How can I muster the courage?

Question

to ki'l myself? I have not been happy once since I started school. My boyfriend, also my best friend, broke up with me in the summer, and I don't know when I'll ever get over him. Despite our breakup, I entered high school excited and full of motivation. Now, I have the worst grades I have ever gotten in my life. Where I once loved school, my current classes make my life a living hell.

For a team debate in biology, no one else but me did any work. I spent over 7 hours preparing for it, and slept at 5 in the morning. I failed to wake up on time and missed the class altogether. My team got credit for showing up, but none of my work was used, and instead, I have to make it up with a twentypage report.

I unintentionally cut P.E. to meet with a counselor who never even made the time for me, both counselor and coach found out, and I am in big trouble. Before high school, I was an excellent school. Now, it doesn't look like I'm headed anywhere else but the str

eets.
I don't leave school without wanting to die at least twice through the day. I am miserable everyday. I haven't seen my friends but 3 times since school started, and I don't have support from my family. Things aren't going to get better; the easiest way out would be to kill myself. I get queasy about anything like suicide, but my self esteem is zero, and I can't take another year of hell. How do I get brave enough to do it?

Answer 1

Well... I have been through exactly what you are going through, felt like you feel and decided to do away with myself. My classes were in the tank, the girl I thought I loved told me to leave her alone and she never wanted to see me again, several of my "best" friends took her side and decided I wasn't worth the time of day. My brother didn't like me and yelled and occasionally hit me. My mom (I didn't ever have a dad) worked as a waitress and had no time to help me or listen to my heartache.

I also could not find the courage, but I did find another person who showed me kindness and listened carefully to me while I poured out my soul. Here I was, a boy, but I probably cried for 5 hours as we talked from about 11pm on a Saturday night until morning on Sunday.

I think as I poured my heart out he might have cried a bit too because I really was in bad shape. The exact events of that night are not important, but what is important is that I decided not to go through with that action and decided to change my thought pattern. It was an amazing choice, and even though I was really, really scared about living with all this crap falling about me all the time, I decided that I would CHOOSE to change the direction of my life.

I am soooo glad I did. Let me tell you why.

1. I got my classes straightened out and a counselor helped me drop one of the courses that was giving me the most grief.

2. I changed my circle of friends.

3. I met several new friends that not only cared about me, but are my friends even today.

4. I decided to run for ASP president in my senior year (I was a sophomore when this whole thing happened).

5. I was elected and made some really cool changes in the school.

6. I ended up getting a small scholarship, but I had been working part time and my employer heard about the changes in my life and if you can believe this, paid for the first two years of college.

7. I went to college, continued working for him, and graduated in business management.

8. I met a lady named Dee, who had red hair and looked like an angel to me.

9. I married her.

10. We had four great boys.

11. The oldest boy (Daniel) is married and lives in Auburn, WA and has three georgeous daughters (my only granddaughters)

12. My second son (Jon) went to college and was ranked fifth as a wrestler in his weight division. He taught for three years in Hawaii and has now returned to college for a Masters degree.

13. My twins (Matt and Ben) went to college. Matt graduated from Berklee College of Music in Boston and is now a member of a rock band.

14. Ben will graduate in international studies and wants to be a translator.

15. I have owned nine companies. Five of them were not good companies and I closed them but three of them were good and one of them was really good.

16. I have impacted the lives of literally hundreds and hundreds of people over the course of the last 40+ years.

17. I have made a difference in my community.

18. I have served on many boards for organizations and schools and have made a difference in each of those situations.

19. I am married to the most wonderful woman in the world, and she loves me.

20. I wake up each day thanking God that I didn't follow through with those thoughts that occupied my every waking moment.

21. NONE of this would have happened if I had done the unthinkable that time. My boys would never have had life, my wife would me married to somebody else, the people I employed over all those years would have worked for somebody else... It goes on and on. Nobody knows how many people they will touch in their lives, but if you suicide you will touch NONE.

There are lots more I could say, but I tell you this because you have a future ahead that is as big as you personally want to make it. What is happening to you now is ONLY temporary. It will go away. I promise you that. If you succumb to your depression now, you will have robbed the world and your future family of the gift of life.

Please email me if you want to talk, but also please stop considering this course of action. Take control. Make a decision to change your life. Choose the path you wish to go, and wake up each day on a new course. Let me know how you are doing.

Answer 2

I takes more bravery to live. You may not want to hear it, but your life doesn't have to be over. Get some help. Forget that counselor. Talk to a teacher you can trust or a family member or friend.

Please don't base your life on your ex boyfriend. There is life after loss, and it usually is good life. Grieve for the loss of your bf, but know that you can heal and love again.

OK, so you blew the biology thing. Is it worth dying over? I'm a teacher, and I'm telling you it ISN'T! It's only a class.

When you take your own life, you lose all that you have, and all that you ever would have had. Not a good trade.

