moms have i overstepped my boundaries as a step mom?

Question

i went to a parent/teacher conference with my new husband for the 1st time and this really pissed his exwife off.she had to go by herself.she feels she should go with my husband not me and i have no right going since i'm not her sons mom.she made such a stink the school asked my husband to keep me away to avoid any more problems.since this happened she has done other things to let me know she will always be queen bee since she has a son with my husband and i don't.my husband and her both have joint custody and he does not agree with this but will not go against her in fear it will hurt his son.was she right to act this way?should i just back off with kids stuff till she finds a new husband to keep her busy?

Answer 1

Hi I'm not a mum, but I am a stepchild and I know how tricky things can get. I can't help but wonder why his ex-wife got pissed off in the first place, is it because she felt she should go with your husband because she's his mother? Or is it because she's lashing out at you because she's embarrassed about having to front up to the conference by herself? I think it's the latter, especially since she's done other things to let you know she is queen bee. Bottom line is, I think you are doing the right thing by standing aside a little, she is drawing attention to herself in a negative way, so sit back, remain dignified and let her bask in it. Hope this is useful to you, best wishes, Penny

Answer 2

I know you have to be thinking that you're an "outsider" in this new family of yours. In a way, that is true, but your husband's ex is handling this whole step-parenting thing all wrong. (Unless of course, she has an axe to grind--or thinks you stole her husband, etc. etc.) Your husband needs to ask for her help in his dealings with his son insofar as he's now being raised by a step-mother. Your husband should take the lead in discipline, not you. The child will only resent you for it. You need to be awfully careful in not trying to usurp the mother's role--you aren't the mom, and she always will be. So, the most you can do for now anyway, is get your husband to do most of the child-rearing (how old is this child?) and you just back him up as best you can. Let the ex wife know you're on her side and want only what's right for the child. But in the meantime, you have to do that in such a way that she stops feeling threatened by you. Try to make her a family friend and invite her on special occasions to participate with the family. She's the one who's really on the outside looking in now and it's a rotten feeling she has to live with. You can help the situation now or make it tougher. The more "togetherness" you can show, the less she's apt to be negatively attached. Each of you needs to take the high-road for the child's sake.

Answer 3

Assuming that you recently got married, since you referred to your new husband, you should not have gone to the conference. I would certainly hope that if you married the man you at least care about his son. You may even love him. However, you didn't say that. I really hope that its just because she embarrassed you and made you mad, but you make it sound like you went to this just to rub in that you're married to the man and she's not. So, maybe at the beginning of this when you weren't feeling like that, she felt like that was what you were doing? Plus, the parents should be at the conference together. Its hard on all of you (as in, all 4 of you) but they are still in the parenting part of their relationship together. Over time, that relationship will include you and somebody who sticks around in her life, but it will not exclude either of them as long as they are both alive.

Give this a while. Cool off, let her cool off, and prove that you care about her kid. When you've been married a while (more months, not a decade from now) and something else comes up, call her (and you call, not your husband) and tell her that you'd like to go but you don't want to make her uncomfortable. You can agree to go to sit on either side of the auditorium at the play, etc. When your step-son gets older (teenager, college student, adult) he can start making those decisions. After all, when he gets married he should be the one telling all of you that he wants everybody to be there and you'll all have to be polite. Until then, at least for a while, ask. If you want her to take the high road, go that way first. You did get the guy, so you can afford to cut her some slack.

Answer 4

They are definatley stepping over the boundaries. You are the parent and theyare not you should be able to decide where they can take your baby and you shouldn't have to put up with the crap of being told every little thing they think your doing wrong. Your mom has had her turn now it's yours if your soon to be step dad hasn't had children maybe he just feels like he wants to help you but if he hasn't had children how would he be able to critize you? I think they're overstepping the boundaries. :D Hope they ease up :D

Answer 5

No FIND A NEW HUSBAND.
one that respects and appreciates his wife.
a step- mother that does not harm the childrena dn takes a real interest in thier lives should be appreciated. And if your hubby is too scared of his ex to want you and your step-son to have a decent relationship. He has other issues. low self esteem or un- requited love for his ex.
Mom should understand and appreciate her son is being treated well and cared for.
a lot of step mothers don't give a damn and treat the kids like ****.
Honey, NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO IN THIS SITUATION YOU WILL ALWAYS BE TREATED LIKE ****.
I jr does something good it will be considered no thanks to you, but to his mom and dad.
IF HE DOES SOMETHING WRONG IT WILL BE ALL YOUR FAULT.
AND YOU HAVE NO LEAGAL RIGHTS AND WILL BE THE FIRS TONE ACCUSED IF ANYTHING HAPPENS TO HIM.
Give hubby set ammount of days to shape up. If he won't WALK.
You are supposed to be married to him. not her.
she has no legal right to tell you where you can and cannot go.
the only place she can demand you not be is her home.
Tell me are you going to not attend any of your husbands family dinners, outings, hoilday celebrations, because it will offend his ex?
You had better ask yourself this, because if you bend now, this will be the result?
You will always be home alone and on the bottom.
Don't get sick or have a baby. He may not get permission from the ex wife.

Answer 6

I agree with Andrea. Having been there, both as a parent and a step-parent. I'd be walking really fast away from that whole situation.

His ex needs to get a life. What will she do next? Report you to CPS for some false abuse you perpetrated upon her son?

Been there done that. Bought the t-shirt and wrote a book....

Answer 7

I know from experience ( i am a stepchild ) that stuff like that should just be for the mom and dad. although i think it is great for you to have an interest in your stepsons life maybe just staying away from things like this would be easier. also just so you know it sounds to me like the real mother is being immature and she should really worry more about her sons well being. hopefully you are a little more mature......its really hard on kids when atleast one person cant have some maturity.

Answer 8

Yes you should back off. I feel that if any issues arise with my and my ex-husbands children we should handle it. If my ex brought his wife to any parent conferences at my child's school I would have felt the same way as she did. You need to understand your role as step-mom.

Answer 9

the kids are his and hers, but if they are in your house then i think you have the right to be just as involved. the ex should be thankful that you want to give the time, after all they are her kids. i think you did the right thing by going to the conferences. let the pieces fall where they fall. talk to your husband and follow his advice.

Answer 10

U didn't over step. She's just freaking out.