moms have i overstepped my boundaries as a step mom?

Question

i went to a parent/teacher conference with my new husband for the 1st time and this really pissed his exwife off.she had to go by herself.she feels she should go with my husband not me and i have no right going since i'm not her sons mom.she made such a stink the school asked my husband to keep me away to avoid any more problems.since this happened she has done other things to let me know she will always be queen bee since she has a son with my husband and i don't.my husband and her both have joint custody and he does not agree with this but will not go against her in fear it will hurt his son.was she right to act this way?should i just back off with kids stuff till she finds a new husband to keep her busy?

Answer 1

As a practical matter (emotions aside), I think you have to know what is going on in the kids life. Your husband has joint custody, which means you have a role to play here. What if the conference was about the kid not doing his homework, and it turned out too much television was the culprit. You need to know about this so that you can help keep the television off, espcially if you're watching the child when your husband is gone.

That being said, I would have a REALLY, REALLY tough time sharing the decision making process about my child with a strange woman. Add to that the emotional turmoil and jealousy of the strange woman "taking my place" as the new wife of my ex-husband, and I'd honestly be hard put to remain logical about the situation.

My recommendation is to soft-peddle, especially at first. If you (or better yet your husband) approach her at all with the problem, approach it as an enforcement issue. Make it clear you are not trying to butt in on the decision-making process. But, you need to know what is going on--what problems arise and how he and she have decided to handle it--so that you can support her rules even when she isn't there. Emphasize that you want to do everything possible to present a united front to the child and that you don't want to give mixed messages as a result of not being involved.

Answer 2

If the parents are able to work together on issues regarding their son it seems to me that it would be logical for them to go to the conference together. Talk with your husband and step-son at home about the conference and about any changes that need to be made at home regarding school work. When the husband remarries even if there was no infidelity involved, the ex-wife is going to feel left out. If the child lives with the father and new wife it's going to be even worse. Regardless of the family dynamics the child's mother is queen bee when it comes to her kid and if you try to change that your step-son will resent you. I'm not suggesting however that you should allow yourself to be mistreated. If you feel that is happening speak to the offending party and set some ground rules.

A new husband for the ex-wife will not keep her so busy that she will not want to be very involved in her child's life. You will find that it is far better to leave the kid stuff to the parents in this situation and just be supportive and understanding with your step-son. Let him talk with you about his mom without you being judgemental at all. If it's appropriate you can even say something like -- your mom says it's important to her that you (whatever it is). Don't compete with her, you can't win. But everyone will think you are a hero if you play the role of the diplomat.

If there was infidelity it's better to stay way in the background and disregard all the other advise.

Answer 3

There's no "right" answer to this question. Ultimately, though, I think it boils down to this. Once parents decide to divorce, their next decision needs to be making a commitment to making sure the children are okay. That means, the arguments stay private, the bitterness and anger stay private... and don't touch the child.

Step parents can learn a LOT from that commitment.. and I think they need to also make a commitment to understanding the fact that no matter who the child's father is married to, the child has one mother and one father. Any "sharing" of parental responsibility needs to be done in a way that doesn't make life more difficult for the child. (That means working things out beforehand.)

If you apply that philosophy to your situation, it's entirely possible that she's making life uncomfortable for the child, because of her insecurities. If that's the case, then you should probably back off a bit, for the child's sake.

You see, it's not about you or her.. you already won that battle... it's about the child. Period.

Answer 4

I would say that he should have discussed this with his ex-wife FIRST. As a former step-child, I would rather have my parents there and not my parents and a step-parent (regardless if it's a step-mom or step-dad). Sorry, but I don't feel that it is necessary for you to be there. I would feel the same way as the mother if I was divorced and my ex-husband brought this woman to a parent teacher conference. That is a specific meeting for the parents. Other things, like games or plays, is a different story. That should be whoever the child invites.

Answer 5

I speak from experience when I say that you are between a rock and a hard spot. As a step mother my self who loves my step child as my own it is hard to know where you stand. If your husband has joint custody and the child spends as much time at your house as his mothers then you have a rite to know whats going on. How ever she is still his mother not you. See the problem here? In this case it sounds as though she is being petty.
How long where your husband and his ex apart before you came on the scene? It sounds as though she has a great resent meant for you and your place in his and their child's life. What I have learned from experience is this.Love the child care for him as if he were your own when he is in your house and do your best to stay out of matters between your husband and his ex. It is hard I know but he too is in a tough spot. To stand up for his wife of the mother of one of his children? It will only increase the tension between your husband and you and her if you get involved. It hurts it sucks and it just feels plain wrong but you are the outsider.If you show her that you are no threat to her as a mother she may eventually relax enough to let you be involved some without a fight.

Answer 6

No, she is not right. I am a mother and not a step mother but I have a step mother. I think it would make the child feel more loved if all the parents got along and went to the school to check on them. I think the ex may be a bit bitter and is scared of losing her son to you too but she should also be adult about the situation and show her son that all of you love him. She is pretty much showing him that there is no reason to respect you and that is just wrong. Good luck on your situation.

Answer 7

Never being in this situation myself, I am leaning somewhat towards biological mom on this one. Parent/teacher conference is a place where mom needs to be there just as much as dad - ESPECIALLY if they don't live under the same roof. That way both sides can focus on the same problems. Mom was left out, and she knew it. Even if she showed up at a different time, the teacher may have excluded important information because he/she had already addressed it with you and dad.

However, I believe she could have acted mature about the whole thing and not put any further negative attention on the child.

Answer 8

The hostility is not good for your step-son. Better that you work out an agreement with your husband, or, if everybody can be calm, you, your husband and his ex. It is wrong for her to make a fuss like that, but if you can be the bigger person and step aside at times it may help calm the situation down. I'm not saying you should let yourself be abused or treated poorly, but it's possible you can rise above the conflict.

Answer 9

No you didn't over step your boundaries. There is nothing wrong with being or trying to be involved in the child's life. Your hubby's ex wife seems jealous and sounds like she is using the fact she has a son with your hubby and so they can do stuff together with their son and leave you hanging. Tell your husband to start defending you.

Answer 10

She sounds like she's bitter and trying to mark her territory but she needs to start thinking in terms of what's best for her son.. Fact is, you're a part of this kid's life now too, whether she likes it or not. If your husband wants you there, then you have every right to be there. I think the best, most-logical solution would be for EVERYONE to attend the conferences together.