Answer 3

I hate to sound cliche-ish, but it sounds like you're a teenage kid in HS. Those years suck. But suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. And truth is, you probably wouldnt have married your boyfriend. Once I got pissed at a girl and my friend told me, dont get angry unless she is the one. And she wasnt the one, so I said screw it and moved on. The best revenge is living well. Being miserable sucks. Stick through it. We all have been there. Get some help. Things will look up soon. Take it one day at a time and try to find some pleasure in something. But keep the faith. You can do this.

Answer 4

I'm sure it won't help for anyone to tell you
how OTHER people have circumstances worse than yours.

I also figure that alot of what you are saying is difficult for me to relate to.

I CAN, though relate to depression
and tell you that
life can get better

yep and if you just muddle through
it could get worse

see from my point of view
my life could have been much, much better
IF I would have sought help many years ago

you don't HAVE to SETTLE for being depressed and thinking that death is preferrable to the life you are living.

get help
professional help is much preferred whether counselor, psychiatrist, religious
some one that can keep in touch with you
and help you through
this journey loaded with mine fields

with help you can cruise

probably not makings sense, been a long day
main point
get help
if you are thinking about dying at least twice every single day
this can get worse
this 'habit' is life threatening

Answer 5

You shouldn't kill yourself, because you are not sure how to appreciate what you've got, and you may think that is NOTHING, but from my point of view, God is the only thing that can help you. God has an endless love for you no matter what you'll ever do. He is waiting for you to turn to him, and all you have to do is show him your love and gratitude for what he's done for you. Jesus Christ was nailed to a cross by the hands and feet. He was serverly beaten, almost to death, people spit on him as he TRIED to carry his own cross. He was made fun of and ever since the day he was born, he has been judged and ridiculed, but still he had so much love for us the he died for our sins on the cross. You wouldn't really have any idea what I'm talking about because you need to know Christ on your own and have your own encounter with Him, but whatever happens Christ is with you. He is knocking at your door, and all you have to do is open you heart and the door to your heart and you will value your life WAY more than you ever would. Don't end your life because of hardships, it's not worth it. One of my best friends killed himself, and is has affected EVERYONE! SO don't just do it becuase you're feeling like this, think of how your life affects everyone else. It takes so much courage and strength to overcome the obstacles in life, and if you give up, you're lowering your self-esteem even more. I know you said something about having a low self-esteem, and you think giving up and killing yourself will make you feel better? Like that guy said, its is a temporary solution to a permanent problem! You know, my self-esteem SUCKED, I mean I was the lowest a person could possibly get, and then I saw how God was working in my family , and even in my friends' lives. Every time a soul turns to God, they REJOICE in heaven, it is an amazing thing and God may want to use you for something bigger than what you may even know! Just think, you could probably help someone that is in the situtation that you're in right now. With the whole school thing, listen.... EVERYONE has to go through it, and people that are in their 40s and 50s are still in school. School is no reason to do this, I was there too, and I felt like it would NEVER END, ever!! It takes time and patience, and remember, one day we will ALL go, but it won't matter than how much school you've had or what grades you've recieved, because you will be in the presence of the Lord Christ and he accepts you no matter how much "school" you've had. It doesn't matter if you drop out or stay in school, because He loves you reguardless! Worry about your iternal salvation, and not so much about all these earthly things. As long as you are a part of this world, you will have someone who will ALWAYS look after you, and that is Jesus Christ. You might be an atheist, or maybe you just don't want to hear all of this religious crud right now, or maybe you know God personally, but please take into consideration about what I said and may God Bless You as he has Blessed me. Take care of yourself, I will pray for you. God Bless.

Answer 6

Please, get yourself to a hospital and tell them you want to kill yourself, as someone else said..print this out and show them what you wrote here. Suicide is how depression claims it's victims, who mostly go without help and eventually end up feeling as desperate as you must feel right now. Talk to someone that can get you the help you need so you don't let it go this far.
If you can't get to a hospital or have no one to talk with, call a crisis line, they will listen and guide you.
My thoughts are with you. You are not weak or cowardly, you are ill and need help. I hope that you can see that.

Answer 7

have the courage to go see the doctor ASAP If you cant wait go to the Emerg room and tell them all you have said above-as a matter of fact copy the text to your computer and print it out in case you are unable to go into it fully and hand it to them as well as talk if you can about it.
The sooner you go the sooner you can get help and feel better This disease of depression is like any other-you need treatment and in this case its an emergency as much as a heart attack is.
You must go and check it out If you dont find any hel[p after going you can always rethink things out again. But if you were to kill yourself youd have no option of finding out Dont be cheated out of an examination and evaluation for this. Do it now DOnt thinlk about it it or ruminate over it just get yourself there and take a friend if you can to help you.

Answer 8

Good question, huh. If suicide were too easy everyone would do it a couple times a day.
Find a spiritual discipline, like yoga or meditation or animal rights to carry you until you are old enough to solve small problems like that easily. Good Luck.

Answer 9

First, you have to get those other people off your mind. They will have hell to pay when they get older. They will not have someone as smart as you to help them then. You will be the one who is doing the hiring, they will be asking you for a job, lol. Keep your head up. It will get better. Just not as fast as you would like,

Answer 10

Someone once defined courage as "fear, holding out a moment longer."