Can't go to funeral?

Question

My boyfriend's grandfather died last night and the service is in a couple of days. We've been together 5.5 years, and living together almost 1 year. I very sincerely offered to accompany him to the funeral. HE ASKED ME NOT TO COME. He said that it would be a very emotional FAMILY affair, and although I'm kind of his family now, his parents and aunts and uncles would be very emotional and having an "outsider" (his words) there might make it worse. Although I guess I understand in a way, I also feel kind of hurt by this. Am I overreacting? ( I didn't say anything to him about being upset.)

I have been to family events before.. including Thanksgiving and New Years. I've met and interacted with most of his family before, so they do know me... I don't want to make this situation worse, so I haven't said anything, but I'm scared to think that he'll never truly see me as family.

I should add that they're Japanese-Americans. Is this a cultural thing?

Answer 1

I think perhaps he knows his family well and is trying to avoid something. He may be embarrassed that he may be visibly upset or other members of his family might be. some families are weird about "outsiders" my husbands family has a few members of that tribe in it. I have a neice who lives in a nearby town who won't share her adress or phone,so noone can visit, her and her boyfriend "like their privacy"
He might be one of those people who would do anything to get out of a funeral if they didn't have to go,so thinks he is doing you a favour. my husband is a bit that way and can't see that the favour is in fact a cut. Men they don't get it .
Tell him you would like to be at his side for something as moving as his grandfathers funeral, and that you won't feel offended if you are largely ignored.

Answer 2

OH MY GOD, you have got some real "Dear Abby" answers here. Its the man's grandfather's funeral.

Let me ask you this. Do you really give 2 rats asses about going to a funeral? If not, then why the hell are you upset. Who WANTS to go to a funeral. Funerals suck - bad. You should be happy that you are not being drug down to the funeral home, to the church, doing the cross town drive in procession, to the grave side in winter, for the internment. BE THANKFUL, WOMAN!

Now, let me translate from man-ese to woman-ese. He said it is an emotional family affair, with all the aunts, uncles etc. there. In My opinion, What he is trying to tell you is that funerals are a funny time for famlies, they are very uncomfortable, often there are unresolved issues, family squabbles and he thinks that it is best kept between blood relatives or maybe there are family issues that he is uncomfortable having you around. I don't know, I do know that he is not calling you an outsider to him, but to the extended blood family. Do you know all of the aunts, uncles, cousins etc. names that will be there? If not, will you be comfortable trying to provide a shoulder for some stranger to cry on at a funeral?

So, yeah, I would say you might be overreacting. Perhaps you should ASK him for more specifics regarding why he does not want you to go, and explain that you would like to be there for him and his emotional needs and find out what he is thinking. See, men do not give up information like this freely, and we don't understand that you would like the information unless you ASK. Once you have all the relevant information you can then judge if you should be offended, or how to react propertly, but going off half ****** is silly.

I wish this concept about "ASKING" for information would not be lost on women.

Answer 3

After the length of time you have been together, his family should have already accepted you as part of the family.

Being a man, I would want my girlfriend by my side as I dealt with the death of a family member! You need to make him explain why his family would want you to be absent from this event. He seems like HE doesn't want you there for some reason. Let him go alone and park far enough away to where he can't see you: watch him and see who he spends this day with!

Answer 4

Good question on the cultural thing... I don't know about Japanese but at for example Indian or African funerals you often see people cry and moan and kneel and express themselves in ways that in the US & Western Europe would be considered very extreme... here people cry but in a much more restrained manner.... maybe they are more like the Indian/Africans and they're either afraid you'll be embarrased, or they'll feel they can't express themselves when you are there?

I'd talk to him about it, and if that is indeed the case decide for yourself how you would react... if you think such 'excessive' (to Westeners) displays would make you uncomfortable, it may be best to stay at home, but if you can deal with it, try to ensure them you're prepared for it and you'd like to be there anyhow so everyone can say goodbye to grandfather in their own way.

Answer 5

People deal with grief in many different ways. I know when my grandfather died I did not want my boyfriend to come (we have been together 3 years) because I just wanted to be with the people in my family who were feeling the same loss I was. Do not take this personally!

Answer 6

I would have to admit that this would cause me to have some serious emotions and thoughts going through my head. That would really sting. I think that I would honor his request and not go to the funeral, and I probably wouldn't even talk about it to him for a little while out of respect for what he must be going thorugh, but REST ASSURED, I would bring it up and expect a full explanation. I don't blame you for feeling hurt. I would seriously begin to wonder about the future of the relatiosnhip from HIS perspective. Sorry--I know that must really sting. Hoep you can get satisfactory answers soon.

Answer 7

you have been together long enough that you should respect his wishes. due to their culture it might be the appropriate thing to do cause you two are not married (no matter what zz thinks about it). instead why dont you send a nice "sorry about your loss" card to his grandmother and just make a little note that says "sorry i couldnt make it" dont go into details about your boyfriend asking you not to come. afterward the funeral is over wait a couple days and express your feelings to your boyfriend and ask him for the answer you are looking for ( dont cause an issue just before the funeral please wait til after)

Answer 8

Have you met the Grandfather? If so I think that your feelings are justified. If you have been with him for 5.5 years and he is acting this way then what will happen in your future together? I would approach him with how you felt after the funeral and family functions are over.

Answer 9

If you've been together 5.5 years and you've been to other family functions, I don't understand why your boyfriend wouldn't want you at a funeral. Also most funerals consist of people other than just family. I'd be hurt. I'd also keep it to myself until after everything is over and then find a quite time to discuss it with him.

Answer 10

I think that him asking you not to come says a lot about the depth of his feelings for you. You have been with this man for 5 and a half years and he doesn't want you to come to his grandfather's funeral with him? Something is very wrong with this picture.
If I were in your shoes, I would be very hurt by this and wonder how committed he truly is to me. No, you aren't overreacting, but I think you need to let him know that you feel hurt by this, unless it's okay with you that he doesn't want to include you with the rest of his family.