I get better. Hopefully when I get better, my daughter and I can share and feel the love we were meant.

I do apologize for putting her through this, even though she won't remember,it will still be in my memory, and I will still face it when I look at her face, but I will use it as a building block to understand, it's okay and the future is much brighter.

As this was the first step, I plan to make it through, from the good comments to the bad. I thank all for the replies, and wish that anyone who goes through what I do, get help or someone to talk to, because the later you wait the more damage will be done.

I know it takes time to heal, so one day at a time is how I will take it.

*Please understand she is not being adopted. My parents, both my birth mother and father are gaining temporary custody of her until I get better. I have just started counseling and medication, so until I am fit, she will be with my parents, whom I am very close with.

Answer 1

good girl for adopting her out. most get abortions which is totally wrong! no you are not a failure - its hard raising children.

Answer 2

hi, I'm sure i read you have given your daughter to your parents, so at least she is still within her own family, and you can still see her, i think wot u have done is think of your daughter and tried to give her the best possible start in life, it is better that she is with someone who can give her lots of love in a motherly way this is way better than keeping her then not showing her love at all, some parents think that buying their children lots of gifts is giving them love and this is not true, i was 18 when i had my first baby and i can tell u it was a big shock and i had always looked after other peoples children so it was not like i would not know what it was like having a child, but knowing this baby needed me for everything was too much for me to handle and if it had not been for the support of my husband (my boyfriend at the time) and my mother taking him so i could go back to work i dont know what i would have done, so people should not judge u until they have been in the same situation. Even if you give your daughter to someone else to bring up, and knew she was getting the love she deserves it would have been better than her staying with u and u being unable to show her love, my heart goes out to u and i hope you manage to work things outs, so in the future u can go on and have a family who will be proud to call u mum, and your daughter will someday understand u did the best u could for her at that time in your life, and u never know in a few years time when u are a bit older you may feel u can look after her full time again, i think you have done the right thing, i dont believe in abortion, she is alive and well and giving your mum a whole lot of love and one day it will be shared with u too, good luck for the future, if in your heart u know u have done the right thing then dont take any notice of what others think, love eleanor

Answer 3

You have defiantly done the right thing. At the end of the day you have put your baby girl first and you deserve a medal for just that. It is a really hard thing to do but you just need to keep thinking that you have done the right thing. Most people would have just had the baby aborted which in my opinion is totally wrong. You have given your baby the best start in life that you can and made a really difficult decision. I admire you for what you have done and you seem to be coping well. I really do hope it all works out for you and that you and your daughter do get that bond and I'm sure you will it just takes time. Good luck sweetie!

Answer 4

I can understand you being a father of three daughters in their thirties. Their mother rejected the oldest at a week old and was brought up by my parents she walked out on the other two when they were 5 and 6. She was mentally ill and I went through hell trying to help her and bring the children up on my own. My daughters are great and very close to me although their mother has had nothing to do with them.You have done the right thing and hopefully one day you can have some sort of relationship with your child. Good luck for the future

Answer 5

You did the right thing for yourself and your child and don't let anyone tell you different. At least you didn't abort her or kill her like some who'd judge you would actually do themselves. I see nothing wrong with what you did and getting help so you can be a better person for her is simply great.
My brother and I were raised partly by our grandmother because my mom was too Young and in our culture grandparents and other family members raise other relatives' children without criticism. I say more power to you for having the courage to do what you did for that baby.
I hope everything work out for you and one day you'll be able to have the relationship you want with this child. Best of luck to you and God bless your parents for stepping in and taking care of her for now.
Stay strong and remember that a lot of those out there who'd criticise you would actually have opted to destroy the child.

Answer 6

Good Luck dear
you are not a failure, as a matter of fact you are a winner
my thinking is for someone to know their weaknest and work at fixing them that person is winner
don't let people comment put you down
always remember that you are doing what is best for your child
& yourself and because you put her need first that make you a wonderful parent
a parent is not because your child brought a smile to your day
is it because you bring on to hers as well as knowing when to back away for her good and you did that (back away)
So Good Luck Sweety
you will make it
I am a mother I have never being in your shoes but I understand
Courage & Lots of Love

Answer 7

I have adopted three children and about to adopt one more. Adoption is a bitter sweet situation. The feeling of being a failure and not being able to love and support your child is a very bitter way to feel, but it's so sweet when you give the gift of a child to people who have prayed and prayed for a child and that child can fill a void in those people's lives. Your decision was a very brave decision and a mature one. I know it was hard to seperate your feelings and emotions, from what is best for your child. Here's a wonderful way of looking at it.
The Legacy of an Adopted Child
Once there were two women
Who never knew each other
One you do not remember
The other you call mother
Two different lives
Shaped to make your one
One became your guiding star
The other became your sun
The first gave you life
The second taught you to live it
The first gave you a need for love
The second was there to give it
One gave you a nationality
The other gave you a name
One gave you the seed of talent
The other gave you an aim
One gave you emotions
The other calmed your fears
One saw your first sweat smile
The other dried your tears
One saught for you a home
that she could not provide
The other prayed for a child
And her hopes were not denied
And now you ask me through your tears
The age old question
Unanswered through the years
Heredity or Enviornment
Which are you the product of
Neither my darling Neither
Just two different types of love.

Answer 8

Feel confident with the fact that you have chosen to give your daughter a better life than you could have offered her by your raising her. I wish more people were as selfless as you and actually put their children's well being first!
Even if you had put your child up because you wanted to go clubbing, at least you would have given her a better life! Take the time you need to become a good mother and let your parents know you appreciate them taking care of your daughter!
I wish more people had enough love for their children to want better lives for them! I personally may not be able to have children and I wish I could find someone who were willing to allow me to adopt their chidl!

Answer 9

Poor, poor you. You need time to get better, post natal depression can be very hard to deal with but you will get over it with time and then you can take the time to build a relationship with your daughter. She is only small and you have plenty of time, just take the time whilst your parents have temporary custody to concentrate on getting better. Keep on with the counselling and speak to those around you, friends/family for support. Your parents obviously care a great deal for you and your baby, so lean on them and remember you are not alone. Many mothers, if they are honest, dont love their children all of the time. We are all human. Good luck.

Answer 10

hi i haven't read "part one" so dont know your background or previous history all i can say is that what you are feeling is perfectly natural and lots of people find it difficult to bond with their children might i be so bold as to suggest this may be pnd the main thing is to not feel guilty and you are not a failure it takes a lot to admit you have a problem of this nature so you obviously do care more than you think and the fact that your worried about your actions effect on the child means that that parenting gene is kicking in just fine take it steady go back to the docs and good luck.

Answer 11

Love and admiration goes to you....most people would have just aborted but you chose to give birth to your child and allow her, her life. I think you are extremely brave and I admire your honesty about your feelings, it takes a strong person to write their deepest thoughts and feelings down and wait for this forum to do its damage! I think that what you have done shows you have your daughters best interests at heart because you recognise that she deserves to be loved, and right now you dont feel ready! Trouble is you cant win...if you'd have terminated they'd have told you that you should have had the baby and put her up for adoption, so you do that, and guess what now thats not good!!! I cant imagine what feelings, fears and emotions you are going through but consider this! Your baby did not end up for adoption because you ill-abused her, it was because you were thinking of her....Godbless x