nasty family - got plenty of time to read?

Question

I was abused as a child by my mother and she didn't want me when I left home I moved in with my b/f and had a baby all she could say was that shes not happy about it my mum & dad divorced and my brother lives with my mum& stil does Im 33 he's 30 hes mummys little boy he had no g/f, wife, kids, bills job etc never exp. life.I'm married (not to sons father) very settled got a good job very nice home, car etc. My mother &grandmother are extreamly manipulative! My mother had a child after I had mine because she felt the spotlight was taken from her, even though my grandmother had very little to do with my son. My father has always been in touch. My mother refused to come to my wedding because my dad got remarried and she expected her invite to say 'and friend' mind you all her side of the family were going and she wasnt seeing anyone Itold her she could bring someone but it wasnt good enough then.She turned up on the day with some guy and left an hour later but expected to be treated like

royalty. She gets on my grandmothers nerves and my grandmother tries to bribe me with gifts 'if you be nice to your mother' I don't accept her gifts. Recently I was left out of my brothers b/day and no one (execpt dad told me he was having one and couldn't work out why I wasnt invited. My grandmother blamed me when i wouldnt ring him to wish him a happy b/day because I haven't been told why I wasn't invited and said I have problems

then my brother wrote me a very nasty email saying we are not close enough and I am not worth anything, I would expect this if I was a closed minded ***** but I am nothing like this and wished so much for a nice loving family. It really hurts! I still cant work out why I have been left out and then sent a hate email my brother said it is typical for me not to ring him and ask him why he didn't want me invited and said to stay out of his life. My husband couldnt believe it and said to him you are supposed to be family he said not with her we're no family. i find it hard to move on because I want a nice family I dont want to be lonley. I know I have a wonderful husband and son but what about the rest? y do I miss out?

Answer 1

Why on earth do you bother to associate with these people? Just because you're biologically related? You mother tore up her mommy card when she abused you. She's obviously unrepentant and extremely immature, and the rest of the family doesn't sound much better.

Hopefully your husband's family is full of much nicer people. Spend time with them, and write these losers off. Really, do you want to expose your child to this sort of behavior?

Answer 2

SAD TO SAY, but sometimes our immediate families upset us & disappoint us. I think that if you are 33 years old & you got your husband, your son & you are happy then that is the only thing that should matter. You got your own family. If your mother & brother don't want you in their lives then, you should just ignore what they are saying & don't talk to them for awhile, it hurts, yes, but it's not worth to fight with them & be stressed out. You should focus more on your husband, your son & yourself. sometimes, life takes unexpected turns, it's unfortunate that our immediate family members are involved in these turns. Don't let them upset you so much, if they act like a jerk to you, at least you still got your Dad to turn to, right? He still loves you. So, one family member is better then none. I think that maybe later in life, your mother & brother will realize they are wrong & you will see them again, be happy again, you can tell them you don't want to ever fight with them & they should respect you, all of you respect eachother because life is too short! you don't know what's going to happen, someone dies & you never forgive eachother, how can you live with the guilt, right? you tell your mother & brother that! i hope they can be more mature about things & get along with you instead of having these stupid fights.

Answer 3

I am sorry to read about your family troubles. It seems very clear that your mom has some serious issues.

Your mother seems to be emotionally immature person - like a child. You are setting limits and that's all you can do. You can't change other adults. Have your kids see your relative in a controlled situation as possible, and don't expect anything to change. I have many friends with less-than-stellar relatives, and it just goes on. You have to separate yourself, or you get sucked into their madness.

Answer 4

I too come from a dysfunctional family and have also married into another dysfunctional family. The best advice that I can give you is that you might be better off taking a break from your family. My father had to do this to my grandfather since it was starting to affect his health. Since he stopped talking to him, he hasn't had to take any kind of medications.

Answer 5

Hi Nicky,

Wow, just reading your letter brought tears to my eyes. I have been through very similar situations with my parents and brothers and after 32 years I've finally realized that the truest family are those who love you and make you feel good about yourself. You may try to salvage your relationship with your brother, but if he is unwilling to hear your reasoning and puts you down, it is time to stop the effort. For 29 years I tried to make them love me for me. In the end, I have a brother I almost never speak with, one I speak to a few times a year (he rarely speaks to my parents), and I speak with my parents often but once I have asked them twice not to yell or insult me, I hang up. It is exhausting trying to change people who won't change. I love my parents and find that they are less insulting when I am less willing to put up with it. I've become closer to my mother although she and my Dad were quite emotionally abusive, simply because I realize, finally, that their behavior is NOT my fault. It is so difficult to admit abuse by one's parents because it is a letting go of the people you are supposed to love most - a detachment from their methods of 'teaching. There is nothing wrong with that. I finally understood this after a few years of therapy (and a wonderful counselor). I am so different now than I was 3 years ago. The grief and manipulation brought me very close to suicide then. Having found the people that are truly my 'family' and placing my importance and esteem on them is what helped most. It sounds like you have already found that.

Allow your father to be a part of your inner nucleus, but if your mother refuses to stop being manipulative and your brother continues to be nasty to you it is time to put them in the 'outer' circle. Let it be known that you will not allow anyone to treat you unkindly any longer. It may take a long time for them to understand it, but the best way to get through that time is by continuing to live your life happily. Trying to make my family see differently was a futile effort and it ate me up inside. Allowing myself the freedom to separate from it without feeling guilty took a long time but, with help, I finally got the hang of it. I will spend a lifetime continuing to, maybe, but I will spend it much more at peace with them and myself.

Allowing yourself to be victimized is the hardest thing to step away from. There is always that lingering "what if?" or "perhaps if I'd done this differently" or "I can fix it" in the back of the heads of every child who has ever been abused. The only way to shut those thoughts out is to recognize that your mother and brother may be limited to what they perceive. If this causes you damage, back away - for you and your family. You will be able to deal with it better when you are stronger and if in the end it cannot work out know that blood and love are often two very different entities.

All the best to you!

Answer 6

lady, you are my hero. how do you manage to put up with all this, and still get it together to raise your two sons. afer abuse like this, i just wouldnt know what to do. Good job on still going on and never giving up

Answer 7

from you letter I WOULD SAY YOU CAN FORGET ABOUT HAVING A FAMILY THAT CARES, UNLESS YOU CREATE IT WITH YOU YOUR HUSBAND AND CHILDREN, AS FOR THE REST, AS YOU SAID THEY CAN'T GET IT TOGETHER TO HAVE A BIRTHDAY PARTY FOR A LOOSER SO WHY DO YOU BELIEVE THAT THEY WOULD CARE ABOUT YOU. this IS A REALITY CHECK. have THEY EVER GONE OUT OF THEIR WAY TO ACCOMMODATE YOU IN ANY THING, I DOUBT IT,

Answer 8

you got a fu*ked up mother, forgert her and find a really nice bunch of people to call your family.

Answer 9

I'm not sure this is a question. But uhh.. Those are sommed eff'd up biatches you got there